An asking for advice Q - sorry

[mysterygirl]

Firstly, I know some people don't like the Qs that ask for personal advice.  Sorry to those people.

Secondly, I am a regular here but I have re-registered under a different name for reasons that will become clear when you read the following Q.

Here it is.  I am an adult with a regular bf who I live with and love very much.  Recently I've become involved with a bloke I met on the net - NOT on answerbank by the way (and not on a dating site or chatroom either - on a music site).  He has a gf too but she works and lives abroad.  We've met twice and slept together both times and it's been great - not just the sex but everything, we really clicked.  We now realise that we're falling for each other - he has admitted this to me so it's not one-sided - and so he thinks we shouldn't see each other again.  He told me that he's afraid he'll fall "madly in love" with me and then won't be able to finish things when his gf returns to the country in 18 months' time.  I say we should just go for it for now and deal with it when the time comes.  I believe that it's better to do something and regret it than not do it at all.

Please try to put yourself in my shoes and tell me what you would do.  I don't want to hear moralising about cheating as I am well aware of those arguments and we both knew what we were doing when we started this.  But do I give him up, or what?  I genuinely really like him and we're both very confused.  All advice will be appreciated.  Thankyou.

[wellhungjock]

hi marge welcome back. give him up he's no good.

[Cheesefreek]

If he can betray his g/f - how could you ever trust him?  He could just as easily do the same to you.  If you do love your boyfriend, stop now.  If you leave a man you say you truly love, how could you live with yourself.  Lust has a strange way of making you think it's love.  I think you'll regret it if you "go for it".  At the risk of overdoing the cliche - time DOES heal.  You'll look back on it as an pleasant interlude in your real relationship.  If you carry on you can guarantee - as day follows night - that your b/f WILL find out.

 

I know this reply is bitty - but I was looking at it objectively, thinking to very similar situations in my own life, and just putting my thoughts down as they happened.

[trionam]

Why would he hesitate in breaking up with his gf? especially if he hasnt seen here in 18mths, Obviously its a complicated situation but if you both feel that strongly about each other then you should end it with your current partners as they need a chance to move on a find someone too.

[woofgang]

1. The most important things in life are kindness and honesty and I don't think that you are being kind or honest to your bf. 

2. I certainly wouldn't trust anyone who would do this to their gf.

3 Nasty question...does his gf go abroad often and are you sure that this is the first time that he has done this?

4. Does he have a gf at all? I am a cynical middle aged woman and this smells potentially of a good ploy to me.

 5. How will you feel when you two are not together, will you wonder what he is doing and will you be okay about it when he meets someone else on the net.

 

Basically BAD BAD IDEA

[pilchard]

If he felt that strongly about you i think he couldn't bear  not seeing you again. I say stick with your current BF , who you have admitted to loving very much. I'm only advicing how i would feel, but i'm not much of a gambler and have never been in this situation before. I wish you luck.

[BondGirl]

As you  say hon, you're an adult - so you gotta do what you gotta do, but obviously be prepared to accept any consequences that may follow.  It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but it's a hard one - have been there myself before (in my case it never worked out-but hey, there's no saying it won't for you).  You really have to sit down and give yourself a good argument to work it out, but there is no right or wrong, or any easy way out - you, and you only can make this decision. 

Maybe your current bf (that you say you love) has become more of a mate than a partner?  Then there's the argument that when you 1st meet someone, it's a crazy crazy time and you don't think logically.  What will be will be buddy, but probably better to sort things out (even if it's only in your head), rather than leaving it. Just don't do what ppl "expect" you to do - doing the "right thing" can leave everyone upset and unhappy.

Wishing you all the best and will look forward to following this thread to see how you get on.  Good luck mate.  x

[undercovers]

your new lover has dumped you - this "we shouldn't see each other again in case we fall in love - which would be wrong" is an old line to keep a "pull" happy and you unmolested by the girl you just had your wicked way with then dumped. move on and remember that if you meet a guy off the internet he will be trying the sleep with you, and will probably be doing the same with lots of other women... obviously it is for the chase. In my younger days I did the same thing, if a girl had a partner I would say I did as well - this opens up the conversation and makes the girl easier to seduce and discard

[Shellywba]

Give him up, matey.

You say you love you're boyfriend very much - but why are you doing this to him?

How would you be able to trust this bloke if he's cheated on his girlfriend with you?

He could have loads of other girls on the go.

[oxeyedaisy]

i have given your problem a lot of thought.and i would finish the relationship you have at home..obviously something is missing from it and if you loved him as much as you say then you wouldnt be in this situation..the new relationship i would give it a whirl and see where it leads you..maybe it wont work out..maybe it wont even last the 18 months..maybe its going to lead to someone else in the future for you..someone who you wouldnt cheat on..you have allready taken the step into the unknown by beginning this new relationship..and i feel if you end it sooner or later again you will be seeking someone else..perhaps you need space..to explore the unknown without worrying about hurting people..which ever way you go someone will be hurt its life its just got to be dealt with..best of luck..

[mysterygirl]

Just a quick interlude to answer the Qs posed so far:

1) I'm not Marge. 

2) His gf lives abroad on a full time basis.  This isn't the first time he has slept with another woman while she's been away.  But he does say it's the first time he's fallen for one, and I do believe him.

3) I know the gf's name, job and have been with him when she's called and texted on more than one occasion, so I'm fairly sure she exists.  If not it'd be a very elaborate ploy.

 

Thanks all, great answers, please carry on.

[OBonio]

I've been here before. Lovely looking blonde Norwegian girl had me thinking about moving over there to live. Give up my job, gf, everything. I was tempted but thought... 'What is it that is driving me towards this girl I, in all honesty, don't really know THAT well?' I stayed here and broke it off with her. A week later she was trying to do the same thing to a good friend of mine from Holland. He fell well and truly head over heels for her (as he had done before with about 5 other girls he'd met on the internet). Then she disappeared, breaking his heart. Lucky escape, I thought.

From experience, 90% of internet relationships generally go bad or just fizzle out. You can't get to know a person truly over the internet. You just can't.

If you are really serious about him, then meet up with him more than twice (as in, real dates, proper talking etc) and then judge him for who he really is, and not who you think he is from his internet persona.

[OBonio]

PS I have a hunch about who it is. Try posting an answer to your own Q with your real ID to cover your tracks.. saying that, you might have done already ;o)

[rumanshu]

This is a tough one.

Are you sure that the grass isn't greener on the otherside with this new bloke?  Maybe you have come to the point in your relationship with your boyfriend when you want and need something new, and even something exciting?

If I was in your shoes, I would be worried that my feelings for this new guy have been exaggerated because of your current relationship.  I mean, if you were both single, would you really feel so strongly about each other? 

The best way to test your feelings is to break up with your existing partners and cool off from seeing each other for a while.  Then you can take things slowly and see where you go.  It's best to give it a go, instead of breaking things off permanently now with your new bloke and living with the thought of "what if?".  Plus, if you do stop seeing him, you may start to sub-consciously hold it aganist your current partner, and take it out on him.

[newtron]

Your biggest mistake is that you act like it is only your decision, but it is not. Your boyfriend is also involved.  If he found out that you have already cheated on him, he might make the decision for you.  You have already made a huge mistake by being dishonest to your boyfriend, which may result in a very messy situation.  I have been in your boyfriends situation and I felt that being lied to was a worse offence than the cheating.  If you want to resolve this issue in the cleanest matter, you need to tell your boyfriend now.  Let's say that you don't tell him that you were unfaithful and decide to stay with him, and then later down the line he some how finds out (chances are he will find out one way or another).  He will be very upset that not only did you cheat but you also lied to him.  If you bring everything out in the open now, at least he will see that you are being honest.  I am not trying to make moralising arguements.  I'm just saying that is not only up to you.  You are over simplifying the situation.  The simplest way to resolve this already complicated situation (no matter what the final outcome is) is to be honest with your boyfriend.  Unless you like high drama in your life (some people do).  I personally like to keep my life simple.  High drama takes too much energy.

[CiderMonkey]

This new guy must be something special to make you cheat on the boyfriend you love. Because of that, I don't think you should give up right away. Although it's not nice to have cheated on someone, how do you know this new person isn't actually 'the one'?. I agree that it's better to regret something you did do than something you didn't. If you end it with the new guy now you will always be wondering 'what if' as i think your feelings for this guy are pretty strong. I understand that you love your current boyfreind but I also think there might be something lacking, however small, to allow you to look elsewhere for love. Could it be that the excitement has gone now you are living together? Would you be willing to give up your current bloke to give it a go with the new one, without being certain it would be the best move?

I was living with a guy, met a new guy and had feelings for him. I didn't know who to choose. In the end I chose the new guy because i realised i couldn't have been 100% in love with the old guy if i done that to him. In the end, it didn't work out with the new guy but i was ok about it as at least i was out of a relationship that wasn't totally right for me.

I really sympathise you going through this, i know it's a horrible situation to be in. I hope you sort out what is the right thing to do for you. x

[rumanshu]

I forgot to mention in my post before that a similar thing happened to a friend of mine, however the people involved were already married.

She met someone through work, and they soon hit it off and realised that they were falling in love with each other.  After a long affair they were convinved that they were meant to be together and separated from their spouses.  After the drama died down, they moved in together and had a blissful few months. Then, things went sour - little annoying habits/personality traits suddenly came to light that only became apparent when living with together.  In the end, they split up. 

I don't want to be a pessimist here, but you should understand that you could end up alone, even if you follow your heart.

[indian]

1. break with present boyf

2. Don't see the other guy

3 figure out what was missing from the relationship that made you look else where. Just because he might have been a lovely guy it doesn't mean he was right for you.

4. If the other guys so much in love with you he should come back

Good luck, i hope you work things out.