Possessiveness

[karinaj]

For years I have been blighted by this and now I have met someone I really love. Everything was going fine and always does (it always follows the same pattern) First of all I am fine and then the more I fall in love the more I get that 'terror' feeling if they disappear and I don't know where they are for a few hours, and also recently my boyfriend got an e mail from a girl he used to work with and she wanted to 'talk over' with him something about work advice or something. Straight away I get this horrible feeling in my heart of worry, and yet he has never been anything but loving. Now he wants us to get married and instead of feeling joy I just feel a sickening worry in my heart about this e mail and yet I know he is trustworthy and loves me and I am not a shy or insecure person. I just wish it would go away but no amount of rationalising works, its like a fear of spiders or something. All I want to do instead of talking about our wedding is ask about this e mail, its pathetic and when we are together I will be worrying if he suddenly goes out of contact. I don't want to be like this and I have never let it show to him, but no amount of reading self help books has ever worked and I have been the same in every relationship, which ironically I always end .. once they do not have the power to hurt me emotionally then I lose interest and move on. Weird.

[KittyGlitter]

It's good that you are aware of your pattern of behaviour. Why not have a few sessions with a psychotherapist? They might help you find the reasons for your behaviour. Once you know why you act the way you do, it can help you to overcome this. It's bit of cliche, but a lot of what goes on in our childhood can affect how we react to things as adults!

[WendyS]

Karinaj - I'm wondering if you suffer from low self esteem or whether you lost somebody very precious in your childhood like a parent and this is a fear that has dogged you ever since?. Or has somebody in your past really let you down and caused lasting hurt? Before you start making any plans to get married I urge you to try and discover what is causing this behaviour, even if it involves some counselling, because possessiveness is a really damaging trait that can strangle any relationship. If you cannot trust your boyfriend, gradually your possessiveness will start to make him fear trapped, even when he is guilty of no offence and in the end he will be desperate to break free. Then the fear of loss cycle will start all over again.
Talk to your boyfriend about your feelings. If he genuinely loves you he will support you in trying to overcome this behaviour. Also try to love and value yourself a little more. All of us are unique in our own way and have a role to play in life which makes use of our individual talents. If you can recognise this, perhaps you will slowly begin to lose your fear of being constantly deserted. Encourage your boyfriend to have some interests apart from you and learn how to cope during these absences. If he really loves you he won't let you down. Whatever relationships we form in life involve emotional risk of some kind. But look around you and see how many people make a success of them! Just have the courage to trust and do likewise.

[terrij]

i do know what you mean though Karinaj ...i think we all get a bit like this especially in the beginning of a relationship....you sort of want to be his all and everything and it kind of hurts when some thing comes on the horizon ie the email.......but the strange thing is once you are their everything and they do everything with you in their heart...this is when usually you loose interest.....i may be wrong but judging how your question comes over you just reminded me of myself many years ago ha ha......but one day you will find this feeling will go it just disappears.....i think it is alot to do with age and innocence.......just enjoy the time you have with your boyfriend and dont think of other things....what is meant to be is meant to be and nothing or no one can change that..... Just be happy and enjoy being young........

[karinaj]

Thank you for your replies and I think I might try to see someone, you are right in your observation, really I know that it is linked to the fact that my father disappeared from our family home when I was very small and everyone told me he had 'gone on holiday' and yet he never returned until I was an adult. I know this is the reason and yet it does not help ! Regarding enjoying being young, I am in my late forties and so ... these things do carry on for all your life ... and that is why now I feel it is time to face it if I can, and I have never really admitted it before and when I found this site the other day I thought 'go for it'.

[WendyS]

karinaj - I think you are already on the way to learning how to deal with your problem by understand your fear has probably been caused by your father walking out on you when you were a child. Learning how to deal with loss is hard one, but in doing so we often understanding more about ourselves in the process.Try to recognise that possibly half of your life has passed and resolve that you will not allow the remainder of it to be blighted by something that happened long ago. You have somebody who loves you and wants to marry you. Talking through this issue with somebody who is trained to help you deal with it will allow you to spend the rest of your without this spectre haunting you into the future.

[Steve_Luts]

Hi Karina,

Sorry to hear of this problem, but I do think its good that you recognise it in great detail, your account sounds like someone who is pretty rational, despite this being a big issue for you which might sometimes lead you to think you are being irrational.

You say you have never let this show to him, but perhaps that's exacerbating the problem. Could I suggest talking this through with your boyfriend in detail? You say he is nothing but loving, and as marriage is on the horizon, this is someone I hope you can trust implicitly. If I were with you and, say, found out you'd been bearing this enormous emotional burden, I'd be bothered that you had not shared it with me. From a man's point of view, I'd want to know about it, not because it would put me off you, but knowing how you feel about this, that the impact of your father leaving in your formative years still affects you many years later, and I would want to help you deal with it - a problem shared is very much a problem halved.

Its normal for your man to have female friends, and you should be pleased that you've got someone who other people feel they can ask for advice - go use him for that yourself!

Hope it all works out.