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Quick update (should anyone be remotely bothered) :-)
I went to the docs - armed with my list. The waiting room was absolutely packed, so when I went in I said "well I did have a list but I can see you're really busy so I'll just stick to the one thing". It wasn't my usual GP, but a GP I have seen before. Anyway, he asked what the problem was and I told him about feeling anxious quite a lot of the time and not really knowing what to do about it. He put his pen down and sat back in his chair and started asking me questions about things that maybe could have triggered it, asked me what the "odd" feelings are, asked me about my life.
I'm not a good talker, which is probably why I never stuck with the CBT, but he made me feel so comfortable and at ease that before i knew it, I was telling him everything. Things that only I know and things I would have taken to the grave (not as dramatic as that sounds!)
I told him how when I go to bed I force myself to stay awake because I have this overwhelming fear that something bad is going to happen if I fall asleep. I told him how I have to check every door handle three times, how I have to switch switches a certain number of times (depending on what day it is), how I have to kiss the kids on the cheek three times before I go to bed, how every door in the house must be open to 5cm. I laughed and said "I know I sound absolutely crazy", and he just smiled and told me to carry on.
I told him about my weird obsession with checking my pulse, and how I get really panicky if my veins look like they're protruding. I told him about the postnatal depression I had with my son, and how I felt like I lost a year of my life through being monged-out on drugs and constantly fighting the urge to do myself harm, I told him how every night time is a battle, and every night time I think I'm going to have a heart attack and die.
So yeah, I laid all my cards on the table... and as soon as I stopped talking, I instantly regretted it.
He said anxiety is "extremely common" and that I'd be surprised by the number of people that sit in that chair and say similar things - and all think they're "crazy".
He said he would refer me to a treatment centre, and they would be in contact very soon.
Well, I went away feeling strangely happy. I've suffered with anxiety (on and off) for the past twelve years. I've had CBT in the past, but never seen it through. I always 'think' I'm ok, and then think I can do without it. I'm not a good talker, at all. That was the first time I have properly spoken to someone and told them exactly what's going on in this head of mine.
AB is great, because you don't have to look someone in the eye, but this felt almost like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
Well, nine o'clock this morning the phone rang. It was a lady from a local treatment centre that deals solely with mental health.
She asked if I had time to talk, and I went through the whole thing again. She said she was a former OCD sufferer herself, and that with the help of therapy she's been "well" for over a year - so there is hope.
She went through lots of other things, such as what support network I have around me. I told her this was very limited but I do have my family who are well aware of the 'situation'. It's not really something I talk about with them though, as I feel stupid about the whole thing.
She said she'd pass everything on to relevant person, and I can expect a call within the next 5 days with an appointment for a more detailed assessment and with a view to "starting treatment as soon as possible".
For once, I feel like there's a light at the end of this very long tunnel...