husband who swears

[scruffbag]

I have been married for fifteen years, most of them happily. The problem is that when we get into an argument my husband swears at me to get some type of reaction. This really bothers me!! I don't really know how to best deal with this. PLEASE CAN YOU HELP ME !! I would really appreciate your comments. Many thanks.

[Eels]

Just calmy explain that you're not willing to continue the conversation until he has stopped swearing at you, but you'll be happy to discuss the matter further once he has calmed down. Men are like dogs - you have to spell it out, be very consistent and stick to your guns. There's a good housetraining thread in ANimals and Nature right now ... <G>

[Drisgirl]

Tell him to eff off and see the look on his face!

If swearing upsets you then its an issue but ask yourself why is he swearing if he doesnt normally - to bug you.

They are only words tho and I'm not try to make what makes you unhappy any less but a lot worse happens at sea.Just ignore him.You cant argue with someone who is not arguing back because you feel a bit stupid shouting to yourself.

[laurence2]

Eels, the 1st part uf your post i agree, but men are like dogs is abit overboard, some of them yes.

scruffbag, has he been swearing for 15years then or is their more than meets the eye, mental abuse is as equal as physical abuse to a certain degree, can you reason with him when you argue or is it a power trip with him.

Have you explained when your not arguing about his behaviour and why he feels the need to do this to the person he loves, tell him its getting you down.

Does he bring his problems home from work etc, and see's you as a release to let of steam,

[andy-hughes]

The point about his swearing to get a reaction is a good one - it must be hard to ignore it, but you need to try. If you remove the reaction, it becomes a meaningless expression of anger, and it will stop.

Otherwise, have a chat about things somewhere in public - very good for making sure tempers are kept - and ask him if he knows that swearing hurts you - and use the word 'hurt'. Don't be accusatory, or angry, stay calm, and see if you can make him see that this is causing problems in your relationship.

If that fails, see if he will go with you to counselling - you need to get this sorted before it drives a wedge between you both.

[Satin7]

My ex used to swear at me to get a re-action.. I hated it..... I'd have rather he hit me! So, I talked to friends of mine who suggested I ignored the swearing completely just like you would bad behaviour from a child. When he didn't swear I'd talk.. When he did I simply ignored him until he stopped.

Try when he's calm and you're not pent up to talk about the swearing - maybe try in a place where he can't lose his temper, local coffee shop perhaps? Good luck!

[nfn]

Satin, your statement that you would rather be hit than sworn at is so ridiculous I can't believe I'm even taking the time to reply! As a non-swearing person I have been offended many times but as a woman who was hit because 'he' couldn't discuss or debate i know on behalf of the millions of women and men how ill-judged your comment is. I only hope you are never offered a fist instead of an argument.

[joko]

say, is that the best you can do - swear? take the mickey out of him, make him feel childish that he has to resort to that to get his way and then say well i can do that too - and let rip with the most foul mouthed tirade you can stomach and watch his face

you will remove his power - there will be no point in him swearing at you again because anyone can swear - its easy - and doesn't alter the facts of the issue, and he risks you sneering and laughing at him again

get a pal to practise with you and go all out to "out-swear" him

i know you won't want to do it, but its the only way to remove the power of him and those words

[Ethmer]

The reason he swears at you is because you have the upper hand in the argument and he doesn't know how else to attempt to gain control.

The way to deal with it is to simply ignore it. As you perceive that it is simply a self-defense mechanism for him you will be able to tolerate it.

His swearing at you is not really meant as an attack on you, just his attempt at saving face in a probable losing situation.

If the rest of your marriage is healthy, then try to overlook this slight imperfection.

[Lindylou]

Buy a large box of Brillo pads. Next time he starts swearing hand one to him and suggests he uses it to clean his mouth out. Then walk away and leave him to it!