bi curious or for real?

[bowannabow]

I have started seeing someone who is not 'out'. This is her first gay relationship, whereas I have had a few.. We get on well and have great fun, but I am wary as she's said she doesnt want anyone to know and would deny everything if ever questioned about it. We have a few mutual friends. I'm not sure what i want now and am not wishing to 'out' her and put the pressure on. However, I can't help think it's dangerous to get involved emotionally though if it's going no where/will end in tears?

[shazbang]

I wont give you advice but share my experience. im 27 and started my first gay relationship 2 years ago. At the beginning I was unsure and confused, therefore wanted to keep it a secret until I knew how I felt. After 4 months together we decided we didn't like the sneaking around and told everyone. In some respects in was a mistake but on the whole worked out for the best as we were kind of forced to move in together (which we would've done anyhow, just later). We've lived together for nearly 2 years and have just got engaged. Maybe this girl is in kind of the same position where she wants to be sure before coming out. Give her some time and hopefully it'll work itself out. I wish you both the best of luck.

[spudqueen]

It's not only homosexual relationships where people want to keep it quiet. I once went out with a bloke who I not only worked with but lived in the same Halls of Residence as him. No-one knew about our relationship, even though we were together almost 24 hours a day! Neither of us were in another relationship, we just didn't want other people to find out about us. In fact many years later one of my friends (who also lived in the same Halls of Residence) was shocked to learn that I'd been in a relationship with this guy, she had no idea! Just go with the flow for the moment and see how things develop, there's no need to 'out' this girl just for the sake of it.

[Drusilla]

I was in a similar situation to your friend and would have been upset if a partner had decided to out me.

Declaring one's sexuality is a personal matter and many lesbians do not wish to wear their sexuality on their sleeve like a badge of courage. I refuse to be categorized by my choice of sexual partner because I am so much more than that and have no desire to inhabit a lifestyle ghetto.

Most relationships end in tears, but that's the downside to the joy of loving someone. It shouldn't stop you seizing the opportunity to love someone special when the opportunity arises. Best wishes.

[neathgirl]

I can understand where ur gf is coming from - a few years back I was the same didn�t want anyone to know if I was in a relationship with a woman or anything - looking back now though I think it was cos I was quite unconfident about the whole thing and was extremely worried about peoples reactions. Hoever, the past year or so I have realised u know what if family/friends cant accept u for who u r then maybes theyre not as great as u think and friends like those u can do without.

I think ur going down the right lines of not pressurising her as this will make her feel more at ease rather than forcing her into something shes not ready to do and blaming u if it all goes wrong. Give her time and im sure she will come round to thinking it will be a good idea for her family to know - but only when shes ready too.

If I was in ur situation then I would definitely be having a good chat about how she feels about the relationship and whether or not she sees herself long term with a woman - least that way u will know where u stand and then u can decide whether or not shes worth the risk in terms of a relationship. Above all tho I really do think u both need to talk and be as open and honest with each other as possible as this will give u both the chance to air ur concerns and to ask questions.

I hope it works out how u want it to - best of luck xx

[lady_p_gold]

What I would like to know is where do you all meet ? In all my years I don't think I have ever had any advances even slightly made to me by a female .... so even if you were bi-curious and you didn't want to go to clubs and things, how do you meet people ?

[neathgirl]

am trying to figure that one out myself ladypgold... when i find out ill defo let u know 8-)

btw - u sound a bit gutted bout not having had any females make advances towards u - or do i read too much into what u have said ;-)

[lady_p_gold]

Well I am a mature woman with grown up children and things were not talked about so openly in my younger days. I just wondered if there was some sort of hidden 'signal' like in the old days if a man wore one earring or something. I am always getting men coming on to me even at my age, but never a woman and I just wondered ... and maybe if they have I have just not picked up the signal or something. Also I feel comfortable with the male/female normal banter but I have no idea how it works in the female/female world.

[bowannabow]

I think it's still the norm to go to specific places where you know like-minded people will be. I think i awlays knew the girl I am seeing was interested from the start, it was just a feeling (I think this is know as a 'gaydar' in some circles!). As we were friends anyway , it just developed from there so i was luck really.

I don't think the variance of people's sexuality has changed over time, - though it is becoming more acceptable to experiment so I guess its more common to have all sorts of relationships with all sorts of people.