death

[zekethegeek]

my boyfriends mother is dying and she has been very troubled her whole life with drug addiction and he was neglected by her alot as a young child- she then gave him to a good family to do the right thing- he hasn't seen her for manyyears- how can i help him?

[4getmenot]

Just by being there for him. :-)

[WendyS]

What an unhappy dilemma for him. I don't know how he feels about this woman who has never really featured much in his life but I suspect thoughts of her will be greatly occupying his mind. Neither of them can change the past but her future is very short now and perhaps he will for ever be haunted if he doesn't see her one more time and make his peace with her. As we get older it is more common to reflect on our past and what we could, or might have done better or differently. Perhaps you should encourage him to meet with her again, if only to prevent regrets which may catch up with him after she has died. It will help his mother to have a more satisfactory closure to her life and perhaps hopefully help your boyfriend, once she is gone, to know that her part in his life was acknowledged when it mattered. He's probably feeling quite confused & torn about this so give him lots of emotional support.

[loulou80]

does he want to see his mum?how does he feel about her?i can't really say because i haven't been in that position but if i were your boyfriend i'd try and make contact with my mum because if she died i'd probably feel guilty knowing that i hadn't made my peace with her.it just dependsif he wants to see or speak to her and vice versa.the best thing you can do is support him and bee there for him.sorry its not much help but good luck anyway.

[tigga]

I agree, i would go and see her at least once to say thank you for what she did, and that i realsed how difficult it must have been.

[andy-hughes]

This is a tough one. Although in no way as difficult, my dad walked out on us when I was twenty-four, and we never saw or heard from him again, until we were told that he had died, and one of his last wishes was that he was cremated before we were told of his death.

I deliberated over the years if i should try and get in touch with him, but we had a very very difficult relationship, and I wasn't at all sad to see him go.

Now, it's too late. Am I upset I didn;t see him and try and put things right? No, because if I really wanted to, I would have attempted to make contact, so i can;t have wanted him in my life that much.

the question for your boyfriend is simple - if his mother died tomorrow, would he regret not having seen her? If he can say yes, then he sould see her and talk to her, if not, then no, leave well alone. Sometimes the most complex emotional issues have to be resolved with a simple Yes or No - it's the only way to reach a conclusion.

[zekethegeek]

thank you all for your input- this is such a great website- i guess i have another question along with the first one- and now i wonder why i left so much out in the first place- i am in maine with my mom right now, because he and i have been having some serious problems recently- we have an apartment together in california and i left 3 weeks ago to get myself back together- i almost really don't want to say it and i guess that's why i didn't in the first place but if i really want to figure this out, i have to just go ahead... he became abusive and was put in jail. we talk every day and are working things out a bit- a big reason why he is so troubled and why he became abusive is because of what he went through as a young child- we both went through some abuse as children and it's no surprise we ended up together now that i'm learning more about abusive relationships and the cycle and patterns abused people get into- we both want to break those cycles within ourselves- hope for our relationship is alive for both of us- but one thing after another keeps happening- our relationship is challenge- pure challenge- nothing short of it- and we're happy with that- we want challenge- he sounds good about things and his batterers treatment program is going well for him, though daunting- he is going to see his mom and some advice he got form a neighbor who has had a very similar life said forget all the bad stuff, as you all recommend, and be with her while you can- he is very shaken up- i'm worried about our relationship, ofcourse, but i can't be there for him right now and so i'm even more worried- someone else is going to take care of him with this and i feel like a failure for not being there- though the reason i'm here is that he was not safe to be around- what a mess, eh? kind of gigantic.

any thoughts would be much appreciated-

[noxlumos]

Personally I'd encourage him to go and see her as I think in years to come he'll be glad he did.Even if he doesn't have a genuinely kind thought in the world for her, if he extends to her the very best part of his nature, his kindness and understanding in her hour of need, then it will lay his ghosts for him once and for all probably.We all make mistakes in our lives and I would imagine that she is wretched over hers now that she has no more time and seeing him again will have to be some kind of solace for her and ultimately I'd like to think will help him come to terms with their less than perfect relationship so far. Remember you only ever regret the things you haven't done and if he doesn;t go to see her I can't help feeling he'll live to deeply regret that some day.

[zekethegeek]

also i wanted to mention that his mother getting sick at this point in his life and at this point of my relationship with him is.... i don't know the word to describe it actually- but all this stuff has happened between us- we met when we both joined a backcountry trail building crew in the wilderness of northern california- a 5 month program of very basic living and very hard manual labor- very challenging- an awesome experience and one i shared very closely with him- we've had some similar experiences and reactions to them- we are so close- and his relationship with his mother is one that he is so sad about and that he talked about quite abit when i first got to know him- it's a huge part of how he feels about the world and himself- and i know how sensitive it is for him and i have planned to be there for him whenever he decided to contact her again- and just last night he told me about her- i'm just very overwhelmed-

[noxlumos]

hi,sorry zekethegreek cross posted with you there. I myself was badly abused as a young child and that only stopped when my father died when I was seven. I had huge anger management problems when I was younger (I'm 45 now) and ended up on rpison for greivous bodily harm. My first wife and I were also mutually abusive to one another and the only way to stop the cycle of anger and hurt is to deal with yourself quite severely. I was drug and alcohol addicted, my wife and I split up and I was a total mess ( not realising at that point that I had to deal with everything that happened to me as a kid). I went to my now second wife for help because I was desperate and she helped me get off my addictions and deal with my fear and anger about my childhood and she was the only soul good enough to even try. It has been an interesting journey and an easier one than I would have thought but that is down a lot to her tenacity and refusal to believe in the nastier parts of my personality.The less she acknowledged my negative side, the weaker it grew.That was nearly10 years ago and it was only 3 years ago that I finally managed to forgive my father and with that my almost lifelong anger and depression lifted. You really do have to give something to get rid of something that consuming and huge, and it was simply acknowledging that however much of a psychotic failure as a parent he was my father was the best man he knew how to be at that point.That is all you can ask of anyone.I'm sure your boyfriends visit with his mum will yield a similar result if he can let the past go and realise he has a great future if he lets himself enjoy it.

[zekethegeek]

to noxlumos- thank you for sharing so openly- the part of what you said that stands out to me first is the relationship you found with your current wife- i want to be that for him so much- i always did- i have to say that he was verbally and emotionally abusive from the beginning- i tried to leave many times, which i now realize only made him angrier-i have always tried to open up discussion about what he is so displeased with in me- and granted.... i mean it very much so when i say i am not perfect. but my plan for us was to help eachother with our struggles, not make them harder. because we are so similar, i felt we could share the wisdom we've gathered so far to lift eachother up- i do not deserve the emotional and verbal attcks by him, but i know that i can be frustrating- it is mostly my similarities with him that anger him the most- no surprise there- social anxiety, awkwardness, low self-esteem- these are not thing to attack someone about- we are both big flirts and with our lack of security in ourselves, that proves to be a big source of arguments and anger- my dad abused my mother and my two siblings and i for 11 years and then cheated on my mother. i have some fears that the same thing will happen to me especially because my boyfriend was already covering the first fear by being emotionally abusive and also lying about it and/or denying it- i confided this all in him and still he continued and then became physically abusive- just writing all the out right now my gut is screaming at me to let him go- but he is improving and it means the world to him and to me to not just get through this, but to get through this together and live our lives together, though that could change for him if i can't change my habit of jealousy and being suspiscious that he'll cheat on me-

[noxlumos]

hi again, yeah well one of the hardest parts of anything like this is not to subconsciously recreate patterns that you are familar with such as rows and anger. It's actually a habit as much as anything. I really didn't know how to feel valued and happy so I was very uncomfortable with it and resisted it tremendously at first prefering instead to convince myself that she didn't really love me etc and trying to make that true.Very, very fortunately for me she was having none of it and put up with a hell of a lot in the first year or so of us being together.If you are both determined enough and honest enough both with yourselves and each other miracles are possible.Forgive yourselves your weaknesses too like the jealousy and at all times keep your lines of communication open and you'll not go far wrong. I hope it all works out for the both of you and I'm sure it will.