Chicken Drumstick, Pork Pie, Glass Of...
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Strip Clubs
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I'll try and keep this as brief as possible, but the situation is somewhat complicated...
I was ill a few months ago and had to spend some time in hospital. When I came out it was on the understanding that I would live with family for a while. That didn't work out, so my ex suggested he move into my house and look after me, and also our two children. I was extremely dubious about this at the time, but agreed to it as I desperately wanted to go back to my own home.
This was a few months ago now and things have progressed nicely between us and I feel we are happy.
He suggested to me a few weeks ago that we move away and I've agreed. I've now really got my heart set on it and have told my family and friends, and enrolled the kids at schools in the area.
He came home today and was talking about his works' Christmas party (I know it's only August!)
He said his boss was happy for him to transfer to another part of the country but he would only sanction it if he went to this years Christmas party with them - in Lithuania. He never went whilst we were together as, in his words, "they go there for a three day drinking and sex bender". Basically, they spend the whole time there getting drunk and going to strip bars - and that includes "extras", if you get what I mean. They are all very wealthy and he's said they just throw money around and "do what they want".
He knows how I feel about him going, and he's always said in the past he wouldn't want to go as "it's not his kind of thing".
Now he's got this whole moving away thing over me I think he's using this to his advantage, almost to blackmail me. I said I wouldn't be comfortable with it and he said "well you can kiss goodbye to moving away then because they won't agree to it if I don't go".
I just don't know what to do. Part of me wants to say to him just go if it means we can move away, but the bigger part of me knows how I'll feel when he does go and when I'm home alone - I will be really upset, anxious, and borderline crazy!
Am I being selfish? Should I just put up and shut up, or stand my ground?
I was ill a few months ago and had to spend some time in hospital. When I came out it was on the understanding that I would live with family for a while. That didn't work out, so my ex suggested he move into my house and look after me, and also our two children. I was extremely dubious about this at the time, but agreed to it as I desperately wanted to go back to my own home.
This was a few months ago now and things have progressed nicely between us and I feel we are happy.
He suggested to me a few weeks ago that we move away and I've agreed. I've now really got my heart set on it and have told my family and friends, and enrolled the kids at schools in the area.
He came home today and was talking about his works' Christmas party (I know it's only August!)
He said his boss was happy for him to transfer to another part of the country but he would only sanction it if he went to this years Christmas party with them - in Lithuania. He never went whilst we were together as, in his words, "they go there for a three day drinking and sex bender". Basically, they spend the whole time there getting drunk and going to strip bars - and that includes "extras", if you get what I mean. They are all very wealthy and he's said they just throw money around and "do what they want".
He knows how I feel about him going, and he's always said in the past he wouldn't want to go as "it's not his kind of thing".
Now he's got this whole moving away thing over me I think he's using this to his advantage, almost to blackmail me. I said I wouldn't be comfortable with it and he said "well you can kiss goodbye to moving away then because they won't agree to it if I don't go".
I just don't know what to do. Part of me wants to say to him just go if it means we can move away, but the bigger part of me knows how I'll feel when he does go and when I'm home alone - I will be really upset, anxious, and borderline crazy!
Am I being selfish? Should I just put up and shut up, or stand my ground?
Answers
TWR, it is possible he has an Iron deficiency!
17:03 Thu 15th Aug 2013
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I have no doubt he is going there for the same reasons as the others. If you are happy with being with that type of person then let him go! If not then forget him. Do you really need him in your life just so you can move house. Then again, its only a week away for sex and alcohol, then he will be back and everything will be ok again! your choice but don't be blind to the fact of what he is getting up too!
Baby_sham you are taking prescription medicine for anxiety and depression so I am presuming you are in a very vulnerable place at the moment. I doubt your OH's boss has the authority to block a transfer but even if he did its up to your OH to lay his cards on the table as say NO. I don't think you should move away, it will alienate you from your family and you will rely more on him and he will have better control over you. You have welcomed him back into your life but it should be on your terms not his -even if it was him that left in the first place. I would advise you to stay where you are for the moment until you feel better in yourself and in the mean time tell him a works party sex trip is not appropriate, if he wants to go you are fine by that but he will have to find somewhere else to live. He will sulk and try to make it all your fault -you are being unreasonable he will say, you are 'spoiling' things - do you not want a better life he will plead...try and be strong, he is playing you and taking advantage of your temporary vulnerability.
Quick update, as I feel rude not responding to the further answers...
The long and short of it is, he says he's not going. I asked if he *wanted* to go and he kind of went "well no, but I do think it would be good as they all bond that way and I it's not good for me to single myself out"... blah blah blah.
Anyway, I ended up getting a bit upset. I know that may sound daft to some people, but I just got myself into a bit of a state over it.
He said it didn't realise it would upset me so much (which is rubbish as we've had this argument in the past) and he would never want to do anything to hurt me, so wouldn't go. He then made a flippant comment of "if I lose my job then so be it, there's plenty of other jobs and we'll just have to muddle through"... so I obviously didn't get much sleep last night as I was awake worrying.
On the plus side to that, I did see three shooting stars :-)
Anyway, I don't really feel like talking about it much right now, but thanks to everyone who offered help and advice. x
The long and short of it is, he says he's not going. I asked if he *wanted* to go and he kind of went "well no, but I do think it would be good as they all bond that way and I it's not good for me to single myself out"... blah blah blah.
Anyway, I ended up getting a bit upset. I know that may sound daft to some people, but I just got myself into a bit of a state over it.
He said it didn't realise it would upset me so much (which is rubbish as we've had this argument in the past) and he would never want to do anything to hurt me, so wouldn't go. He then made a flippant comment of "if I lose my job then so be it, there's plenty of other jobs and we'll just have to muddle through"... so I obviously didn't get much sleep last night as I was awake worrying.
On the plus side to that, I did see three shooting stars :-)
Anyway, I don't really feel like talking about it much right now, but thanks to everyone who offered help and advice. x
Baby_Sham -if you've read my reply you will see he reacted exactly how I said he would and his is typical passive aggressive behaviour, I should know I've seperated from my OH for just such behaviour and believe me it was hard, and I even fluttered around thinking I would take him back but distancing myself and actually being less emotionally attached made me really see what he was doing. They are always willing to do what you want (because they are so good and kind to you of course and you don't appreciate them), but if it all goes t+ts up its your fault, they will never hurt you they say, but when they do and you get emotional you are cracking up or being unreasonable. Please don't move away just yet I think you need more time. x
well he is either lying or he has majorly misunderstood the bosses words.
it sounds like his boss made a mock threat, in the hopes of convincing him to go on the trip - but was just hoping to be persuasive - not threaten him or cause trouble!
no boss would impose that on any employee - and they'd be in big trouble if they did.
or, he just wants to go and wants you to think he has no choice.
either way its not good - because he's either lying, or putting his boss before you.
i would get tough with him and tell him you will speak to the boss yourself, find out the score - see his reaction.
i agree you can go to strip clubs and just watch - not all of them do extras but sounds like these guys know which do.
it sounds like his boss made a mock threat, in the hopes of convincing him to go on the trip - but was just hoping to be persuasive - not threaten him or cause trouble!
no boss would impose that on any employee - and they'd be in big trouble if they did.
or, he just wants to go and wants you to think he has no choice.
either way its not good - because he's either lying, or putting his boss before you.
i would get tough with him and tell him you will speak to the boss yourself, find out the score - see his reaction.
i agree you can go to strip clubs and just watch - not all of them do extras but sounds like these guys know which do.
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