I Need To Toughen Up But How?

[GymLadTim]

I was involved in an incident last weekend that has shaken me to my core and made me realise I need to grow a thicker skin but how – I care about people but fall apart when dealing with any conflict or verbal aggression?

I was walking in my hometown of Hanley last Saturday on one of the busiest shopping streets. I was horrified to see a man openly emptying his colostomy bag into a public drain – (one of the ones at the edge of a road). I thought don’t judge him Tim it may be a medical emergency. I went over to the man and asked if I could offer any support (very calmly and politely). I won’t repeat his reply but it was not pleasant. I explained (still calm and polite) and possibly illegal. The gentleman was very abusive calling me names that I won’t repeat. He then began to follow me shouting abuse and I ran away.

I went to my mom’s and explained what had happened. I then just burst into tears in my moms arms and I have been emotional about it since. A few weeks ago I was involved in a very similar incident in KFC. I heard a mom telling her son that he was her second favourite behind his brother. I said something and the whole thing escalated. My mom says I should that if there was not a good reason why he was doing this it was inappropriate, unacceptable mind my own business and my friend Kelly says I need to toughen up.

I’m 21 years old and soft like marshmallow inside but have a good heart. Has anyone else had to toughen up and how did you do it?

[ummmm]

If I said that to one of mine, and I have on many occasions, they know I'm joking.

[GymLadTim]

I'm pretty sure the mum was serious.

[andy-hughes]

GLT - I think you are missing the point I am making to you.

You may have the very best motives in the world in terms of trying to help people, but if you approach a stranger in the street and raise questions about their behaviour, it is not going to end well.

That's not how it should be - but that is how it is.

You cannot change the society you live in, but you need to adapt your approach if you want to avoid conflict such as you have experienced thus far.

[ummmm]

You don't know them so you can't be sure at all.

[GymLadTim]

Thanks Andy I will reflect on your advice.

[JimF]

You've completely missed the point! Could you truly not see how embarrassed the old man must have been at having to perform this undignified operation in a public place? The absolute last thing he would have wanted would have been anyone talking to him about it. You had absolutely no business doing what you did! If you truly can't see that, then you need to see a psychiatrist!

[andy-hughes]

Woa, steady jim!

This is a young man looking for a little advice, let's not jump all over him shall we?

Everyone makes mistakes, that's why they put rubbers on the end of pencils, I am sure GLT is going to take on all the posts and think about his way forward.

[Peter Pedant]

colostomy bag down a drain ....
actually ileostomy bag down the drain ....this is very liquiddy
and if you dont empty it it irreversibly stains your clothes.(*) Colostomies are er more solid and work intermittently ( sorry enough detail about that)

having HAD an ileostomy for 6 mo ( it was a pretty terrible 6 months) you dont do it in public unless it is gonna pop [bag splat]
I think I would have used a waist high waste bin.
and having splatted , how on earth do you get home to clean up? Taxis not surprisingly wont take you.

People dont say - oo can I help you empty your ileostomy? - ever. It doesnt occur. What they do say, in kinda midsplat " foo ! you meant to be doing dat or is it against da law?" or " dat not legal dat not!" I can state categorically that this is no help at all.

and yes I can tell you - it drives the ileostomy owner up the wall.

and I confess, blushing ( but I am all right now!) that I have said:
"God, I hope you get cancer and when you are in difficulty, someone comes up and "helps" with - "you not do dat dat against the law!"
(it didnt shut them up you know, they went on blaarting like a good 'un. o god, lardy da, yap yap yap never ending)

(*) green sticky stuff which if it spills onto a yellow towel, stains it ..... jet black

oh and the would be helper stares at the ileostomy spout as tho you are some sort of freak show ....

oh, talking about drains
I did get "what you doing den?"
and since I was squatting over a drain with my trousers around my ankles, I replied
I am crapping in a drain - what does it look like?

[andy-hughes]

GLT - // Thanks Andy I will reflect on your advice. //

You're welcome - remember, what you transmit with the best of intentions, is not always received in the same way!!

Good luck!

[woofgang]

Having had dealings with people with all kinds of ostomies, what you DO NOT EVER DO. EVER. is approach them when they are in a nasty crisis situation and tell them that what they are doing is inappropriate and illegal. Personally I don't think you have a good heart. I am not going to make any further comments about what I think about your personality and behaviour; but I do think you need to learn to not judge (and by your own report of your behaviour, you were judging) and to MYOB.

[GymLadTim]

I apologise to the people my question has offended.

[andy-hughes]

Don't worry GLT, we are a robust lot on here, I doubt you've offended anyone.

Hopefully most of the advice has helped.

[Mamyalynne]

You'll learn as you grow that your well meaning is viewed as busybody interference.

My Husband wouldn't have sworn at you but asked you what you proposed to do during that crisis.

Help Ladies off the bus with prams and/or shopping.

That may go better.

[GymLadTim]

Thanks for your help everyone - time for my beauty sleep goodnight.

[woofgang]

Because you noticed and approached him and talked about it. Have you got any idea how embarassing that would have been? No obviously you haven't...and then comes the judging...by your own admission, you said to him that "that his behaviour was unacceptable, undignified and possibly illegal" I mean do you think he thought...."I know what I can do to make my already difficult life better....I will go and empty my appliance in a public place".

[ummmm]

I find it hard to believe a 20 year old breaks down in his mothers arms.

[sherrardk]

You’ve inviting people to make comment on your behaviour and you appear to be hurt by the replies so maybe you can imagine how the people who you interacted with felt when you gave them your unsolicited ‘advice’.