Opinions Please - Very Stressed... Money Issues

[kat2206]

We're getting married next year... and just need some honest advice on what to do please -

Just want some advice, am feeling so damn low I have been working my a$$ off to get my monthly bonuses (£500 per month on top of salary) to help pay for the wedding, my OH doesn't earn as much as me of which I understand but I'm spending all my free money (given up fags and don't drink anyway) to keep my spending down so it can all go on the bloody wedding...

Oh, and I pay for most of the household bills and groceries too, he pays for the electric and water...

I know I'm better with money than he is, I budget for everything as soon as I get paid and have a spreadsheet so I can tick bills off as they go out of my account (we have separate accounts) but as soon as I mention money he just clams up, he is *** with money and it just burns a hole in his pocket and then he's skint toward his payday..

I was doing the household filing this afternoon and found one of my OH bank statements... his direct debits come to around £200 (I wish) so he has over £700 to himself each month... I've hardly seen any of it and I'm just so angry I cant even talk to him at the moment... What do I do?

We've only got about £3,000 left to pay on the wedding but that's just not the point, I feel so let down and quite frankly a little cross too.

[DTCwordfan]

Fingers crossed.

[kat2206]

Well, that went well... he shouted "alright" whilst throwing his hands in the air... now I'm upset :'( and going to bed... night all and thank you so much for your advice x

[Peaspeculiars]

It is a tricky one Kat, but it must be discussed if it is winding you up like this. Maybe he finds it difficult to talk about as he feels anxious that you are earning more than him, or perhaps he has been berated about his finances before and doesn't want your relationship to end up being full of arguments about money - but if an argument is about to ensue because he isn't communicating, then it's going to have to be discussed whether he likes it or not.
Just try and keep calm (yes, apologies, I'm not trying to teach you to suck eggs here) and see what is going on in his head when it comes to money.
£700 can be easily spent in a month if a person doesn't keep track of where their cash is going, so maybe he could use a copy of your tracking spreadsheet (if you use one) - it is quite an eye opener to see your spends in black and white and he will probably find it helpful (if he is withdrawing cash to spend rather than pay by card, he may not remember where it is all going each month as a little each day soon will add up to the £700).
But I would definitely go gently when asking the question on possible out-standing debts.
All the best

[kat2206]

Hi Maggie, no children with him, my children are all grown and left home and the house is in my name... god, that sounds so mercenary... sorry.

[Jeza]

IMO There are 3 reasons where his money is going.
1 Debts.
2 Gambling.
3 Another woman.

This really does need sorting BEFORE you get married.

[Dizmo]

Reading that lot has brought back far to memories of my marriage. Jeza you forgot 4. Alcohol.

[Jeza]

Maybe Diz, but surely she'd know id he was drinking.

[EDDIE51]

Kat, sorry but as has been said people very seldom change in habits like spending. If he is a spendthrift now he will continue to be once you are married.
Do you know what he spends it on? is it drink, going out with his mates?
Buying things that he does not really need? If you can work out where it is going you are in a better position to try to get him to work things out. But I just think he is used spending his own money on what ever he likes.

[Dizmo]

Jeza: I don't know. You'd be surprised. After my marriage broke down I spent over £100 a week on alcohol and no one in the family knew I was drinking and I was living there 24/7. £100 was at a shop, not in a pub. I've been there (not proud of it) and know it is easy to spend a serious amount of money behind a bar and no one know. I hope it isn't for Kat's partner - she seems like a decent honest person who shouldn't have to be worrying about this.

[janbee]

Either downsize your wedding plans and have a register office ceremony or call it off altogether. If it were me, I'd go for the latter.
Good luck with whatever you choose. Marriage is like overtaking... i.e. if in doubt, DON'T !!

[ummmm]

I'm useless with money and that determines our roles in the relationship. He's really good with money. He makes sure I've always got enough cash to never go without but only leaves me the bank card if I have to pay for something biggish (yesterday it was a vet bill) I'm happy with the set up.

[Maydup]

Hope you are Ok this morning Kat. Perhaps it needs a deep breath and a change of tactic now.

Firstly wait until you are less cross about this to talk to him about it again.

Then find a way to ask him to help you with the a solution that suits you both. Stop telling him off if you can, its worth a try.

You know you earn more and are better organised than he is and unfortunately it can make the other person feel even more useless - I know it happens to me. Too flippin organised for my own good that I sometimes make him feel unecessary!

We have a joint account into which we pay a set amount each month. My set amount is more than his but thats fine, the main thing is that I get to manage the joint account and ALL bills come out of it. Car Taxes, utilities everything.

Once done you can increase the amounts a little each year to cover inflation or to save for a holiday. It's the getting there that needs care.

Be kind to yourselves, this should be the making of you both not the end of your relationship before its really started. Good luck.

[cazzz1975]

If he is the person who wants the big do, then he should be a bit more transparent and helpful about his money, personally I agree with BOO.

If you are going to be married, bear in mind his tantrums when dealing with 'grown up stuff' are part of the deal.

[grasscarp]

Are you sure you want to marry him?

[kloofnek]

As others have said,it does not bode well for an harmonious marriage...my husband was the same...would never discuss anything...about anything!!!
Always ended up in a slanging match and me ending up in tears and him walking out or going to bed all self=righteous..

And.."only £3.00 left to pay"...must be a very expensive wedding!!!

Think twice before saying"I DO".

[in a mo]

STOP STOP STOP NOW. If you cannot speak to your partner then what is the point ,I will tell you there is no point at all, From Money, Color of the bathroom ,Sex , or does my bum look big in this, if you cannot speak to your partner there is NO FUTURE .You must speak out ,lay your cards on the table whether you are male or female just do it instigate the conversation. before it is to late and you regret it for the rest of your life.
When Mrs IN A Mo first talked about moving in together etc ,we sat down and had a Frank and Honest discussion about all the things we could think of From slamming doors to Leaving the toilet seat up.
Do It ASAP>

[ummmm]

He's rubbish with money....that doesn't make him a bad person. He could be perfect besides that.

People are too quick with the 'dump him' attitude.

Relationships are give and take. Kat is better with money so maybe she should take charge of the the financial side of the relationship. Maybe he's tidier and a better cook. Swings and roundabouts.