Social Services, Baby And Committing To Help Dilemma.

[Jenarry]

What would you do? I'm really torn.
my brother has a 7 mnth old baby & worries about the mum means social services have been involved with them & the baby since she was pregnant.
She has finished the relationship with my brother and although they were living together he has moved out & she is now saying she doesn't even want him to come to her flat to visit their son.
My brother hasn't got a place of his own & has ended up staying at a couple of different houses...nowhere suitable to take baby I don't think.
As the ss were talking of taking the baby off them as soon as baby was born ,me & my parents ended up pretty much cornered by the social services with giving support to them .my mum & dad had them staying with them from coming out of hospital for 6 long weeks until social services allowed them to return to their flat .
Then myself & my parents had committed ourselves to going around to check on everything & to offer support . I've been going around every Tuesday on my only day off ,my mum on Thursdays & we alternate weekends. This has been going on since January.
We went to a ss meeting on Tuesday & they have decided to keep baby on the at risk register for another 6 months & we have to go to a family meeting next Tuesday to review the support we give. It sounds to me that they want my brother to have his access with baby at our houses . with me on the Tuesday and my parents at the weekend. :( they are probably going to get us to commit to more than we want to.
we are all a bit fed up of it to be honest. we have disrupted our lives all because of this sorry mess my brother has got himself into.
I have a full time job, a husband ,a 9 yr old son with health needs & i have just found out I'm pregnant after losing a baby last sept & i really want to concentrate on my family & I know my and dad have become quite stressed with it all.
They have done so much for my brother,mum and baby from putting them up ,to going to pretty much every social services meeting(and there has been a lot) ,bought things for baby. When there was a problem in april my mum and dad even took on the baby themselves for a week at the request of the social services & all the mum does is act like they are interfering and their relationship has become quite strained.
We dont want to be the reason that my brother doesn't see his baby & we want to look out for baby's welfare still but I think we all want our lives back to normal too. I'm dreading the meeting on Tuesday. The social workers involved have real tunnel vision & the emphasis is all about mum & having us all running around after her. they are really pandering to her. when we bought up some concerns on tuesday they didn't even want to listen to us and practically called us liars. :(

[Mamyalynne]

If it is all becoming too much (as it sounds from your post) - then you have to say so.

As much as you feel for your brother and this baby, there is only so much you can commit to this situation without a knock on effect to your own family.

[Jenarry]

Thankyou mamyalynne. I think for own well being we need to take a step back from it all. we have some thinking to do before tuesday.

[baza]

Time to stand back and consider your own family, put yourself first, you will be no good to anyone if you are burnt out.

[cassa333]

I sympathise completely with what you are saying but you have to be strong in your resolve, whatever that may be.

SS will inevitably find the easiest route to keeping mother and baby together for a number of reasons. One of which is that it is cheaper to get other family (and sometimes friends) to play a role in the care and supervision of mother and baby. By you giving x support she does not qualify for y support from SS. By threatening to potentially withdraw that support may force SS into action at some point.

They will try to emotionally blackmail you to continue or increase your support because even though it is you that is giving your time, effort and energy, they will tick a box that they have given the right support for them to be able to step away.

If after another six months of of your support there is no deteriation in care then they will possibly take the family off the atriak register and it will be up to you to do everything for them. Do you want to do that?

Quite frankly if SS want your son to have visitation with his baby and he has no proper accomodation then they should be helping him find it. Not 'force' you to take them both on (another tick in a box of 'how they have fulfilled their obligations')

Personally I would take a step back and make your son take more,responsibility. Support him and he will be able to support the baby perhaps!!

Whatever you decide to do you must think of your own family needs first.

[woofgang]

"we are all a bit fed up of it to be honest. we have disrupted our lives all because of this sorry mess my brother has got himself into.
I have a full time job, a husband ,a 9 yr old son with health needs & i have just found out I'm pregnant after losing a baby last sept & i really want to concentrate on my family & I know my and dad have become quite stressed with it all.
They have done so much for my brother,mum and baby from putting them up ,to going to pretty much every social services meeting(and there has been a lot) ,bought things for baby. When there was a problem in april my mum and dad even took on the baby themselves for a week at the request of the social services & all the mum does is act like they are interfering and their relationship has become quite strained.
We dont want to be the reason that my brother doesn't see his baby & we want to look out for baby's welfare still but I think we all want our lives back to normal too.

I think you have nailed it with this statement. If you feel that you are going to be railroaded by the social workers then can I suggest that you print this off, take it into the meeting, say you have agreed a statement together with your parents, read it out to them and then give them a copy?
I wonder what would be happening if you and your parents lived in Australia?

[Jenarry]

Thanks everyone. It's helped to clarify things for me.What happens in Australia woofgang?...
Ideally the social services should be offering at least a little bit of support to my brother,especially as they have done so much for the mum.
They have put her thru tests to see if she has learning disabilities,they've arranged for her to have counselling with regards something in her history,they've had someone allocated to her from the council to help with her finances and a huge debt that she has racked up and they have got someone to help her to learn to read (even though I've heard her read and she hasn't got any problem if you ask me-my brother has bigger issues in this area)and she absolutely loves it . It's almost as if baby is an afterthought and it's all about her-and absolutely no help being offered to my brother for parenting classes ,help to read or in finding a job or a place for himself. He's done everything the social workers have asked of him all this time and now it's like he may as well beggar off:(
If they helped him to find a place then that will be problem solved -he can have access at his house.

[bednobs]

oh dear jenarry, from your previous posts i think you realised it was very easy to see this coming. You should not have to clear up your brother's messes, and his commitment to this new family have caused a rift between you and his previous family i think too?
You should think of you and your family now and not feel responsible for his

[Jenarry]

It sure has bedknobs. I haven't seen my lovely niece since last September. I couldn't love her more if she was my own daughter but now I'm not allowed to see her . :(

[woofgang]

What I meant jenarry was if you and your Mum and Dad and your partner and your littly were all in Australia, then what would UK social services do then to sort out your brother and his girlfriend's problems? You couldn't pop round, take the baby, provide support or do any of that stuff......

[anneasquith]

jen. I have been following your posts re your brothers situation, what a mess. why can't your brother get accommodation for himself ? prior to the meeting with SS you/parents/brother must meet and decide what you wish to say to SS. I hope you keep us informed , congratulations on your pregnancy,

[Jenarry]

silly me woofgang. I see what you mean. It certainly seems that the more we do the less the ss workers have to do has been the theme all along. And then when they wouldn't even listen to our concerns with regards the baby it all seems such a report filling,going thru the motions exercise. :( very sad.

[Jenarry]

Ah thankyou Anne. :)
He seems to have gone back to old habits and lifestyle but hopefully he will find it in himself to get his act together,get a place and have baby there whenever he can. Hopefully.

[Jenarry]

Well we had the meeting today and it wasn't so bad.
They were listening more to us and especially my brother who has seemed to be left at the wayside for most of this process.
The ss weren't pushing us into anything. I suggested having my brother over for the whole day once a month on 1st Tuesday of the month and my parents have agreed to have my bro and baby for one weekend a month in middle of month.
And the rest is down to my brother . he has agreed to see baby at least every sat morning.
They have also agreed that the original family plan(us visiting mum and baby 3 times a week between us) was no longer relevant and we can visit on a more casual basis. I also asked if my parents really needed to go to every ss meeting and the key worker agreed it was no longer a necessity and they can attend if they want to but are not obliged to.
So lets see how it goes now and see if brother sticks to arrangements. It does all seem a bit farcical though as this was all because the mum doesn't want my brother to go to her flat to see baby and yet he told me and my mum after the meeting that he was around hers yesterday and last night. :/ :/ I don't know whether it's to do with benefit money that she has a stronger case that she is a single parent and more money if she is saying that she refuses to have brother there . I don't understand.

[woofgang]

Glad things are getting sorted for you all. I suspect you are right about why she wants to be seeming to keep your bro out of the flat...she needs to be careful that she doesn't tumble into fraud though....