Estranged Children

[Matheous-2]

Any ABrs have estranged children (grown adults) like me?
How do you cope?....I have two not seen since my Mothers funeral about 14years ago plus another who parted company with me much more recently. They are now 42, 40 and 26yrs of age and split with me when I divorced their Mum 1991.....I am happily re-married, but I still miss them,& it hurts....
I wonder if they will ever forgive me enough to see me again and hopefully rebuild a relationship.
What are your experiences like if similar?

[saintpeter48]

I have 2 grown up children that have chosen not to have anything to do with me, I have contacted them both but was told in no uncertain terms not to bother them again. That is their choice and I respect it, there's nothing more to do, they know where I am and can make contact anytime if they choose. I made my mind up that I wasn't going to let it eat away at me. So my advice would be, try to put it at the back of your mind and get on with your life, if in the future they want to make contact, fine, if not, shelve it and move on!

[soapnumpty]

I haven't been in your situation but I did lose my Dad at a young age so I know what it is like to grow up without a Dad. I dont know what went on in your situation but maybe they are waiting for you to get in contact. I think it is always seen as the parent's job to make the effort in these sort of situations so why not try writing to them if you know where they are? Tell them that you love them, miss them and are sorry (if you have anything to be sorry for). Life really is too short to hold grudges and you dont want to leave it too late and then regret not trying. Good luck.

[jennyjoan]

Soapnumpty - I too think that parents should get in contact - unfortunately in the case of my friends who practically reared their grandchildren - their son and daughter-in-law now refuse contact and of course my friends are so very hurt. They truly gave their grandkiddies a fantastic time. Now, after 5 years in my opinion there is far too much water/hurt under the bridge it can never be undone or solved, particularly daughter-in-law is very determined to keep it up.

[tamborine]

sis kept kids when divorced 5y ago. Eldest brought father back into fold at his wedding last month. Lovely to see my ex BIL again.

[vakayu]

I can only sympathise with you Matheous,I know from experience how hurt you must feel but you cannot let it ruin your life,as you say you are now happily remarried so do not let their stubborness spoil what you have.If you have tried to make contact and told they are not interested,you will just have to accept that and move on which is not easy I know and unfortunately gets worse the older you get,life is far too short you have tried there is nothing further to do!

[Matheous-2]

Thank you all.
Having no tears left to cry, I can only put these things at the back of my mind and keep a little corner in my heart for them.....I will always love them, unconditionally.....

[anneasquith]

mat. did you leave your family for another relationship ?

[Matheous-2]

Yes, but things were on the rocks before that....

[pixie373]

I'm sorry, matheous. A difficult situation. I think i would also write to them once more, explain everything, without criticising their mum. They are old enough to understand and hopefully mature enough to realise that people don't always do what you want them to. It must be worth one more go.
to answer your question, too, my dad was an alcoholic who had many affairs. My mum was always careful not to criticise him though for our sakes (maybe you should speak to your ex too?). In spite of me and my sister trying to keep in touch, he seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth and has only met most of his grandchildren once.
Give it one more go. Good luck xx

[Matheous-2]

Pixie373, Unfortunately, their addresses are veiled in secrecy, although i believe I could phone their mum and converse without any malice. I have never critiscised her since the divorce, but she will not reveal their whereabouts....

I think it's best forgotten, they can easily contact me, although after all this time,it's not happening anytime soon

[pixie373]

Would she pass on your letters herself? It might be something you need to accept, but as it is obviously on your mind, i would be tempted to try once more.

[Matheous-2]

Pixie ~ I will give that some thought as my eldest daughter used to tear up my Xmas cards.....

[vakayu]

How very hurtful for you Matheous,not exactly very encouraging but as pixie suggests might be worth one more go,I often wonder god forbid if a similar situation should arise in their own family would it make them reconsider their thoughts and emotions,as to how they have made their own parens feel?

[Matheous-2]

Thanks to all for your input and thoughtful suggestions, some of which I might take on board. If ever, I achieve a reunion, I will post AB, but I think that's doubtful....

[murraymints]

So sad for you mat...my oh has a daughter of 27 who hasn't spoken to him from 14 ....poisoned by her mother...but better off that she keeps her distance as she spews venom and lies to all and sundry....only adds to hurt..but..one day she'll realise how wrong she is and how badly she's behaved..but..I won't forgive or forget ...even if her father does !

[BlueToffee]

I feel for you Mat and can't imagine what you must be going through.

My son in law, with whom I get on particularly well, is in a similar situation. He has no contact with his father, his sister has no contact with her mother and his father had no contact with his mother and has no contact with his brother.

I wish you well for the future and hope that one day they will come back into the family fold.

[anneasquith]

im sorry , I don't wish to sound harsh, but if mat left his family for another relationship surely his children have a right to be angry/disappointed with him. were these ( now grown up ) children left to be cared for by a lone parent. did they suffer any hardship financially/emotionally ? were steps made at the initial stages of the breakup of the relationship to maintain contact with the children, ?

[sherrardk]

Whilst every situation is different I can see it from the other side. I am estranged child, my parents divorced when I was six and my father made scant effort to keep in touch. He paid maintenance and visited at Christmas and on birthdays (he lived in the same twn so it wasn't a big effort). As an adult I decided not to speak to him anymore as he wasn't bothered when I was child. I have no desire to have him in my life and feel it's his loss as he has never met his lovely grandchildren.

[anneasquith]

I agree with you totally sher. just think all the happiness he has missed, like you I feel sorry for him,

[fairycakes69]

I've not seen my dad for 24 years, parents split as soon as I left home, dad was always having affairs. He did send guilt money at Christmas, but I would send it back, I did write him a letter 5 years on asking if we could be friends, never heard a word. My eldest got in touch with him when she was 16, he got his other daughter to write back. But he has never tried to make contact with me. His loss, we have 5 grown up kids and grandchild number 5 on the way, I'm not sure what I would do if he got back in touch, but to be honest a letter explaining would be nice.
I would write a letter and see what happens, least then you have tried, as we get older we see life in a different light.