Am I Wrong To Be Very Irritated At This?

[RATTER15]

Working in Care Homes, especially in the field of Dementia I often find that families, usually sons and daughters don't visit their parents once the dementia progresses.

The reason I usually get is: that isn't my mum, that's isn't my Dad!! It really winds me up!!

I want to say: yes it bloody well is, you may not have any desire to visit them but how about the need they may have to see their daughter or son!

I know that some times they may not recognise their son or daughter but even if they don't it usually still registers that it is a familiar and close friendly person.

We have a lady only in her mid 60s, now very close to being in a vegetative state due to her dementia but we can still get a limited response from her. Her Son regularly comes to the home to bring things for his mother and pay the bills etc. but will never come into the home for fear of seeing his mother that he claims to love.

Of course I can accept it is very difficult but I really think that with help they could deal with it for the sake of their loved ones.

These people need their families now more than ever but they are frequently just shut away and never seen by their families again.

It really winds me up, am I wrong or should I be more understanding?

[RATTER15]

ImLostAgain, I dont think you need feel guilty, you say you visited your mum twice a week, that is a lot more than most residents of Care Homes get.

[pixie373]

It must be incredibly hard for relatives to deal with, but i agree that visits are always worthwhile for someone with dementia. They might get language muddled, saying "sister" instead of "daughter" but they never completely lose face recognition. We have had many residents acting as though they don't recognise their children - until they've gone- then they mention it. Don't underestimate what's still there.

[brenda]

I have visited a care home to see my husband for 6 years now. I go each day for about an hour.The home is only 5 mins from our home.He has dementia and other difficulties.I do not have any expectations when I visit of how things may be, and some visits are good ,others are not.My reason for visiting is fairly simple , I still feel that I can add something to his quality of life and that is enough for me.
Like Ratter has said some families never visit ,which to be honest is something I find hard to understand. Feeling as I do, that dementia is not about us the visitor, but is about the sufferer.Sincerely Brenda.

[RATTER15]

Pixie, I totally agree, and whilst they may not react to any degree to the visitor, we as carers usually see the emotion of the resident after the visitor has left.

brenda, //Feeling as I do, that dementia is not about us the visitor, but is about the sufferer.Sincerely Brenda.// my point exactly.

But like has already been pointed out some people just cannot cope and I think that must be appreciated.

[woofgang]

but but....in many cases, the visitor is a sufferer too.

[boxtops]

Ratter, you sound like a caring man in the ideal job. Would that there were more like you, looking after our frail elderly people xx

[EcclesCake]

I have the utmost respect and admiration for Brenda.

[anneasquith]

woof, I agree, but they have a choice, the patient does not.

[askyourgran]

Perhaps RATTER it is because it is so distressing to see them and be able to communicate the way they used to do. I'm lucky I have no-one in that state of mind and I can only think to sit and chat with them holding their hand with a hug and a kiss would be of comfort to them. You are the expert in this field maybe you could get it across how much benefit it would be to their relative to have that visit.

[wolf63]

Both my parents died before I was 40 so visiting them is not an issue.

I have to say that should I be at the stage where dementia renders me incapable of living without support I would prefer to die. I realise that many people will disagree with euthanasia but that would be by choice.

[Maydup]

Ratter, if i could guarantee the level of support in my old age that you offer the people in your care, I'd happily book it now and pay double.
Keep up the good work.

[Carakeel]

I looked after my mother for 25 years and in the last 9+, she had dementia. I say 9+, as I am not sure when it started. Looking back and having done courses on dementia in the meantime, I remember so many little things she did that today I would recognize as possible early signs of dementia. When her dementia got worse, she took to her bed and rarely left it. She gradually became immobile and, as I myself am disabled, we had to have carers in to toilet her. I had promised her that I would never put her in a home and I kept my promise. But, there were days when I could barely cope emotionally. Days when she would ask me to bring my son in to see her. My son, who had died three days before his 21st birthday of brain cancer, my son who had died in my arms many years ago! There were days when she did not recognize me. I do understand how hard it is to go through all this. But I believed I had to be strong enough to put her first, as it was her life that was coming to a close and she was my mother. I have no regrets! So, while I can understand that most people do as much as they believe they can cope with, I also think that sometimes we need to try to be that little bit stronger than we think we are and put the other person first.

[emmie]

think how it is when the mum or dad still lives at home, perhaps on their own and gets no visit from their children, that is also sad. Especially when there are grand children involved. I know that its difficult for some to express their feelings when a parent is old, infirm and perhaps suffering from dementia, i think your heart is in the right place

[murraymints]

cara..I was the same I had promised fil I would always care for him and not submit him to home..which I did despite the problems..doubly incontinent, aggressive violent at times, required complete personal care, dressing undressing showering...the whole caboodle..hard work and I never slept more than hour as he needed putting back to bed all night.. but..i do not regret it.. I loved him dearly even if the person I loved had actually already gone.. I would do it again in a heartbeat for one I loved so dearly to havethe final years at home to die with dignity in their own home ..as he did in bed while I cuddled him....

[joko]

my auntie was 90-odd when she died

she was one of the most lovely, kindest, jolly and happy people you could ever meet

just before she died, she became like a shell, didnt know who people were, was tiny and thin and looked very ill and frail, she couldnt move, eat or sleep - i only went to see her once, as my dad didnt like us going (i think it may have been because he would get upset and didnt want us to be)
she just looked at me oblivious, had no idea who i was.

but now, sadly whenever i think of my lovely auntie sue, i see that image first and it seems to dominate my memory of her - instead of the many many years worth of memories i could have.

i could not bear for that to happen with my parents.

[joko]

in fact as i recall the only reason he allowed me to go this time was because his car was not working so i had to drive

[murraymints]

are you better cara ? you have both been through such a devastating blow when you thought life had just begun again ..then mum...poor you ... hope that things are sorted for you and the animals soon..i had already booked in mentally to your lovely cabin !

[Brenden]

I visited a friend of mine with dementia, and although she did not really know who I was, and had forgotten how to write, she knew every word of the operatic arias, she was a superb opera singer and we spent time singing - albeit I cannot sing a note.

[murraymints]

Brendan..thats lovely..i used to spend hours talking war strategy..he was a desert rat..at el alemein and torbruk ...