Is This Poem Written Well, And Is It Any Good?

[bob68k]

The Cheatgrass and the Scythe

There's an old farmer's tale called
"The Cheatgrass and the Scythe,"
where we give gratitude to
our pendulum hands
Every spring,
the cheatgrass creeps near
like a thief that steals,
crop quality and yield
All afternoon the farmer scythes,
green crooked wands
till they lean upon death
Acre after acre,
scything becomes
methodical
then again, so does grieving
Consider the farmer's heart,
palsied by grief
as the color of misery
animates in his cheeks
and in his eyes, going the way
of the oak,
where they found
his beloved,
hung by a garden hose.
Each dawn he mumbles
the old farmer's tale,
while his heart must carve
through each of its agonies
over and over, until it feels.

[-Talbot-]

The Cheatgrass and the Scythe,"
where we give gratitude to
our pendulum hands


I would say your hands are orbital rather than pendulous when using a scythe.

[Mamyalynne]

I rather like the inclusion of 'Cheatgrass' - it's name is evocative and suits the theme.

I have never minded having to look up things I haven't come across before, part of the experience be it a novel or a poem.

I do agree the garden hose is out of place.

[Marijn]

I think it's beautifully written. I could picture it and feel it.

[Canary42]

Hmmm, yes, from the poetic point of view Mamyalynne I agree, Cheatgrass is the ideal word - my earlier suggestion was in response to those who had queried it.

As regards garden hose, I'm still undecided - it jars, but surely that suits the poem's revelation as it jolts the reader from the somewhat pastoral theme into the harshness of human tragedy. My only concern is there is also a trace of humour in it, which is out of place. I would like to try "hanging in the barn" for "hung by a garden hose", although that is a bit too tame - oh well, I'm not a poet by a long chalk.

[Mamyalynne]

Still the fact that it has prompted thought and discussion is good.

[Khandro]

Those unfortunates who are executed are 'hanged', pictures are hung.

[bob68k]

Here's another.....


"Bus Crush"

Paterson, New Jersey, an inflated mess,
and the bus seats tremble their feeble frames.

Labor-free beer and hemp,
and the loud swallow of starving garbage trucks.

Smog sidles over roof combs
as wind swings in like filth from the East.

She's cute
this girl you'll never love.

She watches you long - and often,
holding your big dream between her thighs.

[Mamyalynne]

Different Bob, I'll give you that.

But for ma a bit disjointed.

[-Talbot-]

Sorry but that made me lol

[bob68k]

"Beyond the Canvas"

After the season unhinged
autumn's calm retreat
from Melina's death,
I returned to this house,
its kitchen warm as sunfish.
Everything appears gray- sleepy gray -
though her portrait still hangs
above our maple lacquered shelf.
I imagine her walking off the canvas
among the iron trees,
where our twinned silhouettes
straddle the stones.
We arrange pranic chants,
till murmurs echo holy.
She asks about Alchemy.
"Did Canseliet really squeeze gold
from tongues of titanium, or lead?"
I tell her I'm not sure,
but I would drag Saturn by its rings,
or pull Jupiter below the knees of the Earth
to deliver her near.
A prairie wind strangles Kingston county,
and memory's kinetic spindrift
resurrects her each day.
Tomorrow, I turn seventy-two.
As always, the night has sloughed its canopy,
and daybreak's silky entrance awakens me.
But it's all here, the lawn chairs
Melina placed under the moon,
the bone china from Rome
and her side of the couch grown empty -
as yesterday leaves a portrait
taking refuge above
our maple lacquered shelf.

[Canary42]

Have you never heard of poetic licence Khandro ?

[Mamyalynne]

Now, that I like even having though I had to check up on Pranic Chants.


Only 'Warm as Sunfish' didn't sit well for me.

[Mamyalynne]

correction^^

Now, that I like even though I had to check up on Pranic Chants.

[-Talbot-]

If I'm honest it reads like you have written something then gone to a thesaurus to try and make it better.

[bob68k]

From what I can remember, I won my poetic licence along with my drivers licence in a crap game--lol Seriously, the word 'hung' used in the other poem, in that particular line is correct. Whenever possible I try to stay away form 'ing words, or even sometimes words ending in 'ed'. It's hard, but getting down to the bare bones of the English language often is.

[Lie-in King]

I like "Beyond the Canvas" but agree with Mamya, "warm as sunfish" doesn't feel right to me

[bob68k]

Thanks for the feedback everyone.

[-Talbot-]

What is your aim with this poetry, bob?

[Ken4155]

I have a question for you, Bob. I take it you are hoping to have your work published, but by putting it on this site and, as you say, several others, have you not lost the copyright to it? And, does the fact that you have already made your work public mean it already has been 'published' in a way?

By the way, of those poems you have put on here, your latest, imho, is by far the best. It immediately brought to mind the lyrics of a song by 70s Prog Rock band, Yes, called "Turn Of The Century", about a scupltor and his deceased wife.