Should I let her go? Is she gay>?

[bowannabow]

I have been seeing a girl for a few months (i suppose i consider myself bi-sexual, if i need to be labelled, though i am currently very confused!). She was always reticent to come out, having never been with a woman before (whereas I have and am quite comfotable adn open about it). When we were together we had the best time, it was great. Times when we were apart she said she felt scared and worried and never talked to any of her friends about what was going on.

She finished the relationship for this reason - said needs to sort her head out and 'what she's doing' without me being around. She says she fell for badly and can't handle it. We met up last week and I hoped she had changed her mind but she was as confused as ever. Says wants to remain friends but still wantedf to be physical with me.. She has now gone on holiday for a week with the knowledge that I don;t want to see her anymore as 'friends' - i said a clean break was best. I miss her like mad and don;t know what do to. I know she has a lot to deal with emotionally, is she better off doing it on her own? I've never tried to 'out' her and feel I've been as suportive as I can. Any advice from people. esp. those who've had similar experiences would be very welcome. Thanks.

[andy-hughes]

I really sympathise with your predicament, but I think on balance you have done the right thing.

Only if your friend has a chance to miss you will she realise if a relationship with you is what she wants, and if she does, she will come back.

If not, then you have already started the process of moving on, although you are in limbo now, when you know what is happening, you can either get on with deepening your relationship, or finding another one.

I do feel for your friend's predicament, but she does have to make a decision, it's not fair to take the bits of the relationship she wants, and leave the bits that make her uncomfortable.

If you are in touch, urge her to get some impartial advice, preferably from a Lesbian Support Group to try and get her feelings in some sort of order, simply hoping that things will 'sort themselves out' is not a good way forward for her, or for you.

If it's any comfort, you have done the most loving and sensible things you can, and tried to minimise hurt and confusion for all concerned. I think your friend should think very carefully before giving up someone like you in her life.

[noxlumos]

I'm not sure how much help I can be as it's my son whose gay not me, but he had similar feelings of not wanting to be openly gay although he was to us and we had no problems with it, it was to his friends he was concerned. He and his boyfriend took some time apart, about six weeks, for similar resons to yours and then he woke up one morning realising that he was still going to be feeling as confused and uncertain when he was 50 if he didn't "out" himself.

He went to his boyfriend's house and apologised and they worked it out from there and are now very happy. He just needed to do it at his own pace, although his boyfriend had never pressurised him in any way.Not very much help, but to him it was a peer pressure thing and I think it was all worse in his head than it was in reality as as far as I'm aware he's had no really negative responses from anyone and he's now perfectly comfortable.

[lkn2cln22]

I would think that she is having trouble with the whole "lesbian" thing.She is not sure how people will act towards her.She is feeling uncomfortable.When she can come to grips with that then she will beable to truely know how she feels about you.I wouldn't try to push her into making any decisions.When you both are together remember that she will probaly change her mind again later.Don't get your hopes up anytime soon that she has came to a decision about this.If it is worth it to you to be with her like this than that's up to you but I don't think a emotional roller coaster is my ideea of a good relationship.I think you both need time away to sort through your feelings.Good luck!!!

[funkymoped]

i work with a girl that is lesbian, not bi. she is in the same sort situation. she only has female partners but has never once mentioned to any of the lads that she is gay. what she will do is the usual pretty girl in a work full of men thing.. tease them, let them think she is "normal" (her words, not mine.)

but the poor girl hasnt the courage to stand up and admit that she is gay. she`s afraid of the work place ribbing. its not going to be easy for anyone to come out, but if she cant face her own feelings, how can she expect others to ? (my friend and your girl)

giving her space was the best option, perhaps not the easiest, but the best.

im sorry i cant be of any real help, but am also sure that time will heal the pain you got in your head and heart.

best wishes.

[raysparx]

definitely better to sort her own head out,it isn't easy for everbody,a lot of people are in denial of what they are,

once she realises she will obviously feel a lot better,I am hetro,so have never been in that position but even thinking about how you would tell friends and family must be a nightmare,can only wish you both love and happiness in the future,which is all any of us want!