Advice welcome

[Rubyrose]

Hello all. I'm back for a while. Recently (20th Dec) my boyfriend of 5yrs broke up with me as he said he was no longer in love with me. He claims he still loves me and cares for me and fancies me though. Then a week later I found out he actually fancies a girl at his work! He swears blind he never cheated on me and everyone who knows him has said the same as he isnt the kind of guy who can live with the guilt. He realised he fancied her and this scared him so he broke up with me until he knows what he wants. All this said and done I had a crap xmas and new year. I have only just started feeling positive again and am reading a book called 'How to get your ex back'... the book does state that its not 100% successful but its more about focusing on yourself and finding closure. I have to do one month 'no contact' and 30 mins excersise a day. This is day 1... lol. I just wondered of anyone else had any more advice for me?

Many thanks in adcvance. (I'm not after pity... just positiveness) xxxxx

[ELVIS68]

My motto is........ Live for today as yesterday is history and history is old news, and today is the present and present means a gift.

speaking of gifts.....where`s my Xmas present?

[Rubyrose]

Haha Elvis you're such a CF!

I will give it too you soon enough hun.

[ELVIS68]

Look forward to getting it....any clues as to what it is?

[lady_p_gold]

Well the first thing I would say is at least he was honest in a way and instead of thinking about this other girl he felt it only fair to stop seeing you until he had sorted his feelings out. I don't think a lot of guys would do that. Also if you have been together for five years, of course a certain comfort and familiarity can creep in, which in a way is nice, but a new person on the scene can trigger powerful feelings and if he was feeling them then I suppose he could not help it and it was the way he dealt with the situation that you need to look at. I do not think you should 'try and get your ex back'. There is not really a lot of future if he does not come back willingly ... and you never know what the future may hold. I would think of the fact that you had a five year relationship and learned and grew, and someone once said to me 'the things you learn in one relationship you can only put into practice in the next'. I think it is right to focus on yourself and you do not say how old you are, but I think you are quite young, and not a lot of relationships that start very young go on from then until enternity ... often now we have a series of hopefully meaningful relationships which have different areas of success and failure, and as long as you always treat people as you would wish to be treated then you will find that you will find another loving relationship will come to you when it is time ...... in the meantime enjoy a bit of freedom and pamper yourself !!!

[Rubyrose]

Thanks hun thats good advice. Im trying to look at it from all angles here. At the moment the thing giving me a glimmer of hope is the fact that I may get him back but I understand he may not want that and even if he was to come back I may have moved on or not want him coz the damage has been done. I am only 21 and had been with him since I was 16 and he was 19. He is now 24.

[dannydingbat]

Rubyrose,

I was in precisely this position when I was 22 and she was 18. We had been going out for 2 years when I really fancied this girl at the office I worked at. I wasn't really unhappy with Girlfriend 1, just too comfortable I suppose and took things for granted. I started making excuses to be out and near her. In the end, I hated the guilt so finished with Girlfriend 1 and she moved away back home (250 miles away). Needless to say, I did not get the other girl, she was more interested in other things and people. I hung around and went out with a few girls and was reasonably happy but it wasn't like it was with the first girl. After a year, she called me and asked how I was. We arranged to meet in a neutral town for a weekend and it was clear things could be the same as they were before and it would be a mistake to be apart. We got together, lived together for 2 years and got married. That was 32 years ago and we are still with each other. We had two kids, now 29 and 26. If you think about it, its really unnatural for 2 people to find each other and feel the same level of wanting for ever. Someone eventually is going to feel the relationship is over before the other. All I can say is he as done you a favour by telling you that he has reached that point. However, whenever things are not going well and he is unfulfilled, he will remember all the good things you had going together. Believe me, he will never forget his time with you. He will think about you at least once a day, probably every ten minutes or so at times. It is likely that he will contact you again and it will be for you to decide what will happen then. If it is meant to be, it will be. If it is not, best to move on.

[dannydingbat]

(Continued)

By the way, I saw the office girl the other day after a gap of 30 odd years. Without elaborating, I made the right decision!! I hope this has helped.

[gucciman]

hi ruby

unless you have emotions of stone then being dumped can be the most painful thing in the world. i made the mistake of trying to get my x back, most of us probably have. the thing is that they stop loving or wanting you but you still love and want them, its not nice and its hard to move on, but moving on is usually the best.

he may say he still has feelings for you but be careful that hes not saying this just to keep you waiting in the wings in case this new girl oesn't want him.

get out with some of your mates on a girlie night out and try to forget him

[Rubyrose]

Thanks Danny, That did help and it has given me hope. I know he needs space now so that is what I am giving him. I am giving him time to miss me and think about me. Plus he is still living in the house we rented together so its hard for him not to think of me. He has promised that he would never take this new girl to our house. The lease is up in March and he is moving back home so he can take her there instead. Its going to be tough but I have to give him time. The more I push, the more he will pull away.

Hey Gucciman, Thanks to you too. I have been so down these last 2 weeks and felt like the pain was never ending but I realised that unless I actually start thinking positive then I could feel like that forever.

I do believe he isn't stringing me along as before we got together he got his heart broken and his ex told him everyday that they would get back together and this gave him false hope. Then when I met him I pulled him out of depression and we became great friends and then lovers. He has told me that he has to be honest with me about his feelings as the one thing he doesnt want to do is lead me on and give me false hope. I cant really be mad at him because he has been honest with me. He wasnt honest about his feelings towards this girl when we was together but he told me he thought they would pass and that we could work through it. I think the longer he bottled it up inside the worse it got. I just hope that we can work things out and make things better between us. We have both said we will always be friends no matter what happens but for now we need to cool off and have some time apart.

Thanks everyone for your advice. xxxxx