15 yr old son...........moved out!

[nik1971]

help!!!

my 15 yr old son....soon to be 16. has in effect moved out to live with his girlfriend and her parents. im really unhappy with the situation but at the same time feel a release as i have struggled for ten years since his father left to keep him on the right path and had much success until the teenage years hit hard.and for the past 2/3 years have had constant battles and stuggles to help him be the lovely person he really is. the main problem is that his g/friends parents are letting him do all the things that i have struggled so hard to stop him doing.....i.e roaming the streets till late,smoking in the house,sleeping with his 16yr old g/friend etc.... and as a result with all that given to you on a plate what 15 yr old lad wouldnt want to move out of a house where clear boudaries are set?! there is a history of violence with my son,the most recent being smashing my brand new cars windscreen and denting the front. bonnet. i love my son deeply but am respecting his decision to leave as i know in my heart i have done all i can,but what i would like to know if anyone can tell me if there is a legal amount of money that i should be paying for him each week? i am transerring his family allowance into his account each week for him to distribute as he sees fit for his upkeep but dont want to provide his g/friends parents with any as they have taken him on on there own esteem with no acceptance from me. thanks.

[suzi-q]

Hi Nik

Cant really give you any advice, just to say I feel for you. I've got a 16 year old son - they are not really mature enough (or mine isn't) to fend for themselves whatever they think.

Maybe after a short time with the other family he will realise that the grass isnt always greener.

Also maybe, if you don't pay the other parents they will soon tire of their new lodger and he will be coming home to you, hopefully a more grown up young man.

Good luck anyway. xx

[SaxyJag]

I think you've made the right decision in letting him go. You'd have probably gone on to the point where the two of you felt nothing but irrepairable hatred for one another. As it is, at least you're still on reasonably good terms.

Do you suppose the family are waiting for you to offer money for his upkeep? You could offer to talk it over with them, on a parent-to-parent basis, without actually offering them a definite sum (given he's getting his own child benefit).

Until he's 16, in some cases 18, he has to have an adult who will take legal responsibility for him. I think it would pay you to discuss all this with the family so that you're all clear where you stand. For instance, what if he gets arrested or becomes seriously ill or has an accident?

[madham]

I was going to agree with suzi-q and wait till they see the other side of the coin, also it must also be costing a fortune to feed a growing 16 year old, give him his allowance as you have been but I wouldn't help with their costs as they are being irresponsible by allowing them to co-habit

On the other hand though I would also encourage safe sex (if you think they are having sex), as opposed to telling him not to, as you don't want him calling to say she is pregnant.

I would try to support his decision, so when the time is right for him to return home and it will be sooner or later, you have a good relationship to start over.

I think he is lucky to have you as his Mum and good luck whatever you decide to do.

[sense4all]

All of the above , and I know two families this has happened to, and after a year or two ( one is a slower learner than the other! ) normal relations have been resumed and they have both returned home. I would make a few discreet enquiries of my own to find out the legalities of this situation though. The ones I know were only just sixteen when they left....... but I do think it makes a legal difference.

[nik1971]

thank you all for your answers,really appreciated.

i think you all have valid and usefull points.particually encorouging safe sex.ive instilled this in both my kiddies and hope they remember it! i dont wish to be a 34yr old granma!

i have made the decision not to offer any money to the parents as they have taken my son in against my wishes and under their own esteem so other than my sons family allowance they wont get a penny out of me.

im confident that they will soon tire of my son as hes a 6ft 2 growing lad and i know how much he eats!

unfortunatly it all still hurts very deeply that my eldest son has chosen to live with a family that has such low standards and no morals. i just hope that he realises that i have done all i can for him and given the best start in life that i could.

as for the girls parents...........well as a respectable childminder i cant really say what i wish to about them without tarnishing my reputation!

many thanks all. nik.x

[nik1971]

thanks sense4all,

comforting to know im not the only one!

have made legal enquiries today,but havent turned up with anything i didnt already know so i think im doing the right thing.

also had a police friend of mine run a check on the family today so i know if my sons living in a drug den! luckily the check came back ok!

[noxlumos]

nik, why don't you invite your son round to your house to discuss why he feels bad enough to want to move out. Whilst I appreciate that everyone has different standards you do seem a bit disparaging about his girfriends family and if you've given off these vibes to him then he's probably got the hump and is behaving in a protective manner to her (and them).People's opinion of you obviously matters a great deal to you, perhaps these people don't have that constraint and perhaps your son, whose at a very stressy age, feels a little more relaxed there.

We have no rules in our house for our children as I believe to have very firm boundaries inhibits a child's leadership abilitites and their ability to develop into the person that they should truly be, and if any of the children wanted to smoke then I would discuss the wiseness of that but not stop them. Thankfully, the methods that we use also involve thinking for yourself from a very early age and all of my children loathe smoking as a result of that. Some have had girlfriend's/boyfriend over to stop and I've had no issue with that as long as they practice safe sex but I don't think my family has low standards nor do I consider us to have no morals, quite the reverse, I'm very concerned about the type of adults that my children grow into hence my parenting techniques are somewhat unusual/unconventional. Seems to me you might be imposing your own view of what is correct onto your son and as a result he feels he's not on the same wavelength at the moment and getting angry and destructive due to frustration, so try and keep communication open with him, as it's obvious you love him very much and hope that he responds once the pressure is off.

[nik1971]

nox.thanks for your opinion, i feel i must put a few things straight for you though...... firstly i couldnt give a rats arse what people think of me as a person but i do care about my childcare buisness a great deal as this is what has provided myself and my children with the lifestyle we lead over the past ten years since their father left.

secondly,do you really assume that i havent already tried every avenue with my son,i.e inviting him round for tea?

and nox my house unlike yours does have rules and boundaries, not strict or unreasonably ones but they are there for a reason. i deteast the fact that my son amokes because i have encouraged him since a very early age that this is bad for your health and your finances, he has chosen to smoke at the age of 15 and smokes at the top of my garden when there are no young children around.

neither of my children have any pressure on them from any angle of their life,we are an open close family that have always discuused anything that some teenage boys would not dare discuss with their mum!

nox,you chose to have your childrens boyfriend/girlfriends sleep over and that is your way, unfortunatly i dont agree with illegal sex and my son is only 15.

oh and for the record my son has been with his girfriend 2 weeks,ive never met the parents or indeed the girl so how would i put my views about them onto my son when i havent seen him for over a week?

[noxlumos]

nik, I appear to have offended you, not the intention at all, so I'll refrain from offering any further advice on this topic, as I'd not wish to offend you further. Hope everything works out ok for you both.