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[elliec]

I'm 37, married, and have two kids 3 and 7. Since my Dad died 4 years ago any occasional support from my Mum has stopped alto gether. Before my Dad died they would have my daughter overnight maybe 2 or 3 times a year. Now my Mum never babysits and has never taken my kids out on their own. I know there's nothing I can do to improve the situation - my mum said we had to get used to her being a sedentary grandmother. I have a friend with much the same problem - a mother who never helkps out and gives the impression, unlike my mum, that she has no interest in her grandchildren at all. My question is are there any chat rooms or web site specifically for parents bringing up kids on their own without grandparent?. It would be great to chat to people in my position. I find it hard to see grandparents pushing prams down the street or hear other mums talk about how their parents can't wait to have the grandkids over.

[gessoo]

I suppose the problem is nowadays that most grandparents are out and enjoying themselves until much, much older. I personally, don't relish being a grandparent and know I would hate looking after them. However, I would be interested in my grandchildren and available for occasional support. Is your Mum quite young - perhaps she is trying to build a new life for herself and doesn't want any ties.

My own mother was widowed quite young and was flitting about very much enjoying herself when I had a young child. She did babysit occasionally though.

I think you have to face the facts that you can't change things and try to get support in other ways. I don't think you should let it cloud the relationship you have with your mother. Grandparents shouldn't have to feel that they have to play a part in the grandchildren's lives. You have to respect her decision.

Could you and your friend babysit for each other on occasions so that you get a break?

[Whickerman]

I know it's not the same, and this wo't directly answer your question, but try googling 'adopt grandparents'. There are loads of organisations with older people/couples looking for people to 'adopt' them as grandparents. I know this doesn't ease the hurt of the rejection you're feeling, but it may help in other ways. Good luck.

[alietrace]

hello there - i'm going to give you 2 answers to your problem - the "gentle" one and the "tough love" one.

gentle: some women are just not maternal and much as they love their kids and grandkids, they have no wish to babysit. my mum whom i loved and loved me never once babysat my boys, infact she rarely saw them but that was just my mum. sadly she has now passed over and never got to meet my first grandchild. i would have my granddaughter 24/7 if her mum would let me. i care for her on mondays and tuesdays while her mum is at work and i love it. but not all granny's are like that. by the way age has nought to do with it, i am only 46.

tough love: your mum is not that kind of granny, she will probably be great with the kids when they are 17 or 18 but not now. you will just have to love your mum loads and accept that child care is going to be something you'll have to arrange for yourself!!

but most of all, love your mum, love your kids and love yourself. invite your mum round for sunday dinner to spend time with you and the kids together.

good luck.

[sam82]

i can honeslty say neither of my granparents have looked after me while growing up, and my grampa lived 10 doors away from us.....was taken to visit them, but cant say they played an active part in my life, although i do know they love me very much and are interested in what paths i have taken in life. i am 24 this year, and cant even remember them saying happy birthday apart from my 18th & 21st.

Cant say it has really affected me. if my mums mum hadnt died when she was young maybe it would have been different, but my parents brought me and my brother up and didnt have any support from there parents.

[Robinia]

Maybe your mum has lost her confidence and without your father doesn't feel she could cope. Could you ask her to just have one of them for an hour or so while you have your hair done or nip to the shops? Just little and often might be the way forward.

And it works both ways, grans appreciate support from their offspring too - have you asked her if there's anything you can do for her?

[silly moo]

As someone who has never relied on parents to 'help out' with my children I find this question / discussion quite strange.
Your mum (presumably) chose to have you and looked after you. You (also presumably) chose to have your children and you look after them.
Both my parents and my in-laws are much loved and very loving, but it is not part of their job to care for my children.

I agree with Robinia that maybe your Mum is more in need of support these days than able to give it.

Also have you ever thought of joining or starting a baby sitting circle? It solves your evening problems but not overnight ones.
Enjoy your children as much as you can - they all too soon become independant.

[Tizzi247]

I totally understand your mum's point of view. I love my grandchildren to bits - I have 6, ranging from 14 to 3 years, but I have never had any of them over to stay. I work full time and my weekends are precious to me as this is the only time I can call my own. I see them all regularly and they know I love them.

However, I cannot see my attitude changing when | retire. I hope to be out and about doing things. I know this is probably a selfish way of thinking, but I am not a gooey sort of person, who drools over children or babies.

I think the best idea is to "adopt grandparents". At least you know these people are longing to be grandparents.

[elliec]

if and when I'm lucky enough to be a grandparent, I'll help my children out whether I feel like it or not. Partly because I haven't had much help and know how it feels, partly because I like children and mostly because its a grandparent's duty - I bet that'll annoy some of you !

[gessoo]

Well you haven't annoyed me Ellie. Each to his own. But I do disagree that it's a grandparent's duty. How do you make that out? Many grandparents don't even live near their children. I love my son. I looked after him without the help of grandparents and I never expected my mother to help out. His other grandmother was in bad health. I have done my bit of child rearing and I think I made a good job of it. I really am amazed at the amount of grandparents that look after their grandchildren these days whilst the parents works. I think they are saintly to do it.

As much as I like children I don't want to look after them any more. Obviously I would help out in an emergency! :o)

[gessoo]

I'm ready Shaney, but I do get my oats every morning already!

[gessoo]

Whoops, I posted on the wrong thread. Sorry

[elliec]

My best friend has recently found out she has a serious heart condition and has to have open heart surgury in the next year or elso heart / lung transplant (10 days in hospital, weeks in bed and no driving for 6 months). She has two kids aged 7 and 2. Her Mother lives 50 yards away from her and does nothing to help. She makes it perfectly clear she doesn't like minding grandchildren, but is perfectly happy to drop into my friend's house, drink tea and talk about her love life.

OK so you say its not her duty to help out and she shouldn't be blamed if she doesn't want to - been through all that and doesn't want to go through it again. OK, well i don't particularly enjoy baby sitting, but because its my friend, because I care about her, because it makes me sad to see her tired after yet another broken nights sleep and because she hardly ever gets time alone with her husband I have no problem looking after her kids.

Surely her own Mother would feel the same way ? And not feeling that way and helping out my friend makes her a bad mother and grandmother.

[gessoo]

ellieC, I think the example that you quoted is completely different from normal babysitting or looking after children on a regular basis. Of course, I would help any friend or relation that was in this predicament. I wouldn't hesitate.

[gessoo]

However, Ellie, if a couple choose to have children then I think they should not assume that their own parents should take a part in the children's upbringing or care. That is just grossly unfair. If the grandparents want to help then that is different. Bringing up children is hard work and the biggest commitment any parent takes on. I get so furious that parents think that the grandparents should always be on call. I see so many grandparents looking worn out and fed up because they care for their grandchildren on a daily basis while the parents go out to work.