Over Protective Parent!

[jonah hart]

I've no idea where to put this question, so sorry if this is the wrong place.

Are there any over protective parents out there?
my kids are 19 and 17 ive always been over protective since my kids were born, they both had small health problems when they were born, you'd think as they've got older id have calmed but nope, and im just getting more ridiculous, if they travel more than say 10 miles away from home i get extremely anxious to the point of having a panic attack. I've had years of councilling but to no avail. I did feel like id got a lot better but recently my son's been suffering with a mental health issues and all the old anxieties have come back, i can't continue like this, i feel like im suffocating them and feel so guilty, they know to answer their phones immediately because they know ill panic if they dont. this can't go on, please as anyone any advice? is there any other parent feel like this? x

[ummmm]

What is it you're fearing?

[jonah hart]

I fear everything ummmm, i fear that if they are too far away and i can't get to them, if they don't answer their phone panic instinctively hits me, i know it's all irrational and my mind tells me this is not right, im being so unfair, i seriously feel im losing the plot x

[bednobs]

hey jonah, i totally get where you are coming from - i suffer from huge helth anxiety over my daughter (she is 3) Luckily mone comes and goes, and it is abeyance at the moment (well the super-anxiety is; a certain bckground level is always there)
I have never found a wy to successfully manage this anxiety. I had some CBT becuse it was affecting me so much but it didn't work
I tend to catastrophize everything too like you.
Have you ever tried CBT?

[bednobs]

ps i meant to sk do you worry about other things too, or is it just your children?

[jonah hart]

Hi bednobs, the constant worry is awful isn't it? I absolutely believe your worry is more rational as your child is so young, i have tried cbt in the past and it did help. I think i worry a normal amount about other things. like i said my son's been having problems these last 6 weeks so that's brought a lot of old fears back. x

[bednobs]

it is pretty crap. All myn friends and family know to text me when they get home after seeing me!

[jonah hart]

I thought it was soposed to be easier as they got older - hey dear x

[jourdain2]

My kids said ''Course I'm fine, Mum, you'll hear if I'm not'. It was hard, but I learned to let them alone so they could live their own lives. The reward is that now we have happy, close (but not suffocatingly so) relationships. Much of it is by phone because we got used to separation when I moved to France.

If anything is really wrong then be assured that they will ring you- or someone will on their behalf. You have to learn to trust them a bit and let go. I know how hard it is. I suppose I'm saying something on the lines of 'You need to be there for them - not them for you'. Does that make sense and help a little?

[jonah hart]

Yes it does make sense thankyou jourdain2, their such great kids (opps i mean young adults) they understand my anxieties, which makes my guilt worse, they've never gave me a reason not to trust them, im so lucky. I just don't understand my way of thinking at all, im even considering hypnotherapy! that's how crazy my brain i
s x

[EDDIE51]

How do your kids take this?
At 17 and 19 few kids would put up with being treated with what they may see as lack of trust and privacy .
I can even see that a 'young adult' may suffer mental health problems due
to being treated as a toddler!
I have 5 children , youngest is 23 now. They would never have put up with me being anywhere near as overprotective as you. Their friends would have taken the ***out of them and me!

[Retrochic]

EDDIE you are being unreasonably hard on the OP . Jonah is suffering from an Anxiety Disorder, a medical condition.

OP if 'years of counselling' have not helped then perhaps its time to go back to your medical practitioner and try something else -maybe medication linked with talking therapy or CBT

[jonah hart]

I know it as been tough on them over the years, and the guilt i carry is just massive, made worse by their understanding and love they have for me. I have worried that my son's problems have been caused by my smothering. Their friends have told me to "chill" many times but luckily never took the P out of them. I do hide my anxieties a lot and let the kids go and do their thing, it's the way i deal with things while their out that's the problem x

[ummmm]

Is it the guilt that is causing your anxiety more so than the children? You've mentioned it a few times.

[EDDIE51]

^^ I realise what I said was hard but there is the children's side to be considered , they have a life of their own. They are both old enough to be parents themselves.

[ummmm]

My daughter was in Oz at 19 and stayed for two years on a works visa. You can't hold them back.

[Retrochic]

If the OP had Cancer and her children had to care for her would you have the same attitude? That she stop having cancer because it affects her children?

[ummmm]

Oh for goodness sake, Retro!!

[Retrochic]

The point I'm making is that people are telling the OP to basically pull her socks up and get on with it - typical attitude to mental health issues. The OP needs help , not people telling her to 'think how her kids feel'

[ummmm]

She is obviously thinking about how her kids feel...that seems to be half the problem...guilt.

You still can't change the fact that she has to let go of them if she wants them to be happy.

Jonah can let them go and still deal with her issues...she doesn't need them at her side to do that.

Comparing it to cancer though, do you not think that's a bit crass?

[Retrochic]

no I don't -mental health issues are just as difficult to cope with as serious physical disease. You are the one being insensitive by just presuming the OP can 'let go'. She has already said she has had years of counselling and trying her best to 'let go' but is getting panic attacks and anxiety. My advice to go back to her medical practitioner is the best course of action for her health. Once she gets herself sorted it will filter down to her children and she will feel more able to cut the apron strings.