I feel so very let down by my husband

[BrokenWife]

Let me explain. My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 4. The whole way through our relationship we have talked about starting a family and have even gone as far as choosing names and worked out who would stop working to look after the family etc.

He has a son from a previous relationship who we see at weekend and I am very much a part of my step-sons life. I am from a large family and have lots of nieces and nephews and we have watched them grow up together and always talk about when it will be our time. Now out of the blue he has decided that kids are not for him and he doesn’t want to have children – ever, not just now. To the point where he has said to me he will look into a vasectomy. I am utterly devastated.

I feel like one of the fundamental parts of our relationship has just been destroyed in a heartbeat. He has had a tough life and has had to overcome a lot of things to be in the place he is now, he tells me he is the happiest he has ever been and our marriage has made him the person he is now. We have spoken at length and he says that he just can not bring a child into this life. I feel broken, and everytime I think about not being able to have a child of my own I fall apart.

I would normally open up to my sisters but I don’t wish to open up to them yet so I am calling upon you, my answerbank friends to give me your opinions.

I am a regular poster but due to the personal nature of this I have opened another account, please forgive me for appearing as a newbie!!

[Old_Geezer]

I think you may be considering different periods. He was being dishonest (at least to the extent of hiding a problem from you) for some time, in the hope it would solve itself. He is now being more honest and upfront about how he feels.

It is sad that the pair of you can not seem to find a compromise of some sort.

[nannybooby]

Its sadthat he feels this way ,but better that he can say how he feels than not talking it through. Maybe he feels a little pressured and vunerable and is resistant to change. I agree you should let it go for now be possitive he talked to you and told you he loves you. If you brood on it you might loose what you have. Maybe he will change his mind again but dont bet on it.Good luck xx

[BrokenWife]

we will just have to find a compromise Old Geezer as i am in this marriage for keeps and i know he says he is too.

[BrokenWife]

NannyBooby, the one thing we have always said is no matter what it is we have to talk, and that is exactly what we have done, it may be hard but atleast we can still talk to each other.

[LoftyLottie]

At the end of the day, our children grow up have families of their own and very often we don't see that much of them and then we go back to being 'a couple' who really only have each other. If you have a strong marriage/partnership that relationship is worth a million and worth hanging on to.

[BrokenWife]

Lofty, if anything has come out of this whole thread the knowledge that i know i want my husband is what my instinct tells me. I guess this might be one of these go with your instinct times....

[Carakeel]

Totally agree with Lottie here. Our children are all grown up and live their own lives. I love seeing my grandchildren and ratter loves seeing his. But, at the same time, ratter and I have our own lives and it is lovely to be at an age where we have the time to just enjoy the love we have for each other. So, once your children are grown up, there is still the life the two of you have together! I wish you both well and really hope that you will reach the stage we are at together.

[crisgal]

hi, i don't know what to say to you, here's a big hug: xxxxxxxx

Can I tell you about my friend? She was in the same situation as you, about twenty five years ago. She decided to stay with her husband and they had a great life. Both earning, plenty of money and no stress! They had a lovely house and some fab holidays etc.
She had accepted that they would never have a child and tried to enjoy life without them as much as she could.
Five years ago, he left her for another woman and she was naturally devastated.
The hardest thing of all though, is that she is too old to have them. She says she feels that he literally took away her best years, and how she wishes she would have had a child anyway, whether he wanted them or not. She says she would have given up everything they did together for the chance to have a baby.
She is a lovely woman, who I'm sure will meet someone else, but how sad that she was denied that chance.
We all thought she was happy childless, even her closest friends - but she admits now that she secretly hoped he's change his mind, and spent all of those years waiting for him to.
I watch her now with her grown up neices and nephews and it breaks my heart.

[BrokenWife]

crisgal, ive gone through 87 posts and been fine and yet ive just burst into tears reading yours. I dont even know what to say to it. That could be my life in 20 years.

[crisgal]

another hug - quick x x x x x x x x x x x x x!

[crisgal]

i didn't mean to make you cry - sorry.
But this isn't a rehearsal - we only get one go.

[BrokenWife]

Crisgal I think it was just very real reading your post

[crisgal]

I don't want to disrespect your hubbyat all, it's just that none of us know what lies ahead. ♥

[BrokenWife]

It's so true though, no one knows what lies ahead. No one goes into a marriage or relationship imagining it ending so can't begin to imagine how I'd feel if I give him the next 20 years of my life, lose my chance of being a mum and then have my marriage disintegrate. Devastating.

[grasscarp]

I am now a lot closer to my grown up daughters than I am to my husband. They and the grandchildren have given me more happiness than I ever imagined. If I wanted something as much as you do, I would go for it. Like Crisgal says you dont want the regrets, and you need someone to leave your things to!

[Marijn]

He has been honest with you now, telling you how he feels.
So you need to be totally honest with HIM now and tell him how much having a child means to you. Why are you protecting him, and holding back on telling him your feelings? Your feelings are equally important as his.

[BrokenWife]

I have to clear my head of this before I get home. Thank you all so much. I'll check in again in the morning incase anyone has anything else to say. Think I'll not mention it tonight and see if he maybe brings it up. Also going to book a wee overnight for the weekend to take us both away from any pressures.

[LoftyLottie]

Grasscarp, I appreciate what you are saying, but it is not always the case that grown up children are close to their parents and sometimes they go off to Australia.

During my son's childhood I was probably more close to him that my husband, there was a very strong bond, but although we still have a good relationship, he is closer now to his partner, which is how it should be and Mr LL and I are probably a lot closer now than we have ever been.

Supposing a spouse is unable to have children or disabled and can't care for children, would you leave them?

I agree though that Broken Wife needs must be considered as well, but I can't see that it's a good idea for someone to go ahead and have kids if a partner is so adamant that they don't want any.

BrokenWife has said that her husband and her are for keeps, and they probably will be. You can't plan your life about what might happen in the future. Yes they might split up, yes she might regret not having kids, it's all supposition. What she has now is real.

I really hope it works out well though and that this is just a hiccough!

[DTCwordfan]

Right course of action, BW, reflect on what has been said, see if he says anything, take your time and have a weekend away to tackle this - at the very least get the Big V off the table, you do not want that happening at this time.

You do need to get you cards on the table though.....

[chattykathy]

This is such a sad situation. My opinion, for what's it's worth, is that you would be making a much bigger sacrifice if you didn't have a child than he would be if you did. Does that make sense? As other posts have said, he's had the joy of having a child and now he wants to take that away from you. It's good that he's told you now but he obviously knows how much it means to you. I really hope you work this out. X