Friendships- Why bother?

[Drusilla]

My elder daughter is nine and concerned I don't socialise a great deal. I refuse invitations to parties held by the parents of her friends and seldom indulge in chat with other mums outside her school.
I attend the cinema and theatre on my own since my divorce and only see my two long standing friends about half a dozen times a year each.
Last nights chat has got me thinking my daughter believes I'm odd, so I thought I'd check up.
How many friends is a thirty five year old mother of two expected to have?

[Drisgirl]

I know a lot of people who have lots of superficial friends - who then tittle tattle and b!tch behind each others back.

I have 2 or 3 very close friends who I would trust with my life.I, like you Drusilla was not the type to go to the school gates half an hour before the kids came out to have a gossip.(I worked full time anyway but on the odd day I was off)

I am not someone who can readily open up due to a lack of trust so I am quite happy with the true friends I keep up with given we all have our own lives to lead.

Just do what you are comfortable with Drusilla.

[kick3m0n]

well as a 35 year old mother on one, I've got 3 or 4 very good friends, two of whom I've known nearly all my life. We don't get to see each other all that often, but we keep in touch by phone and e-mail. Through my son (who's 2.5) I know a lot of other mums in the village and we do activities together with the kids. We have coffee and play dates, but they are not friends in the same way as my other friends, and we don't socialise without the kids there. Socially, I have a wider circle of friends whom I'm linked to through the only one of my best friends who stays nearby, and we go out maybe 5 or 6 times a year. other than that, most of my socialising is with my partner, when a Granny is available to babysit, but not more than 3 or 4 tiems a year. I don't yearn for nights out much, and have always preferred the quiet life, as it were. I think if you're happy as you are, then that is perfectly normal, and acceptable for you.

[mydogsandme]

Hi Drusilla- I've never been one to have a lot of friends- in fact I've only started getting out more now my kids are grown and I'm in my 40's. I was quite glad when my girls got old enough to sort out their own friendships without needing a mum to supervise who's playing where and you have to get on with their mums and then the kids fall out blah blah.... I had what I thought was a close friend while my kids were young who had girls the same age but after a very nasty incident I realised it was really based around the kids and as they grew apart so had we. A couple of close friends who stay with you are worth a ton of aquaintances who'll drop you when the next comes along. I don't think you're odd at all and well done on going out on your own- I go shopping alone and will go and have lunch somewhere and didn't think about it until someone told me they'd never do that! Be yourself, it's why we like you and if you should look for a friend can I put in an application? :)

[spudqueen]

I have a couple of close longstanding friends, one who I've known for 25+ years, the other I met at toddlers when my eldest son (now 14) was only months old. Since moving to where I now live 3 1/2 years ago I have become very friendly with one of my neighbours and have been welcomed into her circle of friends. We go to the quiz night in the local pub once a week, which I really enjoy. I think that having these friends enriches my life and the life of my family as my children are good friends with the children of my friends and my husband enjoys a weekly pint with the husbands of the women I know locally. We have been on holiday with both my long standing friends and their families a few times and a few weekends away with our local friends. So I would say that no, you don't necessarily need many close friends. Why though don't you chat to other Mums outside your daughters school? A few civil words doesn't cost you anything and personally I've always found that sort of chit chat can be useful with people telling you what's going on in the area/school etc. Perhaps you are shy, but next time someone says a couple of words to you at the school gate you could just reply civilly and strike up a conversation, if you don't try it you don't know what you will gain from it.

[Mattk]

I think people should have as many friends as they like ie 1 or 100.I too rarely socialise and have many casual friends but none that are close and am perfectly happy.

I am quite shy by nature and am , therefore,quite standoff-ish and this is often mis-interpreted(as many shy people are).

...by the way Im 36 & married with 2 children so Im not a lonely old maaaaan !

[Lonnie]

As many friends as you feel comfortable with, from none to however many, if your happy the way you are, thats what counts.

[Drusilla]

Thank you for your answers. I'm glad I don't seem quite as odd to the over 10's.

I have to be honest and admit I don't talk to the mum's outside school because many of them seem overly interested in children's activities and not people I can have an adult conversation with. I really cannot 'do' chit-chat about this, that and nothing in particular. I suspect they think I'm a snob! Maybe, I am?

[iluvcatz]

I am sure you are more than happy with all the positive answers you have got but felt I had to add mine as well. My two sons are both in their 20's now. I am so glad to be out of all that mums chit chat stuff. I always felt other mums were trying to be friendly with me because their kids were in the same class. they were'nt interested in me at all, so I avoided where possible. Both my lads have grown up and have a small circle of friends each, so it did'nt do them any harm. I don't feel I need lots of friends, one or two special ones is for me.

[lady_p_gold]

Don't give it a second thought .... I never wanted to have 'friends' as such and although I enjoy going out sometimes and having a good night out, I have no need or desire for someone popping round or accompanying me shopping. My mother is the same, its just the way your personality is, and from what I have learned of you on here (over the weeks and months) you are highly intelligent and well rounded in an intellectual sense. When I was at school do's I could not wait to escape. I was so thankful when my children left school that I would never again have to pass a metal ring along a piece of wire without it buzzing or eat a fingerprinted iced cake at a bazaar !!! Not only that but you have made difficult decisions to follow the path you think is right for you, whereas many do not have the courage or conviction.

[Altosruleok]

My only reservation here, as the daughter of a mother who didn't socialise, is that I grew up not knowing how to socialise, because the example was never set. I desperately wanted to, but felt that our family just didn't do that kind of thing, and so felt "different" from the more sociable children and later teenagers.
Also, my parents, because they didn't have a good social life of their own, and becuase I was an only child, built their lives around me. And this is a very big responsibility to grow up with.
I can understand completely your view that if you don't want a lot of friends, then there's no reason why should you have them. But I think that casual socialisation may make life a little easier on your daughter, particularly if she is already getting uneasy about your lifestyle.

[Dreaming]

Hi Drusilla, I am glad you posted this question. I am a 44 year of mum of 4. Been standing in the playground for years waiting to pick the children up after school. I am friendly with a couple of the mums, but I find there are certain clans of mums who always stick together. Always in the same spot! I dont socialise much either. So in that way, may be isolating myself. But it does'nt really bother me much now. I am sure others think I am a snob or miserable. One of my sons goes to football training. Now dont let me start on the select world of the football mums!

[jno]

I think Altos is right: you've chosen not to socialise, but your children may find, if they haven't been shown by your example how socialising works, that they don't quite know how to do it; so they too may end up with fewer friends - but perhaps not, like you, from choice.

Socialising isn't just the same as having friends; it's more about casual chatting, showing an interest in others, having the confidence to speak in passing even when you're not close to someone. From my own experience (similar to Altos's) I'd say these are social skills you'd normally learn from your parents; lack of them is hard to make up in later life. Perhaps your daughter intuits this?

[Drusilla]

I'm going to take on board some of the comments I have read here.
Fortunately, both my daughters take after their Dad, who is a sociable and gregarious person. Your kind comments have made me aware just how much I hung onto his coat tails and followed his lead. However, I do accept it might help my daughters social development if I made a little more effort with general chit chat.
Thank you all.

[tigerthecat]

I would describe myself as very sociable with lots of friends (some much closer than others). I am also a teacher - but I hate that 'school gate culture' and have never, ever engaged with the parents at my children's schools. I feel uncomfortable and do not want friends who are friends because our children are the same age. Perhaps this will change in the future but I do eveything to avoid it including (I admit it) hiding behind trees, waiting until after the bells gone etc..