An asking for advice Q - sorry

[mysterygirl]

Firstly, I know some people don't like the Qs that ask for personal advice.  Sorry to those people.

Secondly, I am a regular here but I have re-registered under a different name for reasons that will become clear when you read the following Q.

Here it is.  I am an adult with a regular bf who I live with and love very much.  Recently I've become involved with a bloke I met on the net - NOT on answerbank by the way (and not on a dating site or chatroom either - on a music site).  He has a gf too but she works and lives abroad.  We've met twice and slept together both times and it's been great - not just the sex but everything, we really clicked.  We now realise that we're falling for each other - he has admitted this to me so it's not one-sided - and so he thinks we shouldn't see each other again.  He told me that he's afraid he'll fall "madly in love" with me and then won't be able to finish things when his gf returns to the country in 18 months' time.  I say we should just go for it for now and deal with it when the time comes.  I believe that it's better to do something and regret it than not do it at all.

Please try to put yourself in my shoes and tell me what you would do.  I don't want to hear moralising about cheating as I am well aware of those arguments and we both knew what we were doing when we started this.  But do I give him up, or what?  I genuinely really like him and we're both very confused.  All advice will be appreciated.  Thankyou.

[dirtyharriet]

No one can tell you what to do,

Firstly I wonder whether you love your bf but are no longer in love with him? Has the spark gone and is this why you find this guy so attractive?
You say it's been great and think you should just go for it. You don't even mention ending the relationship with your bf or telling him about the other guy.

You've said you don't want to hear moralising and I hope that I don't come accross that way, but not once have you expressed any concern about your bf. you say you love him but you don't seem concerned about deceiving him.

What will happen if he finds out? Are you sure you want to lose him?

It sounds like it's the excitement of a secret affair, the novelty of someone new. I think you should think carefully about what it is that each of these men give you,and what you want from them before you make any decisions that may rebound on you.

[SKA]

Hey I reckon you should do what you think is right. But how do you know hes for real anyway? he might just be lonely because his girlfriends away!

Well whatever you do good luck

[magicdice]

you've got some good advice from all angles here, but i feel obliged to add that there's no point listening to everyone who says stay with your current man if that would make you unhappy

best of luck whatever you do xxx

[Darjeeling]

Kick him to the curb girl.  It sounds like he's using you and how can you be sure he's actually fallen for you and hasn't been saying this to every girl he's slept with.  Why would he chose to stay with a girl who he hardly ever sees (and obviously doesn't respect seeing as he can sleep around behind her back) when he could have the chance to be with you - who he supposedly is falling in love with.  Accept what's been done has been done and move on.

[ICEMANSAV]

At risk of following on from the trisha type response above, here is mine.

• Dump your boyfriend : You don't love him.
• You've met twice and had sex both times : get some more self respect.
• Get rid of the other bloke : he is using you.
• I am not moralising, I am putting myself in your situation.

[Miss Zippy]

I haven't read the previous posts in detail, but would just say from first, second and third hand experience that when he says you shouldn't meet again because you'll both fall in love - he is letting you down gently.  I know that is not what you want to hear but, believe me, a man will move heaven and earth to be with the woman he loves. It drives me crazy that there are so many women around who hang on for men in this way.  He seems to have no real commitments to his gf which would make it difficult for him to end the relationship. Accept it was just a fun fling and use it as a catalyst to decide what you really want from your life, because your current bf clearly isn't it.

[advicegirl]

Well, one you said you love the guy that you're living with very much so why are you going for another guy? Ask yourself this question who do you love more? Who makes you happy when you need help or when your down? I don't think anybody should give you advice on this because its something you need to decide for yourself. This guy that you fell for on the internet might change his mind once his girlfriend comes back. You may be his "back up girl" the one that he wants to mess with when he is alone. Ask him if he really loves you. Think about and hey its your life.

[advicegirl]

I don't think your a very honest girl to you bf at all. You and this internet guy are both cheating. Do you have any common sense. You don't know who you love or who is real. Girl I feel bad for you. I say dump both of them and you should never go out again because your just going to cheat. I'm being real here. Sorry if I sound harsh.

[secretspirit]

This new bloke is ALREADY setting you up for disappointment saying he's going to find it hard to split up with his existing g/f in 18 months (so presumably there's no way he's splitting up beforehand no matter how 'in love' he is). I think he's planning on using you as an interesting diversion for all that time and then going straight back to his g/f.

I can imagine that the attention and excitement is really flattering and overwhelming but what you've got with your b/f is real and long term so if I were you I'd cut all ties with the other man and stick with the man you really love. I do believe you can make a mistake and put it right without telling your b/f because all that would achieve would be to make you both unhappy. I'm not advocating cheating but what's done is done now and you need to move on.