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The Royal Navy Announcement.
The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45's which will be 100% compliant.
Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each they comply with the very latest employment,equality, health and safety and human rights laws.
The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.
The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only work a maximum of 37 hours per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime. All ships will be equiped with a maternity ward, a creche and a gay disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.
The Royal Navy is eager to shed it's traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy (bum) and the lash" so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.
Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".
All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.
Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.
The MOD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marine Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort illegal immigrants to ports on Englands south coast.
The Prime Minister said "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels" His final words were:-
"Britannia waives the rules".
Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each they comply with the very latest employment,equality, health and safety and human rights laws.
The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.
The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only work a maximum of 37 hours per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime. All ships will be equiped with a maternity ward, a creche and a gay disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.
The Royal Navy is eager to shed it's traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy (bum) and the lash" so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.
Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".
All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.
Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.
The MOD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marine Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort illegal immigrants to ports on Englands south coast.
The Prime Minister said "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels" His final words were:-
"Britannia waives the rules".
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