How Long did you know that it was over before you left your partner??

[Goodsoulette]

I feel stuck in my relationship.We have been together for 5 yrs. It has had some good times but a lot of it has been filled with tension. He has been repeatedly violent towards me, either hitting or strangling, or just jumping on me so I cannot move at all. The worst he ever managed was to break my arm but this seems like nothing compared to the constant shouting.

I did love him but its has totallly gone. We had a baby 6 months ago so obviously that is a consideration along with my 4 yr old son. I start back at work next week and I am planning on squirreling money away so I can break free but feel very sneaky but it is all I can think to do to stop myself from becoming a single mum on income support. If I save a bit up I should be able to get through those first difficult months.

Am I really doing it wrong??

[sunflower68]

Goodsoulette you must have been and are still going through utter hell. I am sorry things are not working out for you both. I would say, reading your thread, that you appear to be well on the way to solving your troubles, purely by the fact you are talking about them and making some plans for the future with your kids.

You are doing the right thing; I think you know it yourself. I am always in admiration of the single moms who get out of violent relationships. I have never been there but can understand how hard it must be to hold things together. You will not be the first and you won't be the last single mum on income support but I think if you concentrate on getting your team out of harm's way asap the quality of life you are going to have will far outweigh any money in the world.

You always sound like an intelligent person and you are clearly a very caring mom; I have a good feeling things are going to turn around for you.

You are not doing it wrong; you have had a bad time but perhaps you are about to come out the other side. Best wishes, you can do this. xxxxxxx

[zombie1000]

You have made a massive step in admitting to yourself that it cannot go on. It is very easy to become stuck in a rut, I've been there myself. Once you are out you will wonder why you stuck it out so long. Look forward to the future, new relationships, a certain amount of freedom, making your own decisions. To be honest, the minute there is violence, get out ASAP. No person should have to deal with that.

As for the single person bit, there is really no worry. I work in New Deal for Lone Parents and there is so much help and support available to you. New Deal can get you into a job in no time AND help with childcare during working hours.

Good Luck

[laurence2]

goodsoulette, i can only underline what the previous post have said, Is anyone else aware, ie family/friends etc.

For the sake of your children if nothing else get out asap

This is not a loving/doting family man, this is a coward on a power trip.The single mum issue is irelavant tho appreciate your worried about the possible financial burden this could bring on you and your children.

As previous post have said, by talking/sharing this with others means your on the way to addressing it.

Make this day the beginning of the end for this low life b******d, two wrongs don't make a right but if i got my hands on him i would break every bone in his body, he's not a man he's a coward.

[4getmenot]

Oh bless you goodsoulette, get out while you can. You may still love this man but does he really love you to be doing this to you. Fair enough you are thinking about your children too but if you are then it is best to finish with him while they are too young to understand, otherwise they will grow up seeing and remembering all the things daddy has done to mummy, which can scar the children for life. This way if you leave him they don�t have to know why just that mummy and daddy don�t get on any more. I remember your reply to my question about my mate who was beaten by the father of her child. And you said she should still go to funeral. Don�t end up hating the father of your children like she does, it will mess you up. Take care of you, I�m sure you have many friends that will support you if you decide to make a happier life for yourself. xx

[JoCannon]

Goodsoulette, in answer to your original question, I knew it wasn't going to work with an old boyfriend after our 3rd date (when he started displaying very posessive tendancies) but stayed with him for the next 2 years. Looking back I have ABSOLUTELY NO idea what I was doing with him, he was repetedly violent, theataning and incredibly mentally abusive. Astonishingly I eventually found it normal that some nights he would come home from work and try to kill me, how insane does that sound!!

Meeting me now you would no believe I could possibly have ever been in that situation, I am now stong, independente and will NEVER let anyone treat me (or anyone else I know) like that. As soon as you break free from this evil twisted ******** I guarantee you will wonder how it happened to you and why you subjected yourself to it for so long.

The best advice I could give you is to confide in friends (I didn't tell my family as I knew they would worry too much), admittedly they all already knew but as soon as you start talking about it, you somehow bring it to reality and from somewhere I found the strength to leave him.

Have you thought about going to the Police? I went simply to have it on record, in case he hurt anyone else, or one day went too far with me.

Living with daily abuse/shouting is something NO human should even have to go through. Unfortunatly these men (and I know it is not always men who are abusive) are weak cowards, scared of something in their own lives and rather than facing their own problems they take it out on thoes who ironically are so caring, they end up stuck in the others hell.

There are so many organisations out there who can help, everytime you go to a public toilet you see the "are you a woman in an abusive relationship" signs, please make a call for the sake of your children

[JoCannon]

Whoops... pressed submit before I should have, and hadn't checked for spelling (sorry).

I wish you all the luck in the world Princess, from somewhere you will find the strength to leave him.

Like everyone has said you sound intelligent and obviously have thought it through thousands of time and even posting your question is a huge step forwards. I can only pray you will look back, like I am 3 years later, wondering if it really was me stuck in such an awful place, and thanking my lucky stars I found the strength to get out.

[Sparkles3]

Goodsoulette, how terrible for you - of course you are not doing wrong. You sound like you have made your decision, which clearly is the right one and it won't get any better. Is there not any family or friends that you could stay with so you could get out sooner - if you are feeling guilty/sneaky about saving the money to get out, perhaps you will subconsciously accept more abuse from him than you should. Whilst I can entirely appreciate that life without any money is horrendous, life with this man sounds pretty horrendous as it is - and you and your children's safety must be paramount. Who knows what he might do to them in the future? Perhaps you could get some advice from somewhere as to what you would be entitled to so that you would be able to afford to live somewhere as well as go back to work and have a safe and happy home to come home to with your children. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that it all works out for the three of you really soon. xx

[curly sue]

i knew after 3 mths it was wrong - so i left - best decision i ever made...

[Grunty]

I'm sorry, but if he has been violent to you including breaking your arm, I don't understand why you need to ask this question.

[jno]

Strangling? Breaking your arm? Dear God, go as soon as you can. If you need income support, take it. You have done nothing wrong.

[WaldoMcFroog]

Anyone who hits you, strangles you or is otherwise violent towards you does not love you. Someone who really loved you would not and could not do such a thing.

His abuse may be rooted in his own inadequacies as a person, but by staying after he is violent you are simply proving that violence is an effective way to control you, thus making it more likely he will do it again.

If he is sufficiently unable to control himself around you, how do you know he can control himself around your children? Who will look after your children if he puts you in hospital? Ignore your children - why should you have to put up with this cowardly bully? You are worth more than this and deserve better.

For all your sake's, get out of this destructive relationship as soon as possible. You owe it to yourself and to your children.

You should speak to a local shelter for abused women. They will be able to give you proper advice on how to make the break cleanly and permanantly.

Good luck.

[Scarlett]

It is great that you have realised that the relationship is dead, and that he is a revolting bully. So many women stay when they should go, and eventually become emotionally "cold" to the man. Only when this happens do they manage to leave him. You also have to think about your kids. They will be in danger if you stay in contact with this man.

Have you got anyone you could go and stay with? I wouldn't wait until you have saved up enough money. I would go to the police first, and report him, and get some advice. They may have somewhere you can go on short notice. If you report him you will have some kind of back up on the off-chance that he tries to manipulate it to be your fault- ie- if he tries in the future to get custody of the kids, or the house or whatever.

Leave now- you don't know what he is going to do next.

You can always come and stay with me- I mean it!

[dancealot13]

Goodsoulette- Please listen to everyone. It's as easy as this JUST GET OUT OF THE SITUATION, Please just leave him! I had to watch my sister who is only 21 go through that, and it took her two years to leave him. He put her in the hospital and i just about wanted to kill him. Dont put yourself or your children through that crap. You can do better then him. So listen to your heart please......AND JUST LEAVE.

[Englishbird]

I knew it was over a year before we split up, but it is in the nature of some of us to always hope that it will get better.

It rarely does.

Sometimes you just have to get to the end, you have to keep going until all the love is gone, that way, when you leave you have no regrets.

Life is so much better outside of an abusive relationship (although I wasn't hit). It's a bit weird to start with as you don't have someone constantly telling you that what you're doing is wrong. It's incredibly liberating, and when you finally do it, you wonder why you didn't do it a long time ago.

Yes, getting some money behind you would be helpful, but not at the risk to you or your children. If any of you are in immediate danger, then get out right now.

Go and talk to your local Citizens advice bureau, that's exactly what they're there for. Mine are really good. They can tell you exactly what benefits you would be entitiled to and other local support groups that can help. Don't try and do it all on your own, make sure you have people backing you up and some advice on how to do it the right way, you will still have to deal with this man after you split, and there are ways of making that easier.

Good luck! you'll start a whole new life and never look back, I know it's easy for people to tell you to leave, and yes of course you shouldn't be in an abusive relationship, but it's never quite that clear cut when you're there. It takes a lot of courage to make that final step, but trust me sweety, it's soooooo worth it. x And your son deserves to grow up outside of an abusive relationship, to try and prevent the cycle.

[metagirl]

congratulations for deciding to get out of this abusive relationship. the worst thing for your children would be to stay in it and watch "dad" beat up or emotionally abusive their mother. my mom was abused by my step father and believe me that is the last thing you want your kids to remember when they think back on their childhood. If you want properly adjusted and happy children - leave and don't look back!

[ermintrude35]

...leave NOW!... please do not put yourself at any more risk , I endured 7 years of exactly the same kind of behaviour from my ex...I know that you are thinking about how you will not be able to cope without his support...believe me after what you have been through with him , what you are about to embark on without him will be a piece of cake!..

...please please please contact your local women's aid helpline , once you say you want to leave him, they will help you to either find a new safe home , or help you keep the one you are already in, they will arrange a solicitor/legal aid/ injunctions if need be/ help you with benefits/child care / and getting you back to work if that's what you need/ they are there to listen and to guide you , they will not force you into anything your not comfortable with, don't worry there not a bunch of men hating lesbians...many were in exactly the same boat as you in the past ,and are now helping others to help themselves..

...my daughter was 2 when I finally plucked up the courage to get out....I have never been happier , she is 12 now, I work full time, and have achieved loads of personal goals, I met a lovelly bloke and spent 5 happy years together...

....believe in yourself and don't listen to him put you down day in day out...you are stronger than him...

...if ever you need to chat there is always someone around here on AB that will listen, don't be alone, and have faith in yourself, please keep in touch....

[suzi-q]

Hi Goodsoulette

Agree with all the previous answers. I was in a similar situation but without the actual physical violence.

The constant mental and emotional abuse is so very destructive. I stayed with my ex for years for the sake of the kids, but it ended up him walking out on me for a younger model!! And the kids ended up traumatised and scarred anyway because he turned his emotional abuse on them because I refused to go back to him when he suddenly changed his mind.

Remember you were put on this earth to live, love and be happy not to support his inadequacies. I thought to myself, I come from a long line of strong, worthwhile women (and men) - am I going to let my life be a waste just to prop up this sad individual? The answer was no - I didnt get much financially out of the divorce but the relief ... no more constant put downs, being shouted at and doing every thing to keep the peace. And for you it would also mean no more living in fear of a beating.

Step by step sort things out for yourself. Get legal advice, you should be entitled to legal aid. If you have any friends you can absolutely trust, confide and talk things over. It really helps. Love yourself and be kind to yourself, you are only human and you dont deserve to be treated like this.

By the way, Ive met and married a wonderful man since my divorce and life is so different now - less money in the kitty but so much richer in love, laughs and equality!!

Very, very best of luck . Keep strong. xxx