Breast Cancer

[raysparx]

Serious question,my wife had it about 6 years ago and thankfully is ok,but I felt at the time the rest of the family were being ignored,nobody spoke to me or our boys about it,it was as if we didn't exist, luckily we laughed our way through the chemo and the ops,have things changed now ? ie: do they now talk to people about how they feel,just tell me honestly how you are coping or how you did handle it, Cheers all

[dancealot13]

I've had a lot of death and cancer in my family, and you would think we all would know how to deal with it and how to comfort people. But everyone has different needs with situations like this. Often people think "Well, they probably need a release." So in return they talk about trivial things that really you could care less about. They think they're relieving stress for you by not talking about the cancer.

People can't read minds. If you need something from your friends and family,..then you have to tell them. If you don't want to talk about the stupid baseball game thats on in the hospital room..then tell them. If you want to talk about your fears, and your kids fears..then just start talking, because they WILL listen to you.

Often family becomes a bit distant when someone is very ill (terminally ill), and the reason is because people don't know how to act, or communicate. We can't get angry at them though, for not knowing what we want to hear. So you should try leading the conversation, or changing the subject if there is something you would rather talk about. And if you just need silence, but you still want everyone there,..then tell them that too.

Your family wasn't ignoring you when your wife was sick. They were protecting you from hurting. They wanted to be as positive as they could, and one way of being positive is ignoring the worst possible outcome. So they don't talk about it, and pretend it doesn't exist when they are in your company.

Hoped that helped a bit. xxcheers

[raysparx]

you are right, dancealot, but it isn't just family it was also the doctors etc, I hope they talk to people more now than they did then, thanks for your honesty.

[WendyS]

People still don't know how to deal with cancer, do they? Because it sometimes stil does prove fatal many individuals feel embarrassed and will do anything to skirt around the topic and avoid it for fear of finding themselves in a situation where they're lost for words, embarrassed or inadequate at dealing with the patient's emotions.

After having been exposed to it enough times with friends and relatives, I now find the best approach when somebody tells me they've been diagnosed with cancer is to say how sorry I am and ask them if they feel it would help them to talk about it either now, or later other time when they've had time to adjust to the knowledge. Perhaps they might not be ready at that particular point, but I think it's important to offer the invitation so that if they need somebody to talk to later, they know you're not uncomfortable at dealing with it.

A friend dying of terminal cancer once said to me "Everybody talks to you about the possibility of continuing to live. Nobody ever has the guts to talk about what it's going to be like to die." I've always remembered those words and now try to put myself in the sufferer's place and give them the chance to "open up" if they want to talk about it. It takes courage to deal with the situation like this but it's a darned sight easier for the listener than the patient, and that should be the person whose needs should be paramount.

[malaise]

Hi raysparx. My Mum has cancer, and has done for over 5 years. We don't speak about it, and nothing has EVER been said to anyone else in my family about it, despite the fact that I regularly attend her oncology clinic with her. I was once offered genetic counselling as my Dad's had cancer as well, but I'm not too bothered about whether or not I get it. I just want my Mum to be OK. x

[raysparx]

You are so right wendy, malaise, please,please please speak, you have to let your feelings be known, promise me you will, I do hope your mum pulls through, I am sure if she stays positive it will help, people are frightened to say Cancer, my wife remained 100% positive, and talked non stop, take care and good luck with your mum, Ray xxx

[malaise]

Thanks Ray.

She's being cared for by Macmillan nurses and the Prince of Wales hospice now. Unfortunately I think she's ran out of positivity, as have I.

I'm glad your wife's OK now. I don't think most people understand the bravery of people who've fought cancer. xxx