Coming Clean

[anaxcrosswords]

I’ve been a bit off over the past week or so, thankfully not to the extent that I’ve vented anything unpleasant on posts here. But I’ve found it so difficult to keep everything bottled up I’d just like to explain a little.
Please – I’m not asking for advice. I just want people to know what lies behind any posts where I appear less than on form.
A fortnight ago (it’ll be a fortnight by tomorrow anyway) I sent a text to my 16-y-o daughter asking what time to collect her and a friend as we planned to spend 3 or 4 just bumming around, doing musical stuff, shopping etc etc. There was no reply so I guessed she was out of credit. I texted her mum who came back to say “She’s just ignoring you apparently”. This was completely out of the blue, no precedent, no possible reason I can think of, and we’ve always been really close.
I tried to get information from her mum but calls, texts and emails have been ignored. All attempts at direct/indirect contact have failed.
So the truth is I’m a bit of a mess, a mix of bewilderment and crushing loss. The most awkward thing is my mum arrives from overseas to spend 10 days here from the beginning of next week, and seeing my daughter should be a given.
My mum is on FB (I’ve deactivated my account) and exchanged some messages with my daughter. Apparently her exam results weren’t as good as she expected and she’s having to concentrate on work. It doesn’t ring true – it’s certainly not a reason to utterly blank your dad.

Like I said, no need for advice here, which is why I’ve not posted it in ‘Family’. I just wanted to clear the air - for therapy and in case any of what I say on AB appears out of character.

[Lie-in King]

No advice, just a reminder - she's 16 & has cryptic genes... :-)

[Mamyalynne]

There is only time will sort this,two daughters myself so I know the sort of emotions and angst they can unwittingly cause.

Her head is crammed with all sorts just now, if you can simply get a brief 'I'm here when you're ready' message to her then do - and wait.


It's hard, take care.

[murraymints]

I would be very upset and wonder why the mum is also ignoring you...I wonder if something has happened they want to keep from you ?

[rockyracoon]

Who knows what goes through the head of a 16 year old girl.

If this wasn't you, I'm sorry. But did you ever embark on a relationship with the mum of your daughter's friend? If so, you may have your answer there.

[anaxcrosswords]

No, nothing ever came of that and I never made any approaches. It turned out she was just being nice!

[ummmm]

Something's happened.

[scorpiojo]

Has your mum arranged to see her?

[anaxcrosswords]

I don’t know what their convo was on FB but my mum told me on the phone that she mentioned seeing my daughter, but there was no reply.

[jourdain2]

Like Ummmm, something's happened. She just wants to curl up and nest. Time will help, it's just bad that your mum is due soon. It may be that she feels she's let you down over her exam results. I have 2 daughters, the 2nd has always been tempestuous and I still tread carefully, but I have the sort of relationship I never thought possible (it's taken 15 years). Nothing wrong with clearing the air, getting it all out is good therapy, that's what we're here for! Good luck! :)

[rockyracoon]

I would also say that I think something has happened, it may not be a subject she'd be comfortable telling her dad about.

Once she see's her nan she'll probably be right as rain.

Kids eh! Who'd have em?

[tamborine]

16 + new job = new friends & excitement. Given space, she will settle/get bored & contact you. Congratulate her on her new job & she might tell you all about it.

[anaxcrosswords]

Part of my difficulty now is, of all things, Facebook. I’ve spent these weeks wondering if my decision to deactivate the account was rash, although I did it for what I imagined were good reasons.
The first almost comes across as an excuse. This sudden loss of contact happened only a couple of weeks after we returned from a long holiday in Canada. Had a brilliant time together but I returned to an enormous workload, and FB has always been a distraction as I can’t resist having it open in the background – as soon as a notification symbol appears I feel obliged to open it. Without FB, my output has been amazing, produced far more than I would normally. Like I say, bit of an excuse.
The main thing was feeling that I had to avoid the common FB trap of saying something, thanks to heightened emotion, when it’s better to keep schtum. And to be honest I have on occasion been guilty of that.
Even so, it’s a potential avenue of communication, so I find myself having doubts about something which shouldn’t have that sort of power. Mankind wasn’t doomed to extinction in the days before FB (or maybe it was, but FB wasn’t the rescue).

Noticed your post after typing this, tambo. No, she’s going to 6th form college.

Anyway, just sent a text saying "If you change your mind I'm here".

[Togo]

anax, When she's here ask your mum. She will know. If she doesn't give her the facts and she will have it sorted. Don't be embarrassed that your girl is not there when your mum lands, family life is not 'I know best' it is though, 'we know best'. Your anxiety is pretty obvious just reading your posts, DO NOT LET IT SHOW. When you do let your displeasure take precedence others will always show more. You alone know of whom I refer to. Just be ready to be happy, it always sorts out as long as you let it. Been there.

[Bathsheba]

Only just seen this. So sorry to read you're in distress. I never had any daughters, but I was 16 myself once, and i remember I must have been a nightmare to my parents at times. ;)

I get the feeling that the whole FB thing is causing you to feel a little "left out of the loop". I know you're not asking for advice...but if you were....lol....I would say get back on there + see if you can pick up any clues.

Best of luck,
Baths x x

[anaxcrosswords]

Quick update: Nothing. Reactivated FB but no responses to attempts at contact and my daughter is making her usual posts about other stuff in the usual way.
I’m walking away from this now. Hard to do, but the alternative is continued grief.