Father Issues

[ukanonymous]

My dad lives a lone and has done most of his older life. He hates everyone really and trusts no one. Anyway he has 3 other sons/ daughter but fallen out with them claiming they are evil and bad and done him out of money etc. anyway he has always said he will leave everything to me. About 6 years ago he moved to France and he repeatedly said that if anything happens to him what he has gets equally divided up between his kids. I usually visit him around 1-2 times per year and once he said next time I visit he will put everything in my name. this never happened but he constantly keeps telling me everything is for me but if anything happens to him because of French law it gets divided up between all his kids.

Anyway He is getting very ill lately and I offered he could come and live at my place I have in Spain (where I am currently based) and he said he will go back to England as he doesn't want to go in an old peoples home in France. He even said if his pain continues he will top himself.

He also started saying again that if anything happens what he has will be divided up between all his kids.

I am starting to get really angry at this. I am to the limit of caring and insulted. By him saying everything is for me must be some kind of golden carrot to make me pay attention to him or something. This seams more true the fact he says he will transfer to me and then just forgot everything.

Personally I would never even have thought about inheritance if he hadn't constantly banged on about it playing with my mind all the time.

I am sick of him talking about it. the last time I spoke to him he put his fingers against his head and made a gun shooting noise saying 'if my pain stays like this' and then started complaining to ME that if he dies everything will get shared out.

I can't bear to speak with him anymore he really has just started to make my skin crawl now. To think I am motivated by his inheritance insults me and for him to believe this is my motive just is crazy. Why would you give everything to someone who is just after your money? And he must think this otherwise he would never tell me every 2 minutes everything is for me.

The situation is horrible and I don't want to see him again. Am I wrong for this? I would sit down and talk to him but trust me he is not the sort of person to talk to. His thoughts and personal business arre not to be discussed and he is allowed to make false promises and let people down as that is what he has done since I was a child. Yet in his eyes he is perfect. What is this person really about? Is there any normal good person in there?

[jomifl]

Prudie, if you are resident in France then you have to pay tax in France and follow French inheritance law. I live in France and pay tax on my British pensions in France. When I made a will in France the notaire who made the will said that there is no way not to follow French inheritance law. French income tax is low compared to the UK but death taxes are eye watering ...but then you are dead so why worry.

[Khandro]

I think the truth is, that if he hasn't made a will, most of his estate will end up being trousered by French lawyers.

[jomifl]

Khandro, French lawyers have quite rigid scales of charges, they don't have quite the same freedoms as British lawyers.

[Retrochic]

my children inherited substantial amounts of money from a French Relative a couple of years ago -one living in Quebec had to pay 30% Tax to the French Government -the others resident in UK and Euro countries paid 18%.

[DaisyNonna]

Yes I do realise that parents can an do cause a great deal of grief and pain for some people. In order to exist we must have been born and had parents.
Be thankful for your life. Live it to the best of your ability, on your terms, forget the money, ignore his promises. He sounds frightened and lonely.

That does not excuse his behaviour but may partly explain it.

Promises are all too often made to be broken. If they have been made before and broken why expect anything to change?
Only you can decide what to do.
You can completely ignore his existence or keep an eye on his physical and mental heath from a distance.
Do not allow his shortcomings to influence your reactions.

[david small]

Been there. Promises, lie's, deceitful, suspicious, manipulative. All experienced.
Bitter father of my wife led us a merry dance for years. Sad not being able to receive love without thinking of ulterior motive's. Turned out eventually to be a tissue of lie's. Don't Play his game...this way lie's madness. There is no solution, but to tolerate or walk.

[Khandro]

jomifl; I'm not talking about the rates charged, I'm saying that if he dies intestate, no matter where you are, and particularly if there are several claimants, there will be a seemingly endless process started, every letter, email and phone call will be logged and be paid for from the estate to a wide variety of solicitors.
I've seen it happen in France, and I'm undergoing it myself - for 2 years- in the UK.

[jomifl]

Khandro, my brother died intestate about 5 years ago, most of the legal processes were dealt with via email and I only had to be in the UK in person to swear an oath which was opportunistically arranged in half a in hour when I was passing the solicitors office. The costs were surprisingly low, less than 0.5% of the value of the estate.

[Khandro]

jomifl; I wish I was so lucky. I am main beneficiary to the estate of a distant aunt I had never even heard of, via my mother's lineage. I'll avoid details, but the lawyers just proving I am beneficiary has been huge, and one seemingly tiny aspect that the only extant copy of my mothers will is a photocopy! ..... and it goes on and on.

[lcg]

either talk to him or don't - the choice is quite simple. money is irrelevant.....i got fed up with my family taking the p*** and just stopped talking to them/taking their calls. that was 17 years ago, and my life has been very lovely and quiet since. you do not need others to tell you what to do - you are an adult and quite capable of making up your own mind. you either continue talking to him and engaging in his games, or ignore him/tell him to get stuffed. i think people who continually go back for more like the drama. for me, it made me stressed and depressed, so i simply stopped going back for more.

[jennyjoan]

A friend of mine has just died and she has 1 sister and 4 nieces and nephews. She never spoke to them for 30 years (by the way she was never married either) anyway she left to a Scottish cousin she met once and left him £75,000.

[jennyjoan]

If you have lived without his money all these years you can live without it the rest of your years. Let it pan it out. probably to nothing.

[ukanonymous]

Had a long talk and now we are both selling up and buying a bigger place together. We will see how that goes!

[bednobs]

???? 2 days ago you never wanted to see him again!!!

[Retrochic]

you know what they say 'where there's a Will there's a way' ;-)