Funny one liners

[laurence2]

The funniest one liner i heard once, A mate of mine plucked up courage to go up to a girl on the dance floor and ask her to dance, she duly obliged, next thing he goes storming out the nightclub, i went up to her and said what happened.

she said he ask her if she comes here often, she replied, IF I DID THE FLOOR WOULD BE VERY STICKY.

When i caught up with him later he thought she was some sort of tart {bless him}

[curiosity]

I'm quite proud of one of my own, don't know where it came from, but the timing was excellent (if I say so myself). Whilst gathered in a small group the dog amongst us was happily cleaning her private parts, one of the rather cocky girls in the group (in an attempt to embarass/shock people) said "ooh I wish I could do that" to which I replied "give it a biscuit, and it might let you" much to the delight of the others, and to her embarassment. She was amused though after her initial cringe.

[indiegirly]

A guy in a night club once told me that he was my 'ideal' man, cause he had a 6 inch tongue and could breathe through his ears.. I replied ' i thought you looked like a lizard'..

[treacle84]

That's brilliant! I wish i was that quick. I'm the sort if person who gets home and thinks 'I really should have said that...'

[Postdog]

The best one for me was many years ago as a naive teenager. Travelling home on the tube one valentines day, I found myself sitting opposite a girl who I became really smitten with. Well, the journey progressed, and she was still there towards the end of the line where I got off, and with one station to go and just us in the carriage, I agonised over whether I should or shouldn't try to say something.

She accidentally hit my leg with hers, and said sorry, so I replied "No problem - do you know, if I'd have known you'd have been on the train tonight (remember the date dear readers) I'd have brought a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates"

Quick as a flash she came back with "If I'd have known you'd be on the train, I'd have effing walked!".

Talk about not knowing whether to laugh or cry.

[jaberwocky]

customer in a glasgow pub i overheard said to the barmaid 'this pint's a bit cloudy' quick as you like she replied 'what do you want for �1.90, thunder and lightning?'

[Fish the Mod]

Mine is not that funny but I went into a busy curry house one night. I really dont mind waiting as long as I have a beer but no one acknowledge my wife . "Lets go somewhere else", I suggested and as we went to the door a waiter came running after us and said" where are you going" I replied that we have been waiting 20 minutes, no drink, no menu, no nothing and he replied' But we're very busy to which I said ' I've done you a favour, you're less busy now and left.

The best one is not so much a one liner but taken from only fools and horses. When a person serving me has a face like thunder or poor manners, After I take my change, I say 'Did you sue them'? and when they say Sue who? I reply the charm School. I used it in McDonalds yesterday with cry of laughter from the queue behind me.

[jaberwocky]

here's another on a bbc scotland play, 'lend me your face to haunt a house'.i've been dying for the chance to say that to somebody.

[gilliantico@]

My Mum always called my Dad '****'...One day they were in a Department Store on the Mens underwear counter, when Mum picked up some pants and said......Will These Fit Ya '****'.she didn't realise what she had said and how it sounded...everyone else had!....

[joko]

a great famous one -

"madam, if i was your husband, i would give you poison to drink"
"sir, if i was your wife, i'd drink it!"

and

"sir, you are drunk!"
"yes but in the morning I will be sober, you however will be still be ugly"

can't remember who said them though....?

[waimarie]

Hi joko, the last one was Winston Churchill and (I think) Bessie Braddock.

[pagey]

Postdog, Isn't it surprising how deeply offensive some females can be?!

Curiosity, your doggie one is a treat. You must have felt pretty chuffed with yourself after that one!

[agnabeya]

In a clinic one day a rather rotund chap came in for a blood pressure check.
He had a large choccie bar in his mouth with the wrapper half off while he unidid his jacket.
Me (severley)- 'I hope that's healthy food you're eating?'
Him - 'My body is a temple - seating for 500...'

I still chuckle at that.......

[KOPFILE]

Customer: I was in here the other night and had a chicken dish , can't remember what it was....?

Waiter:(very busy but wide awake) pollo alla diavola number 49 on the menu

Customer:ah ok what does it come on again?

Waiter(really busy) a plate

[wallis1007]

Several years ago a few of us were walking in N.Yorks ( one person in the group was a well known comedian at the time ).We were deciding where to go the next day when it became clear the only mountain we hadn't been up was private. So next day off we went anyway and sure enough about half way up we met lord pillock himself driving his 4x4. When he told us we weren't allowed on his land because he owns it, he was asked how anyone can own a mountain. So he went through the story of how it was handed down through generations of his family.So the question was asked, how did it get into your'e family originally." well they fought for it" came the answer. As quick as a flash our comedien friend replied "right, get out of your'e car and i'll fight you for it"