Boyfriend Does Not Believe In Marriage But Is Committed. Is There A Way I Can Feel Safe/ Secure Without Marriage? (Power Of Attorney, Knowing If We Had Kids They Would Be Taken Care Of Etc.)

[Samanthawa23]

My boyfriend and I have been together for three and a half years. He does not believe in marriage and does not want to get married. He said he will buy me a beautiful ring so as I can identify myself as taken which was a concern for me. He also said that he will stay faithful to me and his actions in our relationship should speak louder than words. He is an amazing person and had always been there for me but there are certain aspects if marriage I feel I need to feel safe and secure in the relationship. For instance power of attorney: taking care of one another in sickness and health, if we have children he will be involved in their lives and be equally responsible for taking care of them, how will I identify my boyfriend in public without feeling judged or having to explain to others, should I change my last name to his, how do we explain the fact we are not married to our future children? He is willing to sign documents legally to commit all but a marriage certificate? Is there any document anyone out there is aware of that would cover some of this stuff? He agreed to a domestic partnership only they are no longer valid in the state of Washington and it is also not a common law state.

[CokeTulip]

Sorry Samantha.. I think he would stick pins in his eyes if he knew it would make you happy and he wanted to make you feel secure. Thats what I think. He knows you need that (whatever he might say) and lets hope he puts you first.

[Samanthawa23]

I am extremely happy in my current relationship other than the legalities of it all. I am 28 and everyone around me is having children and getting married . It doesn't help that I am a child therapist and work with children all of the time. His rationale for not wanting to get married has to do with the government and not having them involved in the decisions that we make. To add to that his parents were married but his father was abusive they later divorced but were able to work things out and never remarried and never him or his sister until he was 19. Also, too many people are getting divorced and this is worrisome to both men and woman in the states. Filing taxes as a single individual with a child works in our favor if we are not married as in we would get more money from the government for our children if we were to have any. As far as birth certificate if his name is on it he is responsible for child support. Too often a man (or a woman for that matter) will run out on the partner and may pay child support but is not involved in the child's life. This is really important to me and if I had some way of ensuring my future kids safety I would do whatever it took. He would rather not have a title of "divorced " if things did not work out. He said he will be with me for as long as I would like him in my life. He also states that when people get married there is a pattern he notices that they stop trying. I don't want his credit and he doesn't want mine. We keep our finances separate but when things get tough for one of us the other always helps without obligation to pay back the money. I think a lot of my worry comes from wanting something set in stone and that is safe and secure as both of my parents passed away when I was 24 and my grandmother at 25. There is no one left as a support system. I see him as a support system and if that fails I am left with nothing. He believes I am calling his character into question which I have told him that is not it. I have seen his actions and I know he loves me and takes care of me and vice versa. I'd like to know that we are both in this together for the long haul and having documentation of that would make me feel a lot better about things. Or what would prevent him or I from jumping into another relationship and or marriage? He believes it is about the glitz and glam of a wedding and woman one upping one another by getting married that I want all of this . I do not care about that. As for identifying him it is difficult for me to identify him as "partner" because it has a different meaning in the stares especially with new laws passed. People would assume I was a lesbian. It sounds ridiculous I know but i want people to know who I am and who I am with. The information regarding school forms is very helpful as far as surname goes. Thank you so much that really helps to plan for the future. In addition, thank you to everyone else who is posting and helping me out I truly appreciate it and take all of your posts into consideration.

[pixie373]

Ignore the sexist "women fall for it" bit. I'm not sure i believe in marriage and have put my partner off more than once. From the reasons you give, i can understand both sides. Although my parents were married. And when they divorced, i saw my dad a handful of times after (never sober. Him, that is), although my mum tried to keep us in contact. If he is the sort of person to walk out on his kids, marriage will never change that. You have as much commitment now as you'll ever get. So look at him and work out whether you want him more, or marriage more. It doesn't guarantee anything.

[Samanthawa23]

Pixie you sound just like him. He also says marriage does not guarantee anything. It so difficult for me because some people say leave others say stay with him. His own mother ( who is religious) said not to buy a house or have kids unless we are married and that if he doesn't marry me than I should leave him. Keep in mind his 6 year relationship prior to dating me ended with her giving him an ultimatum and leaving. I do not want to do that to him because I love him. At the same time I do not want to neglect what is important to me and come to a compromise where we are each getting what we want .

[Brinjal]

I thin Fred has put it clearly. It depends on whether you want to get married or not. If you want to be married and he doesn't want to ever then it is time to find someone else.

[pixie373]

It's difficult to compromise on marriage, you either do it or you don't. The problem is, that if he gives in, he may feel resentful and you won't feel any more secure (security comes from the relationship, not the wedding), so things may go downhill. However, i understand your reasons too. I would say ignore what anyone else thinks and go with what you feel.

[AliFlump]

I dont think marriage is essential to a happy ever after but if its what you want you will have to come to a compromise. My fiance and i have been together for 12 years (both 31yrs old) we bought a house together after 18 months and got engaged after 4 years, we knew we would get married at some point but we were happy the way we were and were getting our finances in line. Now after 8 years of being engaged we decided to set a date. There was no pressure from either side and im really looking forward to it. I see it as more of a day to celebrate our love with the people we love and committing ourselves rather than making sure we have the correct label in society.

I dont feel judged by anyone for not being married, people asking why i dont want children and telling me ill change my mind eventually is far more annoying!!!!

I think you have to decide if marriage is the most important thing to you or just wanting to ensure you are secure legally which a will and names on a birth certificate should cover

Dont listen to those who say dump him if he wont marry. He has every right to not want to marry as you do to marry

[Peter Pedant]

Blimey - I got married - none of this federal govt interfering cr+p - to prevent my grasping relatives from booting out my partner onto the street in the case of my death.
I agree there was a bit of the lovey-dovey thing - but it was a definite second to the security the law gives....

There may be various rights in common law marriage in some states
This is UK site and there are none. [here]