Maternal instinct?

[alijangra]

I feel like there is something wrong with me. I am a 26 year old female and have no desire to ever have children. Will this change? I am in a happy, stable relationship of 5 years and my partner would make a wonderful father. We are financially secure. He is aware of how I feel but thinks I will change my mind. Im not so sure! Incidentally, I do not have a good relationship with my own mother as she had terrible post-natal depression for years after I was born and I was pretty much raised by my older sister. Will I ever feel different? Anyone else been through this?

[Bohne]

Not personally, but I know of a few couples who are very happy without children and in fact never wanted any.

I don't really see the problem, unless it becomes a problem in your relationship, when your partner starts nagging you about it.

But as long as you both are happy, enjoy your life!

[kick3m0n]

ali my friend was the same as you. adopted at birth, on-off relationship with her birth mother (tho great relationship with her adoptive parents), no young children in her family, she just didn't really "get" babies at all and was not for having any at all. In her early 30s, that changed when she got married to a lovely bloke having come out of a very long relationship a year before. She had 2 kids in 3 years and never looked back. She's fantastic mum but to this day, she's still not hugely keen on other people's children, yet adores her own.

So you may feel differently, but you may not. You're still so young, if your partner is happy to wait, and not push you on the issue, then why not just see where life takes you in the next 5 years? Maybe if you still feel the same way, you need to let him know this, so that he can decide just how much children mean to him, if it may mean not having you in his life too.

Try not to worry about it or feel that you have to decide right now, you've plenty of time.

[woofgang]

I am 53 in a happy childless marriage. We both had great family upbringings. Children didn't come along in the normal corse of things, we discussed going the medical route, decided against it...end of story.

I know of other women, married or in long term relationships, who don't have children for various reasons and all of them are happy childless.

You are not unusual or faulty...but IMO your partner needs to understand that you may not change and to be happy with that PLEASE PLEASE don't get pregnant to please your partner!

[rampart]

Alijangra, yes, you might change your mind. There is nothing wrong with wanting or not wanting children, as others have noted in this thread. People evolve over time, and years from now, you will likely have feelings about many things that differ from how you feel today.

Your relationship with your mother and your feelings about her depression are having an impact right now on your feelings about children. You may want to work through those issues and see how you feel then. You probably should know if those issues are influencing your desire to have children. They might, but it also might be simply that you are young, enjoying life, and don't want to slow down just now. Perhaps you can talk to your friends and partner about these issues and unravel your true feelings.

Please know I am not trying to change your mind, but I do want to add this: before we had children, I thought I knew how I would feel when we had them. Yet, once my son was born, I changed inside in ways I never imagined. I have an entirely different outlook on life and love and family. I share this with you only so that you know that some elements of parenthood are not discovered until you have children.

[andy-hughes]

The problem is not how you feel, but how you are made to feel by society at large.

OK, I accept that as a culture, we go for marriage and children, but the subtle inferences on a daily basis rthat a woman who doesn't want children must be 'missing' something are totally dreadful - right up there with Chritianity in my eyes - but that's another thread.

You must close your eyes and ears to the world at large, including well-meaning friends and relatives, you must please yourself, and your partner, and in that order. If you don't want a child, then you should not be pressurised by anyone into having one. Childbirth is a gift, not a right, and certainly not an obligation.

Do what makes you happy - if others don't like it ....!

[joko]

ditto andy - i am 34 and keep being asked "isn't it about time you settled down" - nonsense!!

there are no rules, no laws, only society expectations, which have originally come from people who are control freaks who expect everyone else to fit in with their idea of whats 'right', and made sure everyone heard them say it.

you only get one life so live it your way

26 is still relatively young to get broody, and you have plenty of time to change your mind

[ahar]

you're definately right about society wanting you to settle down, joko, i'm only 20 and was asked a while ago by a family friend did i have a boyfriend, why not, am i lesbian? people seem to think you should settle for the first thing that comes along. i also worry i'l never want kids as a lot of my friends have wanted them since we were quite young, and the thought of pregnancy literally makes me feel sick, when i was a teenager i used to feel dizzy and faint if i was near a pregnant woman. i know that i couldn't have a child unless i was certain, as i wouldn't want to resent the child and inflict my feelings on it. however, my mum said she was the same at my age. i also know a woman who can't stand other people's kids but wouldn't change hers for the world. i'd say play it by ear, take each day as it comes etc.

[joko]

good for you ahar.

one of the problems is the idea of what's 'rigtht' and what you 'should' do comes from people of an different age and era. they are from a time when people did marry younger because options were limited then. they pass this 'belief' down onto their kids and so on and unfortunately many people are weak minded enough to just accept it and go along with these 'rules' without ever really thinking about what they really want or eve questioning it

ita a shame and I believe it is this compliance to other peoples 'rules' that causes mid-life crisises - people get to a certain age and realise they may have missed out on life - no sooner are they away from their parents and they make themselves parents and thereby have never had time to just be themselves.

what is it with people and their need to control everyone else around them?

we have seen what happens when people meet people who like to do things differently - why can't people just live and let live? idealistic, i know, but i think it says more about the controller that the controllee, so you'd think they'd want to change it. sad, very sad.

[alijangra]

Thanks everyone for your answers. I do feel pressure from family and friends but I think I will just tell them its a closed subject for the time being! Im returning to university for 4 years anyway so it will go without saying that I am not planning to start a family any time soon! xxx