Father And Son Help Please, Thanks!A

[xAsh]

Ok, here's the deal. I don't know what to type but here goes i guess...

I'm 17 nearly 18 male from Portsmouth, Uk,, and i'm quite often having a good time with my dad, we laugh and that, we are football fanatics (Portsmouth FC Fans), we love our footy, that's all that's in common, but when we do argue it's really bad, i mean he winds me up by doing stupid things, and i say bad things that i regret. Last night i said something about his mum and my nan and i loved her to bits, he was upset. The thing is, i love my dad to bits, sure he sometimes shouts and that as he's had some big problems too. but he's given me what i ever wanted and i think what i say/my tantrums (immature really) will split this family up as ive also got two little brothers aged 10 and 6.

I don't know why, but i find it hard to give him hugs etc because he doesnt open up i feel...how can i give him ahug, it sound stupid but i guess i have some intimacy cuddling and opening up issues i cant do, how can i overcome them so to speak?

Also, is there any ways in which you control your anger that may help me? I dont want to split this family up because of my anger problems, and i dont do it to appear big, i just can not help it. How can i overcome my anger?

Is there any tecniques that i can try? because it's pathetic really as im nearly 18, and ive got an anger problem that i cant control, its non violent i mean, its jus verbal and im not a horrible person..

Sorry it's too long this post, but any help in general about the above thread would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for your help in advance

Night, ill check if theres some replies in the morning (if there is some tho).

[littlemissx]

Hi Ash,

first things first.... you're already taking your first steps to helping yourself by admitting you have a problem and do need help.

are you at college or do you work?? if you are at college how about talking to the college counseller??? i dont mean have counselling sessions necessarily but sometimes its easier to speak to someone outside the family for advice.

i'm not a massive fan to all the emotional sides of relationships either whether it be with my parents or a partner so i can understand what you mean by the not hugging etc and i'm sure you're parents know you're not so dont worry about that bit.

how about talking to yuor dad one day when its all calm.... apologise for what you said about your nan and explain to him exactly what you have said in this message?? maybe show him it or write a letter??

i think your post proves that you arent a bad person but maybe you just need a little guidance on your way.

if you need to chat mail me on ******************

ps... i'm only 20 myself so i'm not some old bag going on lol

[Octavius]

This is probably the lamest response you will have, but why don't you just sit down with your dad and have this chat with him. Everyone gets angry and says things that they regret afterwards, it has nothing to do with your age, it just happens. Eventually you learn to bite your tongue in certain situations. I am sure that your dad knew you didn't really mean to hurt him but maybe this just triggered some emotion or stress related issues that he has been storing up for a while.

I never had a 'huggy' type relationship with my dad we just had a bond which said it all, without the physical need. I had enormous respect for my dad. Even though we never had a great deal in common (he supported Man U for one, and I am an Arsenal fan) we would always take time to show interest in each others separate interests and jobs etc.

Have a chat with your dad, explain your concerns about your own behaviour, you never know he might be able to answer or help with your anger problems.

Although I am sure there must have been other times, the only time I actually remember hugging (and even gave him a kiss) was when he was dying in hospital.

[funnywebsite]

You can look up where you can get anger management classes. I have heard of these and this is something that will help you. You say your dad shouts. Does he shout more than you think reasonable? Maybe you picked your bad temper up from him. You seem to have a good time with him when you watch football but does he hug you ever? If he doesn't do it then it is the way he has brought you up and you cannot hug him when he has never hugged you. It is hard at your age because of you emotions and your testosterone levels must be high. I do remember reading a book about exercise burns up testosterone so exercise will help you calm down, play football as well as watch it, go jogging, cycling or take up some other exercise. It will get better with time as long as you learn to control your temper.

[xAsh]

ok, thanks for the helpful replies.

Yeah, i'm at college. So i might speak to one of the counseillers and take up different exercises too to get my mind off things.

And no, my dad has never shouted at me for nothing, i's always been for my own good, he's a funny dad, and sometimes he does want to hug me, but i sometimes get embarresed etc..

It's a lot better today, we're talking and i probably will do some things you guys said.

Thanks for your help and all the best.

[brachiopod]

Saw this at work earlier, but didn't have time to answer. I don't normally come into Body & Soul very often, I'm normally found lurking around Science and Music. I'm not really a particularly open person when it comes to feelings etc. And I'm not one of those people that everyone comes to for advice, a 'little chat' etc. etc. - I'm not very good at that sort of thing.

We have all been the "stroppy teenager" and I suppose this is growing up. Even at 17 and 18, we are learning a new or the next phase of independance and this can conflict with our established feelings about our family etc.

So, my point is; I thought you actually showed great maturity in your question, your acceptance of your part in the situation, and your desire to do something about it. I'm afraid I have no answers, but I have confidence you'll work it out together.

God! that sounds patronising, but it's really not meant to be. Nor am i trying to do the "you'll find out one day" or "I'm older and therefore know more". Just want to say Good Luck - you'll sort it out, I'm sure.

[scatty mare]

Just echoing brachiopod's sentiments really! Read your post last night, but wasn't able to answer. I'd say more, but don't want to be thought of as "some old bag going on" (!) I think everyone's opinion is potentially helpful, even those of us who are old enough to be going through a similar situation with their own children. All the best, Ash!

[tell-me-more]

I think the first thing to do is stop supporting Pompey.

[xx cutie xx]

come on pompey!!!!