Family dilemma

[emmae]

My current husband and I have been together for years and have Thomas(4) and another baby due soon.I made a very bad decision and left him for 2yrs a while back.In that time I got pregnant and married to someone else.The marriage was over b4 Ethan was born.I divorced him as he couldn't stay off drugs and was mentally abusing me.

Despite having contact he sought a contact order.When the order was made the court decided I should give up work so that my ex could see Ethan at weekends.I gave it 6 months trial.Both kids have been badly affected irreversibly.Every weekend my ex carried on mentally abusing me in front of my kids.Tom wets himself when he sees his ex step dad normally he doesn't even wet the bed.When Ethan's collected he clings to me so much I have to prize him off me,when he's returned he won't let me put him down(he isn't like this with anyone else even people he doesn't see regularly).Despite telling how it is the court granted more hrs and I couldn't return to work.

I stopped all contact until a compromise in my childs interests with respect for my family circumstances could be met.My ex refuses to compromise and hasn't seen Ethan for 3 mths.Ethan's a changed child and we have a more stable home life without the contact taking place.Ethan is a celiac.My ex was giving him biscuits causing 4 days of pain a week as well as stopping him developing normally.Its hard to educate my ex on this as he's iliterate.

He's applied to court for Residency Order. I'll be 34wks pregnant at hearing and I'm worried about the stress affecting baby (I've already had a child stillborn).I'm even more worried about the effect on my boys if they're separated.I don't want to lose Ethan.My husband loves him just as much as I do, he's part of the family.What can I do?It can't go on like this we need stability.Emma

[patiodors]

I really symapthise with you and can't understand the court's stance on this - they are so foolish sometimes. I used to own a childrens day nursery where there were some kids who had no contact with their fathers agreed with the courts for a lot less than this! I don't know if you have social services involved and/ or a child psychologist and you may even be reticent to involve them, but they can be a VERY useful tool for monitoring and intervening in these sorts of situations, and even supervising visits - especially where drug or alcohol abuse is involved in any way. We used to be on monitoring committees for the children at nursery and attend meetings to update Soc Serv about their progess and behaviour. I know that SS have had bead press in the past, but these guys were very good and very supportive of the mothers.

Have you spoken to your GP about your sons behaviour when they have seen their father, it may also be that he can help to get a child psych involved, and ensure that you are not getting over stressed about the situation, as this is obviously very important.

Another bit of advice, keep a diary of anything and everything, it's never too late to get a court order reversed.

I hope my advice is of use to you, you may have already tried some /all of this. I wish you the very best for the future, my friend. Don't ever give up the fight, your kids are so so so precious and delicate at this stage of their lives and not worth breaking for some no-hoper.

[patiodors]

One other thing i neglected to mention - when it goes back to court - don't be afraid to dish the dirt on your ex. No more Mrs Nice Guy. You don't have to lie, but make sure they understand his true character, thats another reason why the diary comes in handy, to write down incidents that have happened in the past that you might suddenly remember. Make sure you use all the ammo you have and do not be intimidated.

Is possible to postpone the court date given your advance state of pregnancy at that point? Your GP might be able to help you with that one too, get it postponed on health grounds.

[noxlumos]

You certainly do need to get this sorted out and I'm so sorry for your situation at the moment. My ex wife was a severly emotionally deficient woman who asked me for a divorce and told me I could "keep" the kids as she never wanted to see them ever again. This I did and everything was smooth and pure lovely, she never came near, phoned or even sent them birthday or Christmas cards UNTIL she found out I had remarried.Then all hell broke loose, with her claiming that I'd bullied her into giving up her kids and had emotionally and physically abused her during our marriage and she caused havoc, not I think because she genuinely wanted to see the kids but because she couldn't stand the thought of me happy. We had court cases where the court appeared to be on another planet, giving her access, which she hardly ever bothered with unless she knew it would inconvenience us a lot, and when she had it she upset the kids shouting and screaming at them etc and calling Danny who is deaf a "dummy" and a "retard" because being totally deaf his speech was different to other children. We eventually got a very agressive family solicitor to represent us and went back to court. By that point the older kids were old enough to "tell it like it is" and she got access stopped.However recently she contacted Aiden who is 16 and told him all manner of lies so she's clearly not finished yet.What I would say is get a really good solicitor, not just the one you are apointed, if you can find any way at all to afford it, because this is so devastating to your family.I wish I had done that at the very start, I feel it would have saved us a lot of heartache.

[noxlumos]

In your own situation itmight be worth just quietly leaving a camcorder running when he picks Ethan up and drops him off, so that you have soemthing to show the social workers so that they can see the level of distress caused. Once you have social services on your side then it really will help a great deal, a sympathetic social worker works wonders.I was very hesitant to get them involved, but the solicitor advised me to contact them and I did and was amazed at how helpful and pleasant they were, after the court case I never heard from them again, they did their job then faded away and allowed us to get on with raising our family.I really hope you get this sorted you must be just so stressed, but as Patidors says says the time to be nice has long since passed.Be firm but don't sound hateful even though I know you must be really strung out, just be calm and reasoned and get a good solicitor.Good Luck

[Goodsoulette]

I cant offer any advice but I would like to offer encouragement. I truely hope that this situation works out for you. I cannot imagine how difficult this is for u all at what should be a happy time in your life.

[craftykaz]

I was in a similar situation (my ex has convictions for assaulting me and harassment) CAFCAS, social worker and Courts were useless. The only answer was to move as far away as I could.

[emmae]

Thank you for all your supportive help. Everythings being taken on board. Any more suggestions gratefully read. Emma