Suffocating mother in law

[daisy duke]

Hi,

This sounds silly I know, but my partners mother, although a 'nice' person (does Charity shop work, home cooking, spend thrift, church warden etc) makes me feel like an ungrateful madam. She looks after our son 1 day a week, to which I am eternally grateful to her - However each week she turns up with carrier bags of charity shop goodies- Clothes for the boys, old toys, home made food, vegetables straight from the garden etc etc. I know she is being kind, however, I was bought up to be fiercley independant, and quite frankly, I would really like to feel able to dress my son in clothes that I have chosen for him, My food planning for the family goes out the window when she appears with two pies for immediate consumption, and quite frankly I have enough toys, (my first born is also a boy!) my home is turning into a junk shop! My partner is seen to be a sensitive boy, and can do no wrong, I fell in love with him for his creative wild side, the personality that she fails to recognise, there are many things he has done in his youth that she is totally unaware of - Yet she seems to blame me for all the things that go wrong in our family (the son does too!) My partner is unable to accept that he is ever wrong and considers himself to be an intellectual. Sorry to go on, basically I can deal with my partner, but HOW TO DEAL WITH THE MOTHER IN LAW? in a kind yet firmly assertive way? Please help its sending me mad!!!!!

[joko]

either put up with it and casually, bit by bit, get rid of the stuff she brings (not to the same charity shop though!)

My parents did this to us as kids and we never noticed the toys disappearing - i doubt she will either - if she asks where something is, say in the wash or upstairs or even they left it a friends house.

also say, as a blase, throw away comment - "blimey there will be no room to move soon with all this stuff, don't know where i'm going to put it all, the cupboards are bulging!" and keep saying things like this whenever she is around. also mention that she shouldn't be spending all her money on toys and clothes for the kids - she should be treating herself.

regarding the food, tell her you have already started preparing your meal (get some bits out and make the kitchen look like you've been busy) and that you will freeze her pie for the next day. (i would love someone to cook for me - save me the bother!) - or why not assume that she will bring a pie and work out your family budget and food plan around it? you could also say you're having someone to dinner during the week and you'd like to give it to them as you are sure it will be delicious.

unfortunately most MILs blame their kids partners for things - unfortunately all you can do is tell her the truth about each situation.

try not to get too upset about it, easier said than done I know, try to work around her, essentially she thinks she's helping so try to ride along with it, don't let it eat you inside - but do be vocal about your feelings even in a jokey way - she may pick up on it and realise.

also why not ask her to take the kids to her house rather than come to yours? then you can suggest that she leaves the toys at her house for them to play with when there, and also it will stop her bringing pies.

[Tatty Rollox]

......... blimey, from your heading I thought that you had something like this in mind .............

Whilst Dighton thus told on: 'We smothered
The most replenished sweet work of nature,
That from the prime creation e'er she framed.'

[lankeela]

Show her your grateful by buying her a new chair for Christmas -when she's in it, plug it in!

[dotjhawkes]

I thought the thread title was about some matricidal maniac, (if matricidal is a word), phew!

[WendyS]

It's a difficult dilemma for you isn't it? However, on the clothes and toys front which she's obviously getting from the charity shops where she volunteers, I guess you could tell her your kids already have too many things, that you're concerned they will grow up being too materialistic so you'll be taking them to the school/nursery for their jumble sale for to raise funds for the under priviledged. If you say this often enough, maybe she'll take the hint.

If you're feeling very brave, perhaps you could take her out for a meal and tell her in the kindest way you know how to that sometimes you feel she's disenfranchising you as a mother because her generosity is undermining your ability to decide how you run your household. She'll probably be desperately hurt and perhaps you should work on your husband, tell him the effect your his mother's actions are having on you and get him to put pressure on his mother to desist. Is your husband an only child by the way? If so, I suspect it will be ever harder to get him to loosen the apron strings.