When Friends Aren't Friends

[Scarlett]

Have you ever had a good friend who decides that your services are no longer required when they get a better offer- a boyfriend/girlfriend, a new best friend etc? This has happened to me several times despite me always being the best and most loyal friend I can be. I usually end up walking away and thinking "their loss", but why are people so awful? Or have you actually done this to someone?

[Tilly2]

No, not at all. They're not friends if they do that to you.

[woofgang]

Well if someone is entering a relationship then its not unreasonable for them to see less of their friends, at least for a while. No I have never dumped a friend or been dumped but then I am not someone who has best friends in terms of exclusivity.... You will excuse my saying this and yell at me if I am wrong....but your comment that it has happened to you despite being the best and most loyal friend you can be makes me wonder if you come over to some people as a little smothering and needy maybe?

[Old_Geezer]

As life goes on one meets new people and finds there is a limit to the number of friendly relationships one can maintain. Some old ones survive a lifetime, some change as you lose touch. Not an issue.

[EDDIE51]

woofgang , you have just put into words what I was trying to think of a way to express.

[Scarlett]

I know what you mean Woofgang, but I'm really not! I am very independent and let my friends do the 'leading' in terms of how much time they want to spend with me, and doing what. What usually happens is that someone will meet me, we will get on, we get to be good friends, they think I'm ace, then they either get coupled up, or find a different friend, and suddenly I am dumped. And because I am a loyal person I will always stick by them- as and when they need, so I have never done this myself. I am then disappointed as I can't work out why they would do this, when I know never would!

[andy-hughes]

Scarlett - It reads as though you value yourself highly as a 'best friend', and you are offended and upset when your friends don't see you in the same way.

The fact is, relationships are fluid entities, prey to changing situations and circumstances.

If someone no longer needs your friendship to the level and extent that they did, then that is entirely their right.

You are offering your friendship, it's not an investment with dividends and a guarantee of returns year-on-year.

If you are a true friend, you offer your friendship willingly and freely with no expectation of anything in return.

If you are spending your time weighing up the attention you have received in proportion that to the attention you have outlaid, you are going to find yourself miserable, frustrated and cynical.

This is not what friendship actually is - maybe that is why you are finding yourself 'let down'. as you perceive it.

If you lower your expectations of what your friendship should give you, you'll be less likely to find friends not living up to what you think they should be giving to you in return.

[thelewisgang]

I had to smile (a little) when I read your post Scarlett as I had an incident with a friend recently. I collapsed a few weeks ago in a local shop & an ambulance was called. Because my blood pressure had dropped considerably, I was taken to hospital. This long standing & distant "friend" had sent me a text at this time & because I hadn't answered her she sent me further messages with snide remarks about the absence of my reply. Eventually, several hours later I messaged her & told her I wasn't happy about her comments & she called me sad & bitter & that I couldn't take a joke! I felt very poorly & texting was the last thing on my mind at the time but according to her I should have replied to tell her I wasn't well. This is from someone who I could wait over a day for a reply to my text but I always used to think she was probably busy & would reply when she could. Friends have told me it is her loss but her spitefulness was so out of character & it upset me greatly at the time. Sadly, I have now blocked her & moved on

[nailit]

Scarlett, Ive had my fair share of friends, lovers, and even family members that have dumped on me from a great height. Been cheated on, friends that have cut me off for no apparent reason, family members that Ive been there for with their problems but stopped talking to me during my own exact same problems.
Humans are complicated animals and I'm just learning, now, to deal with it. Got no answers except to say **** it. Actually had an example recently of a family member who cut me out of their life, ringing my mum to ask ME if I would help out with a particular situation regarding their dad (who also has cut me off). My answer was 2 words and the second word was off.
Just learning to deal with this kind of *** myself but lifes about learning things in my own philosophy, and I'm learning to say no to ass holes, family, friends or otherwise.

[Tilly2]

I must live in cloud cuckoo land. Some people, other than me, seem to have very complicated lives.

How do you get yourselves into this state?

[andy-hughes]

thelewisegang - I am sorry to read of your experience.

I think you have fallen prey to the twin monsters of modern society - constant contact availability expected, and written messages misunderstood.

Hopefully you can get together with your friend for a face-to-face conversation - remember those - and sort out what went wrong.

[anneasquith]

The trick is you learn who are acquaintances and who are true friends .

[chrissa1]

I have posted on here before about this, (about 5 years ago). I have been close friends with three couples and have known them since my first year of marriage, 1976.

We were all really close, went out for meals every Friday night, had dinner parties together and went on holiday together.

My husband died in February of 2011 and since then, apart from a couple of New Year’s Eve drinks parties, I haven’t seen hide nor hair of them.

They never contact me, never ask me round for a drink or a coffee, and when I accidentally saw some pictures of their son’s 50th birthday party, to which I wasn’t invited on Facebook, and saw people there who were never as close friends to them as my husband and I were, I tactfully brought it to their attention. I was told that it was a just close family that had been invited and when I mentioned in an email that I saw, ****** ****** I was told that, that was why she hated Facebook.

Their son whose party it was is handicapped and adored my late husband, who used to take him to Showaddywaddy concerts and Limdisfarne concerts, when he could.

I have no idea what has gone wrong and think about it, often.

That’s life, I guess. Very sad.

[jennyjoan]

Chrissa - the same thing happened to two of my friends who became single - their "couple" friends ended their relationship too.

[chrissa1]

I just don’t understand, why jj. If I was in the other camp as it were, I would look after my widowed friend.

[Prudie]

That is very hurtful chrissa, unforgivable in fact. I have experienced a lot of what you describe scarleett but not since school however it left a lasting effect on me so I can count best girlfriends on 2 fingers. I think women are the most likely sex to behave like this.

[anneasquith]

Chrissa, that is so sad , I wonder if they actually feel embarrassed about their behaviour towards you.Lesson learned though, not true friends .

[Mamyalynne]

I've noticed that many can't handle a singleton as part of a group after a death or even a divorce - whether they are seen as a threat or folk just find it uncomfortable,I don't know.

[chrissa1]

Thanks, Prudie. I shouldn’t let it get to me, but I think it crosses my mind, every day.

[anneasquith]

Isn't it awful how we humans can hurt each other sometimes ?

[chrissa1]

They could have done something about it though. I mean 40 years of friendship! I know I could ring them and ask myself round for a coffee, but the last time I emailed and mentioned getting together for a coffee or lunch, I was told that they were very busy and going on holiday.