Relationship advice

[sassenach]

I have been in a relationship for about 20 months and my boyfriend I live together, love each other and usually really enjoy each other's company. However we row a lot. We can be having a great time then there will be a disagreement which develops into a viscious row. We can't seem to stop it escalating. My problem now is that the other night we had an argument and he jumped up and put his hand round my throat and held me back whilst he shouted at me. He didn't hit me but I thought he was going to. Is this forgiveable? I don't think he would ever hit me but I never thought he would do that either. Later on he didn't apologise but came and shouted at me and said some really horrible things.

[jno]

I think your instant reaction is the right one. Physical violence - which doesn't have to involve hitting - is unacceptable. Some people, of course, may accept it from their partner; but your reaction shows that you don't. Stick to your guns on this one and don't let yourself be manoeuvred slowly into a state of mind where you gradually come to think it's okay. Tell him it must never happen again and be prepared, in a worst-case scenario, to back it up by leaving. A man who can only argue with his fists is a terrible danger to live with.

It's worth pointing out that his behaviour is already illegal.

[sassenach]

jno,

Thanks for your very helpful answer. He has since apologised and said he will never do it again and would never hurt me. It worries me though that it took him ages to get around to saying it - even as I was starting to pack my bags. I waited almost a day for him to get in touch and say something, and it turned out he was waiting for an apology from me for the row!

[jno]

hmmm, sounds as if he's got his priorities a bit muddled. Rows don't have to apologised for, violence does. It's possible his delay was caused by shame and regret.

Over to you then: on the basis of his apology, I'd give him one more chance. But only one. Many violent men do apologise each time they hit their loved ones, but that's no way to live.

[Scarlett]

He sounds like an arse. Get out now before things get even more out of control. How dare he treat you like this.

[ellesbelles]

You need to be very careful here. The first sign that you are becoming nervous of him could be in an arguement where you back down because he has shown you what he could be capable of. Also, if you throw in extra ingredients such as alcohol, this threat of violence could escalate. Perhaps you need to find different ways to sort out your differences as your present ways seem to be destructive and ultimately could destroy your relationship. Be wary - this man has given you a very unpleasant warning.