Is Being A Top In A Bdsm Relationship Really About Empowerment?

[rowanwitch]

Just thinking about this, a friend used to say she liked being dominant as she was able to work through a lot of bad stuff from her life She wouldn't switch roles because of early abuse but did say she enjoyed the responsibility for her partner. He used to say it was all about freedom, when you are completely disempowered in a safe space it is the nearest thing to total freedom. For me it was just a bit of a laugh between consenting adults. What do others think

[jim360]

"a friend", huh... :P

There's rather a lot of responsibility that comes with being a top, of course, as it's all about respecting the boundaries of the submissive; equally, the sub is the one who's in real control, since anything that happens is by definition what they are allowing to happen (in a proper BDSM session, that is).

[Sqad]

I have never yearned to be dominated BUT I have met many (well three) who wanted me to dominate them.
No1 we had been to see the film Straw Dogs (Dustin Hoffman, Julie Christie and the rape scene) and she asked me to throw her on the bed and rape her......it was a miserable failure, but mates ave mine have found it exciting.
No2 was a nurse who asked me to hit her and throw her onto the bed.......i didn't get to base 1...i couldn't hit her.
No3..wanted me to tie her to the bed, which i did,but we ended up laughing...a miserable failure.
SO.....BDSM was never for sqad.

I have never looked upon sex as freedom, but something that was pleasurable......and enjoyed it.

[douglas9401]

Does nowt for me.

[naomi24]

//Does nowt for me.//

Nor me. Creepy.

[jim360]

Guess you two are made for each other then :)

[rowanwitch]

No need for nudge nudge etc I have never hidden that was part of my murky past. the friends I mention dont even use a safe word because they plan their scenes so well and understand each others limits. My previous was more into punishment for minor misdemeanors so part of the game was getting him to do some housework and punishing him for the bits he missed.

[Kromovaracun]

// Nothing creepy about being tied up and hung from a ceiling fan//

That... does not sound secure.

[jim360]

Apologies for the nudge-nudge -- I wasn't aware of your past but in any case it doesn't really matter. Just wanted to be a little cheeky before getting down to a serious answer.

[Sqad]

LOL..LOL.
Well......a mate of mine and his mistress had a particular scenario that they both swore by. He would phone and tell her that he would drop inin say, 30 mins and she should be in her lounge, with her hair up in a bun, glasses on and reading a book.
He would park the car around the corner, sneak up to the back of the house and peer in through the window..unseen.
He would then burst into the house, pull her to the floor, demand that she takes off her glasses and tells her that if she does what she is told, she won't be hurt. He then drags her struggling into the bedroom and he rapes her (sort of).
They both swear that they (love it)

[Kromovaracun]

Somebody once asked me to treat him as a slave. He wanted me to deliberately leave my place dirty and my laundry undone so that he could clean it and wash my clothes.

I know it's not quite within the realm of BDSM but I didn't find the prospect very sexy. "Phwwooar do my ironing."

[rowanwitch]

Never tried that one doesnt it tangle up the on off cord

[rowanwitch]

But it does get the house cleaned, they get off on it and you dont have to pay a cleaner. Have to say I usually let mine (I will call him Norman for ease of understanding) get away with hoovering and washing up. But he was always a bad boy and .....
What I didnt get into though even when I had the chance was to take on a slave. I didnt want that level of responsibility. I know he wanted to go to clubs ' in collar ' but that was a bit much.

[rowanwitch]

Like a cheesewire ..fan cords

[Kromovaracun]

//But it does get the house cleaned, they get off on it and you dont have to pay a cleaner. //

Thing is, I wasn't living in a big place and didn't really want to let it get dirty just so he could clean it. Plus who wants to let laundry pile up and stink? Gross.

[AuntLydia]

Good Grief I had to google Bdsm what a sheltered life I've led.

Just my (old fashioned probably) opinion but if you have to have pseudo violence or ascendancy for sexual gratification with your partner there is something fundamentally wrong in the relationship.