I Don't Know Where To Start - Background Is On Here Somewhere.

[jourdain2]

Life has burst apart, courtesy of Son-in-Law, who was discovered, in July, to be sleeping with Ladies of Easy Virtue. 2 children - boy (9) and girl (7). On its own this is bad enough - and some of you will have seen my earlier post about grandson being admitted to psychiatric unit after attacking his mum.
Going from bad to worse. Divorce now likely to be bitterly fought out in the courts and all my savings for my old age will have to go to pay for it. No-one could look after the kids on Friday - he was away, she had to work. I abandoned Mr J2 Thurs. and baby sat. Taught boy his 12x table and girl to sight read music (middle to upper C - she's very musical).
Sat. a.m. Daughter obsessively doing maths GCSE papers (needs to train as a teacher). Screams emanate from playroom where granddaughter was practising the tunes I'd taught. I went to find grandson kicking hells bells out of little girl (curled up defensively on the floor)and shouting 'I'll F...ing kill you'.
Needless to say, I took prompt action. He fled to his bedroom. I pinned him down in there - stripped his stickers from his door and left him there for a few hours for parents to deal with.

Daughter is seeking excuses (!) in that boy has been bullied at school. I'm treading a fine line here and frightened to death for my gentle, musical granddaughter. I don't expect anyone can solve this, but any comments will be helpful. Grandson is now thoroughly scared of me if that helps. It's horrible.

[murraymints]

offer ^^

[anneasquith]

N o young child should be afraid of their grandmother !!!!

[jim360]

There's way too much history and background to this that no-one on AB can be party to. I agree that you shouldn't allow your savings to be swallowed up in divorce proceedings, even if they are your daughter's, if you can help it.

If you'll forgive me, jourdain, I also can't help but wonder if there's a connection between the fear your grandson has of you, and the fear he seems determined to inspire in others through his bullying. I don't mean this as a criticism, but perhaps it's something worth reflecting on.

[jourdain2]

Annea. He's not - until he misbehaves. We'd had a perfectly pleasant day the day before.

[jourdain2]

I don't think so Jim. I scarcely saw him until he was 6 or so - I lived in France. He only ever came for holidays with his parents. I've seen him very little since. I ,however, pick him up when he misbehaves - parents have been very lax i.m.o. and talked to him interminably when he did something naughty instead of sending him to his room, taking a toy off him etc.. He knows I will not tolerate misbehaviour and is generally well-behaved and even pleasant with me. The day before this episode we'd had a very interesting conversation about the difference between hips and haws and how the Tudor rose came to be designed. At the moment I don't really care about why he is as he is - it's the granddaughter I'm worried about.


He has been bullied at school last year and that seems to be where he's got this way of exercising power from. I'm advising daughter to ask the school to get an Ed. Psych. to him.

[Old_Geezer]

"tell her to kick him 'where it hurts most' he will never bully again."
Unlikely. Would more likely convince a bully to ensure that wouldn't happen next time. It needs persuasion to solve. Understanding motives, and more adult surveillance until it wasn't an issue any more.

[jourdain2]

Thanks O_G. I feel that he must not be allowed to be alone with little sister. This is difficult to arrange however.

[anneasquith]

Surely that is the parents duty to do the supervising ?

[Rockrose]

The comment where you said you pinned him down in his room can you please explain.

[hereIam]

I'm with everybody on here who says do not pay for the divorce. They are adults and should be able to sort it for themselves, it's not your problem. Just be there for the children who obviously both need some sort of help. I really, really feel for you.

[AuntLydia]

Well I'm playing devils avocate, you wanted comments so here goes. I see an overbearing Mother /Grandmother who doles out corporal punishment to one of her grandchilden despite the parents not agreeing or doing this to their child. You pin a small child onto the floor then lock him in his room. You must be offering to pay for this divorce despite the fact its frankly not your place to interfere and absolutely not your place to pay for it. This makes me think control is a very important factor in your life. I think you need to take a step back and a deep breath and let them get on with it. Offer to take your grand-daughter as and when you can to relieve the pressure on your daughter and SIL, but apart from that let them get on with their lives,-its not your business.

[Mamyalynne]

I certainly can't offer much in the way of advice, my own Daughter's divorce was quite speedy, relatively amicable and cost very little.

Regarding the Grandson, hellishly difficult without knowing what triggers him , I think someone asked earlier but has he been checked for being on the autistic spectrum.

With 4 of them that are in the family, I know things can get fraught - smells,sounds, can set panic off and the resultant flailing when trying to calm them can be a risky exercise.

None of the above is in any way an excuse for violence to others, but it certainly sounds like he has a lot to be angry about and your poor Granddaughter is caught in the crossfire.

I pray there's some respite from all this grief soon.

[Jackdaw33]

AL @17:21. Spot on, my thoughts exactly.

[choux]

AL - if it is family then of course it is her business. How can jourdain not be affected by all of this? At the rate the boy's behaviour is allegedly descending Social Services might very well be involved in due course.

It is not clear to me if jourdain's daughter wants the help and support of her mother, but assuming she does then some plan of action has to be agreed between them.

Whatever action is taken I doubt that there will be any resolution soon.

[Rockrose]

Siblings fight its the way of the world, my own brothers tied me to a chair and tried to burn me as a witch I have also lost count of the number of times one of us have screamed I’m going to kill you.
To pin a child down is wrong and not your place. Your daughter needs to get a backbone and manage her home and children

[ummmm]

Unlikely SS will get involved.

[AuntLydia]

choux I don't agree. A grandparent is extended family and as such should be there in a supportive role only, if needed and asked. I don't know the backstory. Maybe the daughter is relying on her mother to sort this out both financially and emotionally. My comments were on the information given in the OP and my feelings that its not the place of a grandparent to give physical punishment and confinement to her granchild, nor interfere in a child's marriage.

[choux]

I certainly believe that there have been huge strides in parenting techniques over recent generations. The phrase "spare the rod and spoil the child" is archaic now.

[Patsy33]

I'm sorry for this awful situation Jourdain, I suspect you've always sorted your daughter's problems out, and feel it's your place to do so. I agree with others on here, not to put your life savings into this court case. I think you'll regret it. Let the adults sort it out. Take a step back. All the best.

[jourdain2]

People seem to have massively misunderstood the phrase 'pinned down' - sorry for delay. NOTHING physical took place. It never has done - where did you all get that from? I yelled at him and pulled him away from little girl; he took one look at my face and fled to his bedroom. He was 'pinned down' in there in the sense of not being allowed to exit. Either I wasn't clear enough or some of you have some minds suspecting awful things. I'm actually very offended - you should know me better than that by now. You make me sound like some Victorian Dr. Thrasher!


ALL the family is behind me in all my actions. I am going over on Friday (by request) to babysit yet again whilst, Halleluljah!, parents go for mediation. I think I'll close this thread now. Very disappointed in some people.