Problem Step Daughter

[Inquiring]

I am 35 ,with a 13 year old daughter of my own whom we are very close, and always have been. I recently married a wonderful , kind , generous man whom is a full time Dad to a 12 year old girl. He was a single dad with full custody since she was born. He and I dated for 2-3 years before marrying.There has been problems with his daugther lying and trying to get me out of the picture since the begining. I broke up with my now husband when dating because of this, however he spoke with the girl and she stopped for a while. Now that were married she is doing again. She caculates, manipulates and over has a cold heart. She has now begun lying to her father about what his parents, and siblings supposly think of me ( they are very upset with her too ). I have tried reasoning , punishment and understanding. None work. What can i do. I am fighting the feelings of not even wanting to be around her. The Sopposed evil step mom.

[andy-hughes]

This is a very common problem in this situation - you have the normal teenager-from-hell sydrome x 10 because she has a scenario where she can manipulate and cause trouble.

You have to remember, and it's really hard - that this little girl (and she is believe it or not) is feeling very confused about her own feelings and everyone else's. Part of the problem for teenagers is that they don;t like themselves very much, so they make sure no-one else likes them either!

What to do?

First, you have to get your husband on side with you. Divide-and-rule is a standard tactic, so cut it off at the root - you two must always always ALWAYS back each other up, even if you think the other is wrong, work it out in private, but in front of her, you are as one.

Next, you must get her on side. When you get on, make a big deal of it, say how important she is to you, how much you love her, and want her to be happy, how important it is to you that she shares her dad with you. Lay it on with a trowel at every opportunity, but be sincere, and if you can't manage it some days, leave it out until you can.

When she does fall out with you - and teenage girls can start a fight in an empty room - be as calm as you can. Soak up all the 'you are not my mother' lines, and don't react. Tell her that you love her, but not her behaviour right now, and if she carries on, absent yourself without answering back. When she calms down, tell her that you always love her, and you know life is hard, and you are there for her.

I know it sounds like you are making all the concessions, but this is how it has to be - she is the child, you are the adult, on no account do you try and argue on her terms, limit the damage on your terms, and go from there.

It takes patience and love, but you will get there if you persevere.Stay calm, she will respond - promise!

[Poglet]

inquiring, i feel for you, i am in a 2nd time relationship and my other half has 3 adult boys and i have 2 teenage daughters. they do play us off each other but over the years it has got easier, stick with it and like andy says, whateva comes out of her mouth, remember it is a child inside talking.... good luck, be strong

andy, would this sort of thing work with my own daughter. she is 16 and we used to be sooooo close, now everything I do is embarrassing or boring to her.... i miss our closeness.

[andy-hughes]

Hi Poglet - yes it does work. What is happening is that the similarities which made you close when your daughter was growing up are what separate you now. Subconciously, each of you are encountering the 'you' that you don't like very much, and it winds both of you up.

The good news is, when your daughter is a woman - very soon now, she will come back, and you will be closer than ever. I watched it happen with my wife and her oldest daugher - my step-daughter - although personally I have no time for the label, there were times in her teens when I had to physically separate them! She is thirty-one now, with two lovely children, and a settled relationship, and she and my wife are like sisters.

Hang in there - it does get better, promise!

A x

[whiskeysheri]

Speaking as a former bitch-from-hell-stepdaughter, I would have to say I would recommend everything that andy-hughes has suggested. Stick at it too, it only got boring for me when I didn't get the reaction I was after. I was 13 at the time. x