12 year old on a train

[Angel41]

My ex has recently moved about 100 miles away. We have a 12 year old son and he thinks that he should travel up on the train to see him. He says that to come and collect him in the car (every other weekend)would involve a 4 hour round journey if there was no hold ups and that this would be impossible for him to do as his job involves quite alot of driving. The train journey would require my son to change trains at one station. I think this is very unreasonable to expect him to do this especially at his age but my ex cant see the problem. Im just wondering what other people think about this.

[davver]

For what it's worth: from the age of 13 I regularly travelled home from school on exeat weekends, a journey of about 100 miles. Although there were often many other boys from my school on the London-bound track, there were hardly any on mine so I'd almost always be by myself. I had probably only travelled on the train about two or three times before, when I was very young, so had no real experience before. No problems. On the other hand a friend of mine only recently dared to travel by herself on the trains at the age of 19 and even then got lost! So I think the answer is to base your decision upon character rather than age.
On another point, I don't think it is selfish of your ex to want the boy to travel on the train - if that's the quickest and easiest way for him to travel then fair enough!

[davver]

Furthermore, if you do decide he's up to it then it'd be great for his independence and self-confidence.

[FP]

Davver, My son was at boarding school and very independent at quite a young age.  He went off to Borneo to stay with a friend when he was only just 16 and spent two months out there travelling.  I worried constantly, but he survived very well.   He is now extremely self confident and independent and I know he can cope in any situation.  At the age of 22 he has now travelled a great deal.  They have to start somewhere.  Most children have more sense than we credit them with.

[padders]

Surely your ex should have thought of this before moving so far away. Kids have school concerts, sports days, parents evenings to which he should be going - is he saying he cant be bothered?

I had the reverse problem with my ex, she took my daughter 400 miles - and there is nothing you can do about it. At first, she said I would have to drive up, pick her up and then drive home again but after a lot of negotiation, we now either meet halfway or one of us drops her off and the other brings home or vice versa.  This seems to work OK.

Do not let you ex put a 12 year old on a train alone in this day and age.  The rail staff are not babysitters and have probably not even had a police criminal records check.  He chose to move therefore he needs to sort out the travel arrangements.  You don't know who the child will be sitting in a carriage with and you will not be able to stop worrying until you know he is safely there.  If anything happened, I would expect the police to take a dim view of him travelling alone in the first place!  It is only just legal to leave him in his own home alone at 12!

[FP]

I am honestly not arguing for arguing's sake, but think there is a vast difference in maturity between kids.  Some kids are very immature and irresponsible at the age of 17.    

Apparently there are no laws saying at what age a child should not be alone at home, for this reason. 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/2603817.stm

[dirtyharriet]

It was your ex's choice to move 100 miles away so he really can't complain about having to drive to pick him up if he wants to see him. I personally wouldn't let my son travel such a long distance on his own.
I would be inclined to tell your ex that if he wants to see his son he can at least travel halway to meet him. Why should it be down to your son to make all the effort?
Your ex sounds selfish and not very responsible. What if your son got mugged or beaten up by some older kids? If they took his money or mobile how would he get in contact with either of you?

[Angel41]

Thank you all for your answers and I thought I'd let you know that tonight I took my son on the train to the first station and my ex came down and met him there to take him back up, and the same thing will happen with the return journey except that I shall drive and collect him from the station. My ex also decided to announce that if this is the way things are going to be he will only be able to see his son every 3 weeks as the cost of travelling on the train is too great. If it wasnt for the fact that my son loves his dad and I'm trying not to create any friction I would have told him there and then where to go. I dont see how any father can put a price on seeing their own child and I find it amazing that we were together 18 years and I'm only just seeing a side to him that I never knew existed.

[smudge]

Angel41 - Just tuned into this thread & I'm glad you didn't allow your son to travel on a train alone Angel.

There is no way we would have allowed either of our two daughters to do the same at 12 years old. (The same would have applied if we had have had a son).

Our 16 year old, tall, intelligent, street wise nephew, was recently mugged on a train to southend. He was not alone, but with three other lads. The muggers tore the sentimental chain from his neck & stole his mobile phone & money. They also did the same to his friends.

[ginette]

hi, i think you are absolutely right, and your ex is lazy and irresponsible. it`s not a case of whether your son is sensible enough, sadly there are too many dangerous people around and i don`t mean to sound dramatic but, on a train carriage there`s no where to run to! i have 3 sons one of which is a very sensible 16yr old and i dont allow him to even travel the underground alone. a bus is always a safer bet i feel. stand your ground and don`t let him go, it`s not worth the worry or the risk.

[FP]

Smudge, with respect anyone of any age can get mugged on a train, and I can't believe that anyone would not let a 16 year old travel alone on a train.   Unfortunately, the world is not a safe place, but we can't always be there to protect our children so going out into the big wide world should be a gradual learning process.

My son successfully dealt with a mugger in a very adult fashion whilst in London at Victoria Coach Station at the age of 16.  He couldn't have done this if he had never been able to learn how to deal with things or travel alone. 

I am a very caring mum and worry excessively over my only child but I recognise the dangers of being over protective.   We live out in the sticks and my son was allowed to travel into Norwich alone from the age of 12 to visit his friends.

[smudge]

FP - I wasn't saying you shouldn't allow a 16 year old to travel alone - I was referring to the fact that even at 16, our nephew & his friends were together & mugged on a train.

The day after the mugging, they were off out again, but sadly minus their jewellery & mobile phones.

You are right of course, anyone of any age can be mugged when travelling alone, but I was particularly referring to Angel's 12 year old son & the fact that we wouldn't have allowed our daughters to do so at that age.

I can tell you are a caring, loving Mum FP - but we all see & deal with things in different ways. :o)

[FP]

Sorry, Smudge, I got your posting muddled up with another user, who said they wouldn't let their 16 year old travel on the tube.

I suppose I have always been very aware that I have a tendency to be over-protective and have made strong resolutions not to let this happen!  It worked though.

I must admit, I am surprised at the number of people who would not let a 12 year old travel alone and change trains.  It may well be that kids travelling to and from boarding schools at exeats do it all the time.  My son's friend from Brunei, used to travel from Norwich to London, by onward train to Heathrow  and thence by air to Brunei regularly at holiday times from the age of  13. Apart from travelling with his friend to Brunei at just 16, at 18 my son took himself off to Australia to meet up with friends and travel.  I am really pleased he is so confident and capable.

As you say, we are all different and as long as we all care for and love our children different ways work for different families.

In no way am I being critical of anyone else on this thread.  

[smudge]

That's quite alright FP - sleep tight.

[funkychicken]

a few years back (I was about 13) I travelled on GNER from newcastle to london, there was a thing for unaccompanied children where you paid so much (I think it was �50 one way) and you went in first class and the staff were supposed to check on you, when you got to the other end the person collecting you had to prove that they were who they were meant to be (I think you told them the persons name on booking) before they would let them take you away.

I'm not sure if they still do this kinda thing, maybe its something you could consider, however I think 12 is too young to travel completely by themself.

[precious_can]

im 13 (girl) and although i wood b pertrifed of going on a train alone i know half my frends wood without any problem in the world, and do, so talk to ure son and find out whether he wood b happy with it, as long as its not late he shood b fine.

[spainlads]

Check with the train operating company that you're planning on using. Get them to check the 'Bye laws' and 'conditions of carriage'. It is illegal for a child under a certain age to travel alone. I know of a case where one parent put the child on board the train at York and the other picked the child up at the other. They were both arrested for 'abandoning a child'. I honestly can't remember how old the child was, but I'd check if I was you.

[kpfrisby]

why not . kids always want everything these days and think they are twice there age so let him go and save on the traffic jams that parents cause .

[TEX]

I understand the issues concerning the safety of a minor travelling by themselves, if a minder could be arranged to accompany the child for the outbound & return journey for �30 would that be an acceptable solution.

[chillirabbit]

Hi Angel41.

I too have an ex partner who lives a long way from us.  London-Devon.  He too suggested that my then 13 yr old son travel on the train unescorted.

NO WAY!!  He is now 14and1/2 and The answer is still the same.

Stick to your guns girl. Good luck

[mollymandy]

Talk to your son , what does he think about it ? maybe he could visit for the six week holidays and get a web cam !!! .... you are his mum and you know you are not happy with him travelling that journey on his own , so dont feel guilty get your ex to put more effort into it !!! you have to know that he is safe at all times . he is twelve .