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How would you handle this.
32 Answers
Last year I turned 40 yrs old and i didn't want a load of fuss and a big party etc . I had a nice meal out with my family and 2 week holiday abroad in a nice 4 star hotel with me ,my boyfriend and my 5 yr old son.
It was during peak season and me and my bf went halves on the cost.
My bf didn't say in so many words but I got the gist that he thought it was a lot of money to spend on a holiday but he went along with it.
For a week or two before the holiday and the first few days of the holiday he wasn't very happy..not in a bad mood as such just not in a good mood or talking very much.
I tried to ask him what was up but didn't get much of an answer but my thoughts in hindsight was he begrudged the cost.
he cheered up a bit for a couple of days and then on the night before my birthday he lost his patience with my son about something and we had a few words.
Unfortunately his mood carried on the next day on my birthday when he hardly talked to me ALL day. We had dinner from 6 til 7.30ish where he still wasn't really talking and as soon as he finished his dinner he left me and my son to go up to the hotel room.
a little while later i went up to the room to find him in bed watching a film on his i-phone which he could've watched anytime.
I asked him to please come and join us for a drink and he said no. this really upset me but i just walked out and then went for a walk on the beach with my son until it was his bedtime and returned to the room.
This should've been a special day and it turned out to be one of the worst days i've ever had. it still bothers me now when i think of it.
we don't communicate very well as a couple so we've never really discussed this although it bothered me for ages.
My problem that is now looming is that it is my bf's 40th coming up and whereas i always make a fuss of people's birthdays and try to make it special for milestone birthdays i really can't help thinking that i don't particularly want to after he made mine such a bad day. it would've been different if we had been at home. i could've gone to see friends or my family but i was stuck on a holiday with a grumpy bf. :O( or even if i was just away with my son it would've been a nicer day. what do i do about his birthday?....
It was during peak season and me and my bf went halves on the cost.
My bf didn't say in so many words but I got the gist that he thought it was a lot of money to spend on a holiday but he went along with it.
For a week or two before the holiday and the first few days of the holiday he wasn't very happy..not in a bad mood as such just not in a good mood or talking very much.
I tried to ask him what was up but didn't get much of an answer but my thoughts in hindsight was he begrudged the cost.
he cheered up a bit for a couple of days and then on the night before my birthday he lost his patience with my son about something and we had a few words.
Unfortunately his mood carried on the next day on my birthday when he hardly talked to me ALL day. We had dinner from 6 til 7.30ish where he still wasn't really talking and as soon as he finished his dinner he left me and my son to go up to the hotel room.
a little while later i went up to the room to find him in bed watching a film on his i-phone which he could've watched anytime.
I asked him to please come and join us for a drink and he said no. this really upset me but i just walked out and then went for a walk on the beach with my son until it was his bedtime and returned to the room.
This should've been a special day and it turned out to be one of the worst days i've ever had. it still bothers me now when i think of it.
we don't communicate very well as a couple so we've never really discussed this although it bothered me for ages.
My problem that is now looming is that it is my bf's 40th coming up and whereas i always make a fuss of people's birthdays and try to make it special for milestone birthdays i really can't help thinking that i don't particularly want to after he made mine such a bad day. it would've been different if we had been at home. i could've gone to see friends or my family but i was stuck on a holiday with a grumpy bf. :O( or even if i was just away with my son it would've been a nicer day. what do i do about his birthday?....
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I really wished I'd discussed it at the time. i was so upset at the time and for a while after that i didn't want to talk about it and now it feels like it's been too long to bring it up now. ..but it hasn't gone away so it needs doing.
Whenever i've tackled him about this sort of thing he usually has some excuse(mainly tiredness from work although he had been off work for days when this happened) so i'll be expecting the same response to be honest but at least he'll be in the picture of how much he upset me.
we were planning a couple of days out half way through the holiday and i suggested doing something on my birthday but he dismissed the idea straight away and when i said it would be nice he said a bit sharply 'you're on holiday, isn't that nice enough'. so i gathered he thought that him paying for half the holiday was more than enough and he didn't have to put in anymore effort.
I ended up wishing that we haven't gone together.
I had the same at valentines ..i bought cards and couple of pressies the week before and spent ages baking a cake on the day. he on the other hand picked up a box of Thorntons from his workplace on the day and didn't even hand them to me.he left them on the side in a carrier bag..romantic eh. and thinking of it he spoilt our meal out too at the end by bringing up rather a sensitive issue and talking about it for way too long and upsetting me again.
why do you think he does this?...
Whenever i've tackled him about this sort of thing he usually has some excuse(mainly tiredness from work although he had been off work for days when this happened) so i'll be expecting the same response to be honest but at least he'll be in the picture of how much he upset me.
we were planning a couple of days out half way through the holiday and i suggested doing something on my birthday but he dismissed the idea straight away and when i said it would be nice he said a bit sharply 'you're on holiday, isn't that nice enough'. so i gathered he thought that him paying for half the holiday was more than enough and he didn't have to put in anymore effort.
I ended up wishing that we haven't gone together.
I had the same at valentines ..i bought cards and couple of pressies the week before and spent ages baking a cake on the day. he on the other hand picked up a box of Thorntons from his workplace on the day and didn't even hand them to me.he left them on the side in a carrier bag..romantic eh. and thinking of it he spoilt our meal out too at the end by bringing up rather a sensitive issue and talking about it for way too long and upsetting me again.
why do you think he does this?...
right plan of action with all your encouragement is to broach the subject of my birthday with him and maybe a couple of other issues.
i think he in a small way sometimes begrudges paying for and spending time with my son as it doesn't get the pleasure of doing it with his own sons as his ex is a nightmare and won't let him see them...all of which is not my son's fault!
if we can go forward i will be buying the usual card,pressies etc for birthday but will let him lead the way with how he wants to spend his day.
i think he in a small way sometimes begrudges paying for and spending time with my son as it doesn't get the pleasure of doing it with his own sons as his ex is a nightmare and won't let him see them...all of which is not my son's fault!
if we can go forward i will be buying the usual card,pressies etc for birthday but will let him lead the way with how he wants to spend his day.
i agree with boxtops - let him sort it out himself... buy him a card and a gift and thats it...
clearly he doesnt like spending money so he wont want you to spend it on a fuss for him...so dont
are you sure it was the cost?
you're sure there is no other reason he was grumpy?
was he missing out on something else by going with you?
clearly he doesnt like spending money so he wont want you to spend it on a fuss for him...so dont
are you sure it was the cost?
you're sure there is no other reason he was grumpy?
was he missing out on something else by going with you?
I don't want to sound harsh but why are you with a man who obviously has a different outlook and values to you.
You sound like a mature, nice person and he sounds just plain miserable and childish.
A gauge to me is that you are on here asking about what to do and how to handle the situation. In the past I have had some disaters man wise and was always asking my friends what they thought, was he right for me etc. When I eventually met the right man (at 46!) I didnt even think of asking what other people thought because I was so sure myself.
You really sound like you deserve better (as does your son) xx
You sound like a mature, nice person and he sounds just plain miserable and childish.
A gauge to me is that you are on here asking about what to do and how to handle the situation. In the past I have had some disaters man wise and was always asking my friends what they thought, was he right for me etc. When I eventually met the right man (at 46!) I didnt even think of asking what other people thought because I was so sure myself.
You really sound like you deserve better (as does your son) xx
no i'm sure there wasn't joko...i really do think it was the cost.
long story short i think he thought it was a waste and he would've preferred to put the money towards something else.
It's such a shame because I was blown away by the hotel and it's staff ,the pool was amazing and so was the food and it should've been a holiday to remember for nice reasons but bad ones.
if i'd known i wouldn't have gone and would've arranged a big night out with my friends instead.
and yes snowball i find it really hard to talk and broach things..it wasn't encouraged in my family and previous relationships have done nothing to improve it and when i have with my bf i have just had the tired excuse each time.
long story short i think he thought it was a waste and he would've preferred to put the money towards something else.
It's such a shame because I was blown away by the hotel and it's staff ,the pool was amazing and so was the food and it should've been a holiday to remember for nice reasons but bad ones.
if i'd known i wouldn't have gone and would've arranged a big night out with my friends instead.
and yes snowball i find it really hard to talk and broach things..it wasn't encouraged in my family and previous relationships have done nothing to improve it and when i have with my bf i have just had the tired excuse each time.
