Invading someones privacy?

[Rubyrose]

In reference to Littlemissx's question. Alot of the girls on here have said they went through an ex's phone and thats how they found out they were cheating. My questions is.... why are we all apologising for it? We were the ones being lied to so why say sorry? If he wasn't cheating then you can apologise for going through his phone and being suspicious but if it turned out he was cheating... then s0d it. He deserved it!

My ex broke up with me and told me he simply wasn't in love with me anymore (after 5 yrs) and 4 days after we broke up, he was in the bath and his dad called the house phone and said he was on his way over to fix the boiler and he said called my ex's mobile and got no answer. I went upstairs and told me ex his dad would be round in 30 mins. I was calling to my ex from the bedroom where his phone was charging and I said 'You've got one missed call from your dad'. I cancelled the call and then the phone said 'one new text'.. I honestly thought it was the voicemail notice coz his dad had called. I clicked on it and it said 'Sarah Mob'... so without hesitation I opened the message. It said 'I'm all alone x'... I screamed out 'Who the f*ck is Sarah' and heard my ex jump up out of the bath! If I hadn't have read the text then I wouldn't have known about her and God only knows how I would have found out. Maybe I would have bumped into them in town together? I am not ashamed that I read the text. What he was doing was far worse. But me and my ex had always been pretty carefree about eachother seeing our phones. He would pick mine up and play games.. I would do the same with his. If he was using my phone and a text came through I would ask him to read it to me.. that sort of thing. No regrets. :o)

How many people on here have caught someone out by going through their phone? Mobiles must cause so many break-ups and divorces now. Lol.

[LazyGun]

You have said it yourself... its an invasion of privacy. As for your story, this was your partner, your loved one etcetc, and you felt it was ok to rummage through their private messages. Would you open their mail as well?

To be honest, I think it says a lot more about you than it does your ex partner ; Nosy, suspicious, jealous and mistrustful ,all of which are fairly unattractive traits. Perhaps this was why he was playing away?

The one thing that your story does illustrate is that people are way too careless about their privacy... it would seem password protection on phone and computer ought to be the norm rather than the exception nowadays.

[Rubyrose]

Wow Lazygun.. seems like you jumped the gun! Me and my ex never had a problem with privacy.. it was never something we cared for. We told eachother everything and never hid our phones from eachother. It was just the way we were. I was never the sort of girlfriend who would sneak about and read every text message and check his call records. I simply accepted that because he didn't appear to be hiding anything.. that he probably wasn't! He was in the bath when I was in the bedroom.. the next room.. I was telliing him he had a missed call from his dad and I was telling him I was cancelling it and he was listening and shouting 'Ok'. I even said 'Oh you have a text, that will be your dad aswell' and as I read it I went silent and carried on. I wanted to know who this so called 'Sarah' was, texting him. I had about a split second to decided whether to read it or not and my implulses took over and I did it. Infact I didnt even get a second to think about it. I had opened it before I could have registered that I was doing it. Clearly he never thought she would text him whilst he was with me and he wasn't actually cheating on me. He fancied her and thats why he ended things with me. Him and her had become good friends at work and he believed that he had feelings for her. It happens. Can you honestly say... 100% that if you were holding your partners phone and a text flashed up with another womans name on it... you wouldn't read it?

[joby1]

I bloody well would!

[Rubyrose]

Oh and to answer your post further Lazygun... Yes...we did used to open eachothers mail. If he knew it was my bank statement or something he would open it and I'd do the same. I wouldn't have opened anything without knowing what it was.

Nosy? Yes. Suspicious? Not until the text flashed up. Jealous? Not in a million years. Mistrustful? Never. I trusted him 100%. Seems like I was the fool.

[mrs zom]

Rubyrose...At least he finished with you before starting anything serious with her...he could've cheated and then you would've felt totally like a fool.

[Rubyrose]

Exactly Mrs Zom. I still felt like a fool anyway but I think thats natural. He ended things with me because he fancied her and they had been getting on well.. but he didn't tell me she was the reason he was ending it. He said he didnt love me anymore. When I confronted him about it all it turned out he didnt want to tell me there was anything between him and her because he hadnt told her he liked her. He took a big risk. Ending a 5yr relationship on a wim!

[LazyGun]

Probably did jump the gun a little Ruby, now I have reread the original post, so apologies for that.

Privacy is important to me, however, so my views will be somewhat different to yours.If I discovered that my girlfriend had been reading my mail without asking me first, I would be upset, and it would change my view of her as a partner.

In a spontaneous situation like you describe, I guess it would be understandable to read the message. I still think that deliberately browsing your partners telephone or computer for messages, or opening private post would be an unattractive trait, and is symptomatic of mistrust or jealousy.

[Rubyrose]

I can understand the total lack of trust in the plotting to looks through someone personals to find something. But.. my case is... no-one here has said they suspected their partner was cheating and looked through their phone and DIDN'T find anything. Most of them are saying they looked through it and DID find something. So surely the lack of trust can be forgiven because the partner WAS infact cheating? I was with my ex for 5yrs and never once did I not trust him. I honestly completely trusted him and he trusted me. We didn't start the relationship by opening eachothers mail or reading eachothers mobiles from day one.. its just a pattern we fell into over time. I wouldn't have cared if I had come home and he had opened my bank statements. At the beginning of the relationship.. we used to swap phones. I would have his for the day and he would have mine. Total trust.

[whiskeysheri]

I found a mobile phone (that was on, on silent and with a new text) hidden in my boyfriend's underwear drawer. I wasn't snooping, I never had a reason to, or so I believed.

I knew it was suspicious (who has two phones- one of which hidden?), so I opened the text and found he'd been cheating. I'm not sorry for reading that text though, he was the one at fault... x

[LazyGun]

I am of the view that total trust is a requirement for a successful relationship, and your comments about swapping phones etc is a nice one ruby. Once trust is gone however, the relationship is to all intents and purposes over, in my view. You may as well separate and move on to pastures new at that point, unless kids etc are involved.

I suppose it might be understandable to read private messages in an effort to provide proof of an existing suspicion, but over the years I have also seen comments about reading partners mail that is down to pure nosiness and/or obsessive jealousy, and I have no sympathy for either of those motives.

As I have already mentioned though, I personally am extremely independant, and I place a high value on my privacy. In my own relationships, a fair degree of personal space is an absolute necessity :)

[sense4all]

Well put me at the top of the privacy invasion register! lol While you're at it put Mr Sense @ No2, We open ALL of each others mail, answer each others phones etc etc If he needs to keep something that private, I am of the opinion he probably shouldn't be doing it! How can a relationship function otherwise? Isn't openess a display of trust? I think that if someone craved their privacy soooooo much I would have parted company at the dating stage - to me that is just plain odd.It's not like I probe his thoughts when he is asleep. Colour me peculiar I have broad shoulders! We have been together for twenty years.

[Maggie-Mae]

Well Rubyrose Im with you on this one. I went through my ex's phone found when I became suspicious he was cheating on me. Although I had previously confronted him, I didnt believe him and decided to take matters into my own hands. And I feel I was right to, because, yes the w****** was cheating on me. I refuse to be taken for some kind of fool and just believe what ever someone tells me when its quite obvious from their actions that they are not being honest. Some people find it very very easy to lie. And in reply to Lazyguns comments about being nosy, suspicious and mistrustful, well some people give you every reason to feel like that - should someone just turn a blind eye when they feel their partner is being unfaithful to them just because the offending partner would feel their privacy was violated. What about the feelings of the person who is being cheated on. If someone is cheating on you, then their are being disrepectful to you - so why should they feel like they deserve any themselves. I have never and would never cheat on a partner - but if they do it to me, then the gloves are off as far as Im concerned!

[LazyGun]

Maggie, I agree with you that some partners can give you reason to feel that way, and you will note that I did say it is understandable that in those circumstances people may wish to find proof of their suspicions.

My question is this though... if your partner is giving you reason to feel that way about them, why stay with them? If I felt that my partner was being unfaithful, I wouldnt mess around trying to find proof... I would confront them, and then depending on the way the conversation went, my concerns would either have been entirely satisfied, or we would be splitting up.

Once trust has deteriorated to the extent that you feel the need to snoop in order to find proof or otherwise, the relationship can never be as strong or as close as it was, and its definitely time to move on, in my opinion.

[Rubyrose]

WS - Thats awful! But you are right. He was the one cheating so he was the one who should have been feeling bad. Not you.

LazyGun - Can I ask.. Would you object to someone hiring a private detective to find out if their partner was cheating on them? If the person is cheating then the likelyhood is they won't give an honest answer if you ask them.

Sense4all - I couldn't agree with you more. Openess is a big part of trust. If the openess gets taken away or wasn't there at all.. then thats when you should worry.

Maggie - I think you are completely right. If you suspect that someone is cheating with reason to think that then I think you have full right to know and clearly they aren't going to admit it when confronted. All is fair in Love and War!

[LazyGun]

If you are hiring a private detective to obtain information to aid in future divorce hearings, or to use when discussing fair division of resources with your partner, or in court cases to obtain your fair share of the joint income etc, then yes, use one by all means.

Once your trust in your partner has deteriorated to the extent that you feel the need to snoop, or hire a private detective though, the relationship is irrevocably damaged and over. At that point, its best just to move on :)

[Rubyrose]

But LazyGun, each situation isn't as black and white as that. My ex never gave me any reason to think he was cheating on me. I trusted him up until the day I found the text. He had broken up with me 4 days before and I believed him when he said its coz he didnt love me anymore. However.. some people can cause you to be suspicious and they are not cheating. My friend boyfriend is someone I'd be suspicious of if I was with him. He only sees her about 2-3 times a week and he is out with his mates all the time and he keeps things from her. But she accepts that thats the way he is because they have been together so long. I however can't see it as my relationship was based on something so different.

[Maggie-Mae]

Lazygun, I didnt stay with my partner after I found out he was cheating, but I did have to give serious thought to the situation as we had a child together, its not that black and white when children are involved. And as to what you said about not bothering to stay around to find proof - I think that I was owed an explanation. This is someone who had made a commitment to me by entering into a relationship, by living together, having a child together - I think the least I deserved was the truth. If you dont mind me asking, have you ever been cheated on Lazygun?

[Rubyrose]

Ok so say I was married to a guy and we had been together 10yrs.. (ok that wouldn't work coz I am only 21 but lets pretend) and he has been fine for 10yrs.. then all of a sudden he starts to act suspicious and hide his phone and go out alot more and take private calls. I confront him and ask him if he is having an affair. He says NO. Then.. the privacy on his part continues and he goes away on business for a few days and continues to act strange. Confronting him didn't work .. so what should I do? Walk out on him and sacrifice a marriage on a hunch that he MIGHT be cheating? Or do I take matters into my own hands and find out and make sure before I throw in the towel? If I hire someone or I snoop and find nothing.. then maybe its just a change in his behaviour that I will have to get used to!

[kazminx]

my husband read a text message of mine on christmas morning...all it said was 'looking forward to seeing you..this is my new numberxxx'. my hubby went berserk and he screamed at me for about an hour to tell him who this number was. in the end i gave up as i had 2 kids and 4 coming for xmas lunch. he made my xmas miserable. i was so hurt because i genuinely didnt know. my hubby has always worked away. i frequently find his phone with messages and i can honestly say, hand on heart..i would never ever open it. he is a grown man and i just wouldnt invade his privacy..no matter what. a few days later my sister said to me 'oh by the way, i sent a few people my new mobile number and forgot to add my name'...we nearly broke up over it...lesson learned i think from my husband who said he will never do this again....mmm we'll see.

[LazyGun]

Kids etc do complicate the situation yes.

Have I ever been cheated on? Once, in my first serious relationship... and I knew about it for a while before it all came to a head, and I will freely admit that I snooped and pried to find out what was happening. The rationale I had for snooping at the time was because I loved her so much, and we had many tearful conversations about how much we loved each other. We split up, however, and now when we reminisce (we remained good friends) I think we are both are of the view that if we had tried to stay together it would have been hell. Obviously something was missing from the relationship for her to cheat, and once I had become suspicious of her actions, I would always be trying to second guess even the most innocent of actions. As I have got older, I also think that I was probably snooping more as an act of denial, and secondly to obtain some sort of moral high ground over her.

I will admit that my responses do take a black and white view of things. Life is too short to settle for a crappy relationship though, and once trust has gone it becomes a crappy relationship.