Frightened cat

[Jarmolowicz]

I have been dating my girlfriend for a few months. At first, her cat was very affectionate and would lie on me and play games with me. To her, he is extremely affectionate and sleeps in the bed every night. Now we've been together a few months, he is literally terrified of me and runs out of the house every time he sees me. Everytime my girlfriend picks him up and then he sees me he struggles and runs away. What's the deal?!

[gingerflaps]

maybe u could try buying the cat some nice treats and toys and maybe it will built up enough trust with u again to come back to u.

[Jarmolowicz]

That's what she thinks too. Problem is, how do I get close enough to give him the treats? Last night we tried not fussing over him and waiting for him to come to us. It worked a bit - he came into the room and my girlfriend petted him but he still looks suspicious at me. Don't know what I've done!

[camille79]

I think the best thing for you to do is to ignore him completely.  I remember reading that cats consider you looking at them to be an aggressive gesture but, when your head is turned away, it is considered friendly (think how a friendly cat rubs the side of its head against you).  Hence, why cat-lovers are usually snubbed in favour of the poor soul allergic to the things!

Cats are also well-known sulkers so I wouldn't give it too much thought.  Perhaps you could feed the cat when you are round (the main feed, not treats) so he associates you with getting his dinner!

[Jarmolowicz]

I'll give it a try. I put his food in his bowl last night and when he saw me he still ran out, but I left the bowl by the back door and he ate it on his own terms later. Was that the right thing to do?

Ignoring him last night did seem to work a bit better, he didn't jump on me or play with me but he at least managed to be in the same room. I think not looking at him is a good idea too. Thanks!

We were planning to get him a kitten as a playmate but that probably wouldn't be a good idea now?

[camille79]

I think it takes time to build up the trust again so it might be worth persevering with the feeding thing.  Hopefully you will find that after a few days or a week he comes looking for you when he's hungry!  I wouldn't recommend a new kitten if the existing cat is feeling insecure.  I had this situation and the older cat just decide to ****** off and find a new home elsewhere.  I've now got two cats which tolerate one another but aren't really playmates.  If you want another cat then go ahead but your GF's cat is probably perfectly happy on its own. 

For the record, I've the opposite problem to you.  My cat is affectionate during the week but when my boyfriend visits at the weekend I don't get a look in!  Cats are a charmingly fickle species so don't worry about it!

[Jarmolowicz]

Definately hanging fire with the new kitten - I think it was my girlfriend getting overexcited at having a pet "together" but given how Sparky has reacted to me she's seen sense. I still don't understand why he's turned on me. Maybe I was too rough with him. We did have an argument in the house last week - maybe that scared him?

If I ignore him, is it ok to pet him if and when he does come near. Can't believe how much this is stressing me out!

What do you do when your cat gives your boyfriend affection and not you?

[gingerflaps]

well when my cat goes to my bf instead of me then i get a peice of string and start playin with her, trowing the string near her and slowly pullin it away, it always works and by the time u know it hugsy is back with me. maybe u can do that, if u want the cat to interacct with u then cats never pass the oppertunity to play with string. just give it time he'l come back to u, and i think the argument u and ur partner had might of deffinatly scarred him also i think he might be feeling a bit jelouse of u because he was the man of the house and now he has another male to conpete with for the affection of ur partner

[Jarmolowicz]

String - good plan. For some reason Sparky has a thing for hair bobbles so I'll give that a try as well. I've never had a pet before so it's a bit wierd getting used to how much attention they need. He's definately jealous of me spending time at my girlfriend's house. He's like a jealous lover. He normally sleeps at the bottom of the bed and when I get out of bed in the morning he hops into my place. (Before he stopped coming near me). Is it normal for him to be like a spoilt child? My girlfriend fusses over him no end. Should she be more stand offish so Sparky learns how to be more patient and not expect attention all the time?

[camille79]

When I'm ignored, I;m usually pleased as it means i can go out without have ginger cat fur all over my clothes:)!  It's turned into a bit of a joke really and, as he works away, it's not really an issue.  Incidentally, my cat's called sparky too!

Anyway, let him come to you, don't try to pick him up or touch him, eventually he'll come and explore. Don't stress!  As I said before, cats are pretty fickle and will always have favourites.  Keep feeding him and he should come to associate you with dinner and come and schmooze you when he's hungry.

[vickyclare]

Cats are very intelligent and strange animals!  He could well be jealous of you since you are another male on "his" territory.  But if he seems scared I don't think thats the case...

I had a lovely cat once, he was very loving to everyone and allowed anybody to pet and play with him.  When I was on holiday a male neighbour came in to feed him and when he opened the door my cat made a dash for it but my neighbour grabbed his tail to stop him from getting out. 

He ended up with a dislocated tail and from that day on never trusted another male.  He can only be around females as he has lost total trust for any men, I only know of one man that has managed to get past this with him.

Is it possible that maybe when your cat has been out hes been treated cruely by another man?  I think the best thing to do is to ignore him to a certain extent and if you do go to stroke him curl your fist into a ball and extend it to him but make sure it is lower than his head (this is a sign of friendliness, basically meaning im not going to fight you) allow him to sniff your hand and when hes comfortable with that reach a bit further to stroke him.

I hope everything works out!  Good Luck!

[Jarmolowicz]

One of my girlfriend's exes did kick Sparky about a year-and-a-half ago. I think he liked to chase Sparky around as well so maybe it's to do with that. Maybe he sees me as the same as him, although he was really friendly at first. We used to play games and everything and he was so affectionate.

I'll keep on with the ignoring! Thanks for all your help - I'll keep you posted.