Flump - I've been where you are, a long time back, where I didn't know which way to turn, and everything, everything, was an effort. You wrote that you are fed up being fed up - which is actually a good place to be, you know where you are at. Stick with it - you don't have to smile, just get through each day until you feel the downs lifting just a little bit, then make the most of those little good bits. They will get more frequent, even when you're not looking. You're talking about it, and that, IMO, is a good thing.