Indecision Of The Heart!!

[missjulie]

I met a man over Facebook and we have been messaging for several months and are due to meet tomorrow for the first time. There is no question that sex would be expected due to the explicit nature of our texts and messages.

I am already in a relationship and quite obviously seeking a thrill and confirmation of my attractiveness, being a very vain and insecure type of person.

But I am absolutely petrified. The duplicity is causing me massive stress, as well as the all-encompassing fear that this man will see me and be dreadfully disappointed that I don't look as good as my photos.

I don't know what to do. This would most definitely be a one-off for me but my confidence is at an all-time low and the rejection would be crushing.

[Retrochic]

She should address why she has lost her confidence and if that has something to do with her current relationship. IF so then maybe her current relationship is toxic and she needs to move on.

[Prudie]

Sorry to shatter any illusions but just because a man wants to sleep with you does not prove he finds you attractive at all.

[robofluff]

meeting up with a total stranger for sex sounds very dangerous to me, what if they have some sort of STD or that they might be a psycho?

What if he has met up with lots of other people to have sex in the same way as he has met you, please be careful.

[missjulie]

Actually that is a very good idea to meet him but hold off from having sex. That is what is making me so nervous. The trouble is through my own fault I've gone along with the idea that we WILL do, tomorrow. I'm my own worst enemy and always equate having decorum and morals as being a bit boring.
I've been with my partner for 12 years and like all long-term relationships one seeks an injection of excitement now and then. I don't have children, no.

[Retrochic]

missjulie and injection of excitement need not be with someone else -if it has to be than there is something sadly wrong with your relationship. Perhaps suggest an 'open relationship' with your current partner as they may also be wanting to inject excitement into their love life. Would you be bothered if your partner was having cyber sex with someone younger and prettier than you, and asking for advice on a public forum if he should have sex with her ?

[anneasquith]

what you need is '' a date night ''

[Dizmo]

missjulie: I've been following this thread all day and waited to see how other people responded.

12 years is a long time to spend with someone so something must be right about your relationship otherwise you wouldn't be with each other for so long. Note that I said with each other as opposed to saying 'you being with him'.

I am the type of people who would never dream of playing away so my advice is going to be somewhat biased. If you're not happy with your current partner then at least give him the decency of knowing before you do what you're proposing. You never know, you might sleep better at night for it.

If you do decide to go ahead with it then I suggest you take the advise most people on here have given.

I hope you decide to speak to your OH.

[Dizmo]

*type of person. Darn typos.

[pastafreak]

Hmmm...I'm not too sure "the heart" comes into this. That would imply feelings and emotions...not being "absolutely petrified" as you describe it.

[missjulie]

This is without doubt a vanity thing - I had no confidence as a child, teased at school for having glasses and being plain and shy, then when I finally blossomed as a late teen I couldn't believe boys started to find me attractive. My partner finds me attractive and is very complimentary but it feels to me I always need further validation. I'm happy for people on Facebook to be complimentary but someone wanting to take it further just makes me think I won't be good enough in ANY respect. THIS is why I'm having the battle - it feels like a battle I need to face, rather than run away from. So you see it isn't even really about sex, it's about acceptance from someone other than my partner.

[missjulie]

This is without doubt a vanity thing - I had no confidence as a child, teased at school for having glasses and being plain and shy, then when I finally blossomed as a late teen I couldn't believe boys started to find me attractive. My partner finds me attractive and is very complimentary but it feels to me I always need further validation. I'm happy for people on Facebook to be complimentary but someone wanting to take it further just makes me think I won't be good enough in ANY respect. THIS is why I'm having the battle - it feels like a battle I need to face, rather than run away from. So you see it isn't even really about sex, it's about acceptance from someone other than my partner.

[Dizmo]

missjulie: If it isn't about sex then don't allow the sex to happen. You clearly already know that he is interested in having sex with you.

Don't allow yourself to drop so low. I was bullied to death at school as well and people didn't think I was attractive - probably because I'm not (see, still the self doubt). Do you know how you will feel if you have sex with him? At first you will feel wanted, then you'll feel used.

As shameful as it sounds, I've been in this position (without having a partner) and I decided to meet someone I didn't know at stupid o'clock at night because I felt low about myself - after all the wife had just walked out on me.

[missjulie]

Thank you Dizmo. I don't think one ever fully recovers from being bullied at school and I think all this carrying-on is to prove to my 14 year old self that men DO fancy me and find me attractive. I feel sorry for myself really, because I've just had a book published and am invited to lots of glam events, yet I still feel that the only validation worthwhile is from a man. I also struggle with saying no (stemming from childhood) - and just go along with what I think people want. So put those two together and you can see why this situation has developed.
I have just messaged the man and told him I'm petrified of this situation and have made myself ill over it. Desperately uncool, but then I AM!

[Sqad]

divebuddy

EH! where does she say she is 14 yrs old?

She has been in a relationship for 12 years........since she was 2 years old?

[Sqad]

divebuddy....you are correct.

This is clearly a "windup merchant".

[pastafreak]

I don't understand why people give 'advice' when they can't be bothered to understand the situation,or read all responses.

[wired]

"Vain and insecure" how about some self respect, you know this will end in regret, you have a partner who obviously finds you attractive, let it be

[Sqad]

pasta....c'mon/

A 14year old girl who has been in a relationship for 12 years......

What do you take us for?