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[nomergirl]

I was abused as a child and my fianc�e just does not understand that I may always have issues with current things. I try not to let my past bother me and affect us but there are some things that are hard for me to handle and he does not understand this. How can I help him understand what I went and how it will always affect me? All the help you can give will be great. If you can refer me to books that I can buy for the both of us to read would be great.

[andy-hughes]

I would suggest counselling for both of you. There are counselling organisations for both the abused parter, and their partner, to help them understand the context of the abuse in an adult relationship.

This is something that is beyond you dealing with on your own, I strongly suggest you ask for professional help.

Check with your GP, who should be able to refer you.

[Greedyfly]

I agree couselling for the both of you together at least a couple of times will help, once he sees how you react and hears what you have to say when the right questions are asked he will begin to understand the pain you go through. Although not the same situation, about a year ago my depression just kicked in the worst it has ever done before one day I was fine the next I was nearly in hospital, I rang my mum because I was so scared and she inturn rang my partner who came home from work and as soon as he saw the mess I was in it shocked him into the realisation that I have serious problems and I need help with them, it really scared him and I think opened his eyes to what was going on and how fragile I can be. I think once counselling is in place your partner will have the same realisation. Hope all goes well for you.

[noxlumos]

Certainly I agree with the two poster's above. Go to counselling together.I was seriously physically abused until I was seven by my father and have damage to the frontal lobe of my brain and scars all over me to show to this day, yet my first wife never understood how I felt and why some things were a huge deal for me.It seemed totally beyond her ability to comprehend that something that happened to me when I was a child was still having a very serious effect on my ability to function normally as an adult.The result of that was that I ended up in prison for violence, on drugs and addicted to alcohol and she STILL didn't get it.We didn't go to counselling because she was never inclined to, but it is something that I would recommend to you. My second wife is the exact opposite of my first, she took the time and trouble to see the real me underneath all of the pain and anger and helped me unravel myself and rebuild myself as a decent human being and I can't tell you the improvement in the quality of my life because she understands me.We've been married for 9 years now and it wasn't until 3 yars ago that I finally found enough strength to forgive my father and make the effort to have a decent relationship with my mother, so even once you're partner is on board with you it's a long process.He may feel awkward or embarassed because he doesn't know how to help you and hopefully a therapist/counsellor can help him overcome that, but it's vital for you both that he gains this insight into this important aspect of your life or you'll never be able to move on completely.I wish you both the very best in dealing with this,it's not easy but it is possible and so worthwhile.