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jokes
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funniest joke?
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This is about a old retired soldier
Mr. Brown got himself a new secretary. Debbie was young, sweet and polite.
One day while taking dictation, Debbie noticed his fly was open and, on leaving the room, she said "Oh, Mr. Brown, did you know that your barracks door is open?"
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in, he asked "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you see a soldier standing at attention?"
She was quite witty. "Why, no, Mr. Brown" she replied. "All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags."
Mr. Brown got himself a new secretary. Debbie was young, sweet and polite.
One day while taking dictation, Debbie noticed his fly was open and, on leaving the room, she said "Oh, Mr. Brown, did you know that your barracks door is open?"
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in, he asked "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you see a soldier standing at attention?"
She was quite witty. "Why, no, Mr. Brown" she replied. "All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags."
here are a lot from ages ago http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Body-and-Soul/Question72909.html
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are on a camping trip, they go to sleep, but in the middle of the night Holmes wakes up Watson and says: "Watson! I can see the stars what does that mean? and Watson replies " That means that we are in a the great universe and with all that space and stars and planets we can't possible be alone in the universe...." and he keeps on talking for a while. Holmes replies " No dear Watson, that means that somebody stole our tent"
A trucker in Essex stops for a red light, where a blonde jumps out of her car and knocks on his door.
"Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load", she warns him breathlessly.
The trucker ignores her and continues down the street.
When he stops at the next red light, the girl again catches up, jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly: "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her and continues down the street.
At the third red light, all out of breath the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the window again.
"Hi, my name is Heather", she repeats, "and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and as she lowers it, he says:
"Hi, my name is Jack and I'm driving a fu***ng gritter!"
"Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load", she warns him breathlessly.
The trucker ignores her and continues down the street.
When he stops at the next red light, the girl again catches up, jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly: "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her and continues down the street.
At the third red light, all out of breath the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the window again.
"Hi, my name is Heather", she repeats, "and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and as she lowers it, he says:
"Hi, my name is Jack and I'm driving a fu***ng gritter!"
A man goes to a pet shop to buy a pet as he�s a bit lonely and comes out with a centipede called Dave, the man is so happy with Dave, they chat and laugh and have really fun times together, life could not be better. So the man decides to bring Dave down to the pub to show him off to all the blokes in there and make friends with them via Dave, he�s sure that Dave will tell them jokes and funny stories and everyone will love the man cos he�s Dave�s best mate. So anyway the man calls down to Dave �Dave come on we�re going to the pub� no answer �Dave where are you? We�re going the pub� still no answer so the man shouts �DAVE LET�S GO TO THE PUB� Dave shouts back �I heard you the first time, I�m just putting my shoes on�
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her. "Look, you've got a lot to live for." he said. "I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder, winked at her and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they shagged furiously, blow jobs, up the pooper - the whole works!! Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained, "He's taking me to America, and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Isle of Wight ferry."
This bloke is in bed with his missus when theres a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in the morning. Sod that for a game of soldiers, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that" says his wife, so,he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and this bloke is stood outside. "Eh mate" says the stranger, "can you give us a push??" ,�no, p1ss off, it's half three. I was in bed" says the man and shuts the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, you are a tw@t. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to p1ss off??" So he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Eh mate, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please mate." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" and he replies: "I'm over here on the swings."
A true story. This apparently happened when I was young and I've just been reminded of it.
We had a crinckly old neighbour with a black cat and, curiously enough, a besom. I would often visit and help with her shopping and heavier household chores. When I was about twelve or thirteen she said, 'You've been so good to me these past few years, Would you like me to bless you with a dick like a donkey or a brilliant memory?' Trouble is I can't remember what I chose.
theres this man who has been in a bad accident so hes in the hospital bed lying in bed with an oxygen mask on.the nurse walks over too him and shes examining him when she hears him mutter"are my testicles black???" she is surprised that hes asking this so she pretends not to have heard.a minute later she hears him again"nurse i just asked you if my testicles are black?"so she thinks this is strange but i better have a look. so she removes his trousers and lifts his dick up and has a look and a feel of his testicles,just then the man pulls off his oxygen mask and says " thats very nice nurse but i asked if my test results are back"
I've just pasted these from an e-mail I rec'd yesterday, so excuse any typing errors!
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A YOUNG schoolboy was auditioning for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his dad.
He was really proud of him and asked: "What part did you get?
He replied that he got the part of a man who had been married for 25 years.
His father congratulated him. And then he said: "That's good son, maybe next time you'll get a talking role!"
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A LARGE, muscular guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are kissing in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says: "See that, baby? That's 1,000 pounds of dynamite!" She smiles.
The man then drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs: "See those, baby? That's 1,000 pounds of dynamite!"
Finally, he drops his boxers, and after a quick glance, she grabs her handbag and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks: "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies: "With 2,000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
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Q. Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
A. To see his flat mate.
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cont'd/....
Q. HOW do you keep your husband from reading your e-mails?
A. Rename the folder 'Instruction Manuals'.
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A PROFESSOR was asked to give a talk on "Sex".
When his turn came, he stood, walked to the podium and adjusted the microphone just so. He said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure . . ."
And he sat back down.
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WHILE out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."
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Q. WHAT do you get when you put a fish and an elephant together?
A. Swimming trunks.
My pal and I, in the late 60's or early 70's before either of us were married, decided to travel further afield to try a nightclub called 'Up the Junction' in Crewe, a forty mile drive each way.
When we arrived at about 10 pm the queue was quite long, a good sign we thought. when we reached the door we were approached by a doorman who told us we could not be admitted because we were not wearing a tie. We pleaded our case to no avail.
Walking back to the car, feeling rather sheepish and glum, we had a brainwave. In the car was a set of leads for jump-starting the car; 'You wear the red one and I'll wear the black.' said I.
This done we approached the club once more and were politely refused entry. 'Please', we said, 'We've driven 40 miles to get here and it's not as if there's a lot of alternative entertainment.'
'OK you can come in this once.' said the doorman. 'BUT DON'T START ANYTHING.'
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