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Domestic Violence
Hi
I hope someone can give me some advice.
Firstly I can second guess what 99 per cent of people are going to say, but I'm going to ask anyway.
On Friday evening after a night out my husband assaulted me in our home. He attacked me physically, headbutting and punching me. My neighbors rang the police who arrested him and held him for 16 hours before charging him with assault and setting a court date for 5th January. His bail conditions state that he is not to enter our home or contact me face to face, though because we have 3 children (4,3 and 4 months old) we can have telephone contact.
Now I am not trying to defend what he has done, but I know that this incident is drink related and he has never ever lifted a finger to me in the past. I've spoken to the police and advised them that I do not want to press charges and that I want him to return home. The officer I've spoken to spoke to the duty sargaent and the bail conditions cannot be changed.
He has nowhere to stay, and as he was made redundant 6 weeks ago we have no money to pay for a hotel.
Can anyone please give me some advice on how to deal with this?
Thanks
Lyndsay
I hope someone can give me some advice.
Firstly I can second guess what 99 per cent of people are going to say, but I'm going to ask anyway.
On Friday evening after a night out my husband assaulted me in our home. He attacked me physically, headbutting and punching me. My neighbors rang the police who arrested him and held him for 16 hours before charging him with assault and setting a court date for 5th January. His bail conditions state that he is not to enter our home or contact me face to face, though because we have 3 children (4,3 and 4 months old) we can have telephone contact.
Now I am not trying to defend what he has done, but I know that this incident is drink related and he has never ever lifted a finger to me in the past. I've spoken to the police and advised them that I do not want to press charges and that I want him to return home. The officer I've spoken to spoke to the duty sargaent and the bail conditions cannot be changed.
He has nowhere to stay, and as he was made redundant 6 weeks ago we have no money to pay for a hotel.
Can anyone please give me some advice on how to deal with this?
Thanks
Lyndsay
Answers
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I'm afraid I'll be with the 99% here. you're already making excuses for why he gave you a right pasting, and I have no sympathy for him, but I do for you and your children.
look after your family and let him look after himself for a while. it will give him the time and space to consider what he has done and how he is going to move forward from this.
look after your family and let him look after himself for a while. it will give him the time and space to consider what he has done and how he is going to move forward from this.
You must be in even more financial difficulty now, if he could afford a night out after being made redundant. My concern would be that even if he had never lifted a a finger against you in the past, he has now displayed that he has the propensity to do so, and could do again.
There are often women who come on here saying that their partners married or otherwise, have assaulted them, but they do not want to press charges, often with a cryptic "I have my reasons". In the end they (and you) have to decide if tis is acceptable behaviour and will it happen again. You don't indicate if there was any reason for him attacking you, or if it was off the wall.
The police are in a dilemma now - they will be criticised for not pursuing him if you drop the charges, and criticised if they try and protect you.
I think you really need to decide what is the prioridy right now, economy, safety or convenience. Only you can really be the one to gamblel
There are often women who come on here saying that their partners married or otherwise, have assaulted them, but they do not want to press charges, often with a cryptic "I have my reasons". In the end they (and you) have to decide if tis is acceptable behaviour and will it happen again. You don't indicate if there was any reason for him attacking you, or if it was off the wall.
The police are in a dilemma now - they will be criticised for not pursuing him if you drop the charges, and criticised if they try and protect you.
I think you really need to decide what is the prioridy right now, economy, safety or convenience. Only you can really be the one to gamblel
I understand that you feel sorry for your husband, but he hasn't behaved very responsibly, has he? Spending money on drink on a night out after being made redundant and then punching the lights out of you so badly that the police had to be called, If he's capable of doing it once, he's capable of doing it again and your safety and that of your children has to be paramount in these circumstances. Does your husband have no family (parents, brothers, sisters) who can put him up, or some friends who will let him sleep on their sofa?
The police cannot risk changing their point of view. Supposing he gets drunk again and then comes into the house and physically attacks you again? He has a drink/anger management problem and needs to deal with it. Hopefully the shock of the situation in which he now finds himself will force him to address these issues. If you want to help your husband, you could check whether Social Services have any emergency accommodation or whether there is a branch of Shelter in your area who will find temporary accommodation for the homeless. Alternatively, try ringing your local Salvation Army in case they can find him somewhere. Both of you are going to have a very miserable Christmas by the sound of it, and hopefully your husband will have learnt a very hard lesson about what alcohol, when abused, can do.
The police cannot risk changing their point of view. Supposing he gets drunk again and then comes into the house and physically attacks you again? He has a drink/anger management problem and needs to deal with it. Hopefully the shock of the situation in which he now finds himself will force him to address these issues. If you want to help your husband, you could check whether Social Services have any emergency accommodation or whether there is a branch of Shelter in your area who will find temporary accommodation for the homeless. Alternatively, try ringing your local Salvation Army in case they can find him somewhere. Both of you are going to have a very miserable Christmas by the sound of it, and hopefully your husband will have learnt a very hard lesson about what alcohol, when abused, can do.
Hi Lydz ,
in respect of you not wanting to press charges that is totally out of your hands as a crime has been committed ,i wish you all the luck in the world because girl you are going to need it ,he has hit you once don't put yourself or your children in that position again please ,i have been there and was strong enough to leave finally took a few years but i finally knew i was with my ex 10 years before he hit me the 1st time i do know what i am talking about but also know every situation is different if you do give him a second chance please promise me if he even lifts his hands to do it again get out you are better off with your children and no partner than with someone who hits you (i suggest you don't give him a second chance)but i know how hard it is to end it
cherry x
in respect of you not wanting to press charges that is totally out of your hands as a crime has been committed ,i wish you all the luck in the world because girl you are going to need it ,he has hit you once don't put yourself or your children in that position again please ,i have been there and was strong enough to leave finally took a few years but i finally knew i was with my ex 10 years before he hit me the 1st time i do know what i am talking about but also know every situation is different if you do give him a second chance please promise me if he even lifts his hands to do it again get out you are better off with your children and no partner than with someone who hits you (i suggest you don't give him a second chance)but i know how hard it is to end it
cherry x
In the past(10 or more years ago) the police got their fingers burnt for dropping domestic violence cases because the wife asked them to.
Too many women ( scared of their violent husbands) dropped any charges,and went on being beaten and assaulted.
Some of them even died at the hands of violent men.
So now the police decide what is amd is not a chargeable offence,mainly to protect vulnerable and downtrodden women.
I realsie that this is the first time that your husband has done this,but this is no excuse to the police.
As someone said in another answer,he has done it once,he can do it again.
Let's hope he has learned his lesson.
I hope so for YOUR sake.
Too many women ( scared of their violent husbands) dropped any charges,and went on being beaten and assaulted.
Some of them even died at the hands of violent men.
So now the police decide what is amd is not a chargeable offence,mainly to protect vulnerable and downtrodden women.
I realsie that this is the first time that your husband has done this,but this is no excuse to the police.
As someone said in another answer,he has done it once,he can do it again.
Let's hope he has learned his lesson.
I hope so for YOUR sake.
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he will have to stay in a hostel...and it,s hell in there. But there are no excuses for what he has done..none at all. He crossed the line and he has got to prove himself now.It,s all up to him.He cannot behave in this way.Maybe later he can see the children. what it must have been like for the children.It will take some time think, He,s betrayed you, the children, and himself.It will take time....I hope it all works out. It,s really up to him.Be strong for the sake of the children. Good look to you.
Thank you for all your advice.
I know that I sound like a cliche...and that making excuses is what battered people do. But he is my husband and dad to my children.
I have a very good friend who is a retired vicar, who also works in mental health, who has arranged for my husband to see an alcohol counsellor later this week. So at the very least he will be getting some professional help.
Once again thank you all for your replies.
Lyndsay
I know that I sound like a cliche...and that making excuses is what battered people do. But he is my husband and dad to my children.
I have a very good friend who is a retired vicar, who also works in mental health, who has arranged for my husband to see an alcohol counsellor later this week. So at the very least he will be getting some professional help.
Once again thank you all for your replies.
Lyndsay
Further to the above, I am the person in question in Lynz1979's rather selective question.
The truth of the matter is that her and I had been for a night out. She had been having a very bad dispute with a nearby family, who decided to extract their revenge on her, by having my drink spiked.
All of this came to light after my appearance at court, where I was bound over in the sum of £100, due to my previously good character and record, together with references from people who'd known me for 30+ years stating that this sort of thing was simply not in my normal nature. Had the courts known what had actually happened, then all charges would have been dropped as it was clear that I had no control over my actions.
After that it then transpired that Lynz1979 had been opening online store accounts in my name (as she couldn't get credit) and not been paying for the goods she had bought, thereby ruining my credit rating. After a lot of soul searching I forgave her for this and set about trying to sort out our problems.
Four months later I found out that she was having an affair ad I left her.
Just a quick heads-up for everone that the "victim" is not the victim she seemed.
The truth of the matter is that her and I had been for a night out. She had been having a very bad dispute with a nearby family, who decided to extract their revenge on her, by having my drink spiked.
All of this came to light after my appearance at court, where I was bound over in the sum of £100, due to my previously good character and record, together with references from people who'd known me for 30+ years stating that this sort of thing was simply not in my normal nature. Had the courts known what had actually happened, then all charges would have been dropped as it was clear that I had no control over my actions.
After that it then transpired that Lynz1979 had been opening online store accounts in my name (as she couldn't get credit) and not been paying for the goods she had bought, thereby ruining my credit rating. After a lot of soul searching I forgave her for this and set about trying to sort out our problems.
Four months later I found out that she was having an affair ad I left her.
Just a quick heads-up for everone that the "victim" is not the victim she seemed.
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