What Do You Think About This Poem? Any Feedback Would Be Appreciated. Thanks.

[bob68k]

'From The Streets To The Hudson'

Smog plugged into a polyphonic dome
and concrete blossoms under my heels;
removed from Irish fields, where frothy ambrosia
turns luminous, curling the silken sheet of spring

I am a passerby among tourists
musing upon tower tops;
shouldering the horizon, where wedge-shaped
skyscrapers pierce the archings of sky

this is a place where contrasts reflect
off asphalt ribbons, where pigeons
pivot while their wings
shed silver-gray tumult,

where straphangers squeeze into metal cars
at Eighty Sixth and Broadway,
scents of mingled perfume and scorched brake pads
fill the subterranean stretch

here, where millions come as night spills over the Hudson
and the moon rests in roof top gardens;
distant, from spindrift pavements,
this river lies ever at your feet

[Mick-Talbot]

I am a passerby among tourists



Doesn't that indicate you are a tourist too?
To be honest, I struggled with most of it

[lcg]

you need to check your spelling and grammar. and....it is difficult to read - it doesn't flow terribly well. sorry x

[lcg]

oh - and putting big words in where little ones will do does not make a poet.....x

[I_Hate_Infinity]

Beginning of a good poem. The imagery is great, concisely descriptive and effective. It's not a 'read-once' kind of poem though. The picture built up in my head better after 3 scans, so my only constructive criticism would be to lighten it up a little. If you included some animation for your subject e.g. "... Walk. Briskly crossed the ribbon of asphalt, slaloming through the contraflow of on coming traffic. People living Big Apple lives, going the other way...."

Rubbish example but I've always found it best to animate the 'reader' if the poem is heavily descriptive of an environment. lighten it up a little, make it more accessible to the reader, but keep the cleaver adjectives and strong metaphors - (if it was your intention to not include the things I've suggested, my apologies. I offer merely a humble opinion as it's reader.)

IHI

[ludwig]

I like it.

[tonyav]

scents of mingled perfume and scorched brake pads
fill the subterranean stretch.

I like it.