Bereaved and struggling

[dumblond]

I lost my brother 4 years ago through suicide and I am having a hard time coping. I try to stay happy for friends and family but am really struggling. When i'm alone I often feel panicky and I have flash backs. I have tried all the usual things like talking to someone and anti depressants but neither agreed with me. Any thoughts?

[WendyS]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Suicide leaves a terrible legacy on those left behind because survivors always ask themselves whether they could have done more to prevent the event when the reality is that they probably couldn't have. Losing a close family member must make it much worse for you but you have done the right thing by talking to somebody and seeking medical help. Just try to accept that it will take time for this grief to work itself out of your system and don't beat yourself up on the bad days. Have you tried talking or e-mailing the Samaritans? They are very used to dealing with those whose lives have been touched by suicide and will understand how you are feeling.

I don't know whether you are a reader but there are two books which might help you to make some sense of what has happened. Your library might be able to order them for you or you can buy them from a bookshop:

"I can't get over it - A handbook for Trauma Survivors by Aphrodite Matsakis, published by New Habringer 1992

"Stronger than Death: When Suicide Touches Your life by Sude Chance, published by Avon, 1994.

[4getmenot]

I am so sorry to hear that. I don�t really know what to say, I cant say you will ever get over it because he was your brother and that is a very special bond indeed. I have lost 3 people I know through suicide. They wernt family just people I knew but even now little things remind me of them. What made it worse is that not one of them left a note and I feel angry that they were so selfish to leave their families behind. Did your brother leave a note that made you understand at least why or isthis adding to your hurt? The books above are a good idea as you have said the anti-depressants don�t work and neither does talking to anyone. I don�t really have anything else to say other than be strong for the rest of your family, some terrible things happen to people in our lives that we have to just be happy that we have the memories of them still.

[smudge]

I am very sorry to hear you are still bereaving for your brother dumblond.

I have suffered with depression after losing loved ones, although their deaths weren't by suicide. That must be really awful for you & anyone else left behind - so many questions going over in your mind.

Although this link isn't particularly about bereavement, I'm sure some of the advice given may be able to help you too.

Take great care & arms around you. -x-

[sam82]

My cousin suffered from Depression and commited suicide when he was 23.

i was more angry than anything, but like you it was 4 years ago. and as i have matured i have made sense of his reasons, our aunt died at the same time of cancer her burial was the day i found his body and i suffered really badly, i hated him for so so long, i cant tell you how i got through it, close family and talking about it, but i understand he was depressed now so i just try to do things in my life that i know that would have made him smile..... as in the end he had forgot how to!

i know its maybe not a remedy but it has made me remember that we only get one life!

[4getmenot]

Oh Sam82, dumblond's story touched me but reading yours and how you found the body. I dont know how I'd have coped with that. Bless you.

[sam82]

i think thats why i was so angry i was only 20 at the time, in i just found his reasons very selfish, but my dad helped me understand about depression and how serious it is!!

life does go on i guess, i just hope he is happy at last!!

[smudge]

Thinking of you sam82 - it must have been an awful time for you & your family too.

[4getmenot]

It is very hard to understand I guess until you are in their shoes, but just a letter surely makes us see it a bit more clearer and why they did it.

[dumblond]

Thank you for all the advice and kind words. Will give the books a try WendyS. I'm so sorry to hear what you went through Sam82. I only saw my brother at hospital after we were told he hadn't survived. I try to focus on the good times as we were really close but sometimes the mind plays cruel tricks. You are in my thoughts.

[sam82]

Things do get easier, i still sometimes second glance peopl in the street, thinking its him!

Have you actually tried a proper councillor or was it just friends and family you spoke to!

Sounds really silly now, but i used to just go and sit in Chapel. gather my thoughts and cry and i didnt have to face anyone, then 1 day i just stopped needing to feel sad!

xx

[dumblond]

Hi sam82,

That happened to me a couple of weeks ago. I could have sworn I saw my brother on a bike. It looked so much like him I was half expecting him to come over and just say "Hey! I'm back!"

It was a proper psychiatric nurse that I was sent to by my G.P. He was awful! It took a lot for me to go as I was an absolute nervous wreck and had just returned to work. The first time was alright then the second time he forgot to turn up until somebody phoned him to remind him! He then cancelled the third as he couldn't get a room to see me in and told me he was taking annual leave so I could make an appointment in two months!

I didn't bother!

I also have places I like to go and think. I think its good for you to relax and reflect once in a while.

Take care and thank you for helping. x

[Belle Fast]

There is a specific organisation for bereavement counciling in some areas of the country CRUSE, I think they are called. They are supposed to be good and I think the councilors have all had their experiences of greif.

You probably know this but just in case, its normal to feel angry at someone who commits suicide and if you do you shouldn't blame yourself. Its also normal for people to blame themselves when someone dies. Hope you are feeling better soon, if not maybe see a psychiatrist or psychotherapist, and if the first one doesn't help, try another as there is alot of variability.

[sam82]

sorry for it taking so long to get back, i agree with belle tho,

Dont judge other counsellors on the one you seen, it can take time to find someone you click with! i know from my experience i didnt want to talk to just any1, i needed to feel that i could trust them, and talk to someone who understood.

Even at his funeral, so many people turned up, i was so angry, where were all these people who called him a friend when he needed them, they all tried to talk to me and offer support, i felt it just made it so much worse. i was lucky enough to be able to talk to my dad about it, as he had went through it b4 when he was young.

but i would say give the counselling another go, say to your GP the problems you had with your first one.

goodluck

xx

[dumblond]

Sorry I haven't posted anything up until now- the computer is broken beyond repair! Hope you are well. Nothing changed here unfortunately. Though better weather has lifted my spirits which is nice for a change!