ChatterBank4 mins ago
What Do You Think About This Poem? Any Feedback Would Be Appreciated. Thanks.
7 Answers
'From My Terrace Down'
Twilight's saffron haze reduced to memory
as light strengthens its spars over the horizon
silhouetted gossamer woven upon ash wood and hedge
taut like strings on a violin
from my terrace down,
closely packed houses, roof tops
gnawing at the pith of the air, where starlings wings
stretch for sunshine through westward glints,
their fluted voices carrying long
phrases tattooed to the wind
atop hills shaved from peaks
like those only dreams dare to carve
from my terrace down,
factories and wind mills, fields nosing up
to ploughmen clad in turf bound silence
where moss munches on harvest salts,
from my terrace down
Twilight's saffron haze reduced to memory
as light strengthens its spars over the horizon
silhouetted gossamer woven upon ash wood and hedge
taut like strings on a violin
from my terrace down,
closely packed houses, roof tops
gnawing at the pith of the air, where starlings wings
stretch for sunshine through westward glints,
their fluted voices carrying long
phrases tattooed to the wind
atop hills shaved from peaks
like those only dreams dare to carve
from my terrace down,
factories and wind mills, fields nosing up
to ploughmen clad in turf bound silence
where moss munches on harvest salts,
from my terrace down
Answers
1 to 7 of 7
Wow Bob. That is terrific. Not sure what harvest salts are though...and isn't windmills one word? Also, if in the UK, does this refer to sunrise; first stanza mentions "Twilight's saffron haze reduced to memory". Yet the second stanza mentions "westward glints" which would be sunset. If the time progression is morning to evening, maybe this would be better...
04:24 Wed 20th Feb 2013
My qualifications are not in literature but I have read widely, without becoming an expert!! Excellent choice and use of imagery.
I felt your last stanza was descriptive, scene-setting, developmental, and more like the three earlier ones. A further stanza with some sort of rounding-off or summarising or personal impact or generalisation might well draw it all together.
Congratulations on presenting it for comment. None of my remarks is intended to be patronising
I felt your last stanza was descriptive, scene-setting, developmental, and more like the three earlier ones. A further stanza with some sort of rounding-off or summarising or personal impact or generalisation might well draw it all together.
Congratulations on presenting it for comment. None of my remarks is intended to be patronising
Wow Bob. That is terrific. Not sure what harvest salts are though...and isn't windmills one word? Also, if in the UK, does this refer to sunrise; first stanza mentions "Twilight's saffron haze reduced to memory". Yet the second stanza mentions "westward glints" which would be sunset. If the time progression is morning to evening, maybe this would be better at the end of the poem? I hope this does not seem hypercritical. I really love your use of words. Have you ever thought of entering your poetry to competition?
1 to 7 of 7
