In A Sad Relationship With Our Children

[Sewme]

My partner really shows no affection to me, doesn't say he loves me, I do think he doesn't, we only talk when we need to and normally around our girls age 5 and 6. I am just so lonely. We don't have sex as that's what it is. I feel like a au pair really as I don't want just sex, I want love, the big BUT being I love my children more than anything ever and I can't upset them by considering splitting, also I can't work as my partner works different shifts on different days, only time I could is 10-2 m-f when they are at school. I just feel stuck and having to live a life where I feel empty and alone. I do have a couple of friends but have social anxietys and do like my own company. It's feels tricky as my partner isn't overtly mean to me but its negative comments said jokingly which make me sad but he laughs off, nothing positive. I am a bit put off him as he has put on weight and not as attracted to him. I have too but run regularly and keen to loose it but this in my mind weighs me down. I have tried talking to him but it can turn into an argument where he 'gets off' on picking holes in me. It just feels like a big web over me and trapped. We live in his house he pays the bills I cook clean clear up after him and kids, I pay for girls ballet gymnastics, swimming and some to food and my car costs I have little left if any so financially couldn't afford any more.

[ummmm]

Do you love him?

[coccinelle]

Sounds like you've got yourselves in a rut which sometimes happens after a few years. You need a project you're both into maybe a move so you go into 'your' house instead of living in 'his' house or maybe deciding to both lose some weight and get out and do some exercise. A few hours work a day would get you out but would have to be something you enjoy and look forward to.

[Sqad]

\\\ I just feel stuck and having to live a life where I feel empty and alone.\\

\\\\We don't have sex as that's what it is. I feel like a au pair really as I don't want just sex, \\

\\am a bit put off him as he has put on weight and not as attracted to him. \\

You don't have sex, you feel alone, you don't fancy him any more.

That is the negative side:

\\\\the big BUT being I love my children more than anything ever and I can't upset them by considering splitting,\\\

\\\ We live in his house he pays the bills I cook clean clear up after him and kids, I pay for girls ballet gymnastics, swimming and some to food and my car costs\\\

They are the positives:

Sounds like a normal state of affairs for 80% of people who have been married for over 4 years.

[Old_Geezer]

It sounds as if you have both let your relationship go stale. Relationships need to be worked on, take them for granted and folk can drift apart all too easily.

I'm sure being a parent isn't easy but yes, having taken the decision to have children it does bring responsibilities and restrictions on what one can do. That said it would not hurt to see what else you can get involved with outside the house. Must be something in your local area surely ?

I sympathise with the social anxiety thing but one can not change reality. One has to take a deep breath and get through the early parts of something new until the situation has changed into one you feel comfortable with.

Teasing is a strange thing. It seems to be that males are more likely to enjoy it as bonding and miss it if forced to abandon it (and even find it difficult to do so) whilst females tend to be more likely to take it to heart and feel upset. I don't know why, but like most things you need to talk it over. Which is why the early part of your post, where you say you don't talk, is so significant. It may take two to talk but it takes one to start a conversation. I'd suggest trying to work on that as a start.

I think one ought to try to accept folk change appearance as one gets older. I'm not saying you have to be attracted to your partner's appearance no matter what, but I think as a relationship ages the person inside ought to be more important that their outward appearance. Is this appearance disappointment a symptom of a deeper problem with the relationship that you are expressing ? If you really feel he is letting himself go, might that be a symptom of he feeling unhappy with the situation also ?

I see you have tried talking to him. Difficult to comment on, not being there at the time, but maybe it turns into an argument as it is perceived as criticism rather than relationship building ? And you both get defensive ? Is it worth looking at how such conversations go ? Try to find out why they go wrong ?

But maybe the first thing to decide is what you think. Is the relationship worth trying to repair for both your sakes, or has it deteriorated beyond that point ?

[pixie373]

When my children started school, i worked at a Preschool, as the hours fitted (term- time only, too) as i couldn't afford childcare. I would suggest looking for something similar, as it will really help your confidence too. You really need to speak to your husband. If there really is nothing there and you're unhappy, you might all be better off with a separation.

[dizmouk2009]

If you took the children out of that scenario it would be amost identical to how my life was just over 3 months ago.

I don't know how to say this without upsetting you so I'm just going to try and do my best here. When my wife left me we were having the same problems are you and your partner are. I tried my best to fix the situation but unfortuanatly unless the other person is also willing you chances of resolving the issue is very slim.

Let's say that he doesn't love you anymore what what ever reason (this is the not very nice bit, sorry). No matter how hard you try to make things work it isn't going to make much difference. You will just end up getting hurt even more. I'm not saying just give up but I'd be prepared for him to tell you how he truely feels. He may be hanging around just because of the kids also.

Sidetracking a bit here but there was a couple who used to live next door to my Grandma and they had 2 kids. After 3 years he had had enough and said to her "when our children are 18 I'm leaving you". 15 years later, to his word he packed his car and moved out.

Sit down and talk to him.

Sorry if I've offended or upset anyone. I'm just speaking my mind.

[anneasquith]

you appear to have no quality of life. use the hours between 10-2 to your advantage, earn some money. do something you enjoy, and if possible talk to your partner. good luck

[jakep]

I apologise in advance in case this upsets you. My parents stayed together "for the sake of the children".
I am in my late fifties now and have never and will never forgive them for the mental torture that has left me with.

[fairycakes69]

I agree with Old Geezer, relationships do go stale, men do tend to tease, not realising it upsets us, most don't know what to say. Everyone goes through rough patches, I know we have. Having children, we tend to focus on them and not on our relationship, that's natural of women, men feel neglected. Could you maybe get someone to babysit and have a night together, sometimes we just need to put the spark back into a relationship. You also need to find something that is for you, could be a job, volunteering, being a parent helper at school. It could help you feel better about yourself, give you more self worth and feel more yourself.
I've been there where you are, I worked at it did what I've said. Been together 27 years, 5 kids, 4 grand kids and now enjoying life with the 2 of us and 2 adult kids still at home. Life is hard work sometimes, it's easy to be dragged down with it.